Lost.

I find my self lost. Lost in the mind numbing day to day activities. Lost in the desire for a fuller bank account. Lost in the deep need for dark coffee of which I cannot have. Lost in the emotions that the sixth of every month brings… overwhelmed by the tragedy that took place seven months ago.

I like to get lost though… I'm actually quite good at it. I get lost in my wild, unruly thoughts, on my rides on my two beautiful horses, with my boyfriend and best friend who is still here. I get lost in the things I love. The fact that I feel like I am in the middle of a dark room with no glimmer of light today makes me feel lost… lost for a love I once shared with my best friend. It's good to be lost… when we lose ourselves we have no choice but to find ourselves again. What an adventure that is.

How lucky are we all that each and every day we wake up we have the option to decide who we are going to be that day. We can choose our emotions, our feelings, our behaviours. Even more then that, we decide how we are going to make others feel around us. That's a gift we all overlook. Lots of times it's a gift that we chose to not give out. Why wouldn't you smile at the person who opened the door for you? Or why wouldn't you let that person in on your drive home from work? Will one car in front of you make all the difference to whether you get home late or not? Doubt it. Yet, we get lost in the aggression and stress of the day. We take our own personal problems out on innocent people who have no control over the fact that your family is making you feel bad that day or that work didn't go as you had planned it to when you woke up that morning. We are in control.

We all have these beautiful bodies with warm blood pulsing through it like the beat of our favourite songs… but still… we forget. We forget that we all have an end date. No one on this entire planet knows when our time is up. Maybe my car will burst into flames on my way to Brodie's house tonight… Which is so possible because I drive a Kia. Or maybe my brothers team bus will crash this winter. Maybe the entire earth will come crashing down tonight at midnight. We don't really know the outcome of anything. Obviously the best thing to do in that situation is to ignore it and get lost in mundane activities and take our stress out on others instead of dealing with it.

I deal with it.

I knew the moment I woke up that today would be tough for me. So I spent a little extra time with my boys and a little less time at home where I knew I would over think. Then I started to write. I deal with my emotions in a very taxing way, but I would take that over ignoring them like I used to any day. I sit and I think. I don't control my thoughts or me feelings. I let them come and I accept them for what they are. It's not fun. I don't enjoy it. I know if I don't do it my mind will go back to a dark place though so I do it. I do what I have to in order to stay pure, to maintain a rich mind. I do it because I know what will happen if I don't. I get lost in myself and find myself every day. I give myself the greatest gift of all every morning, I allow myself to start new. I don't have to think the same things I did as the previous day or do the same things. I pick out my emotions for the day when I pick out my clothes.

Lost. The most beautiful, tragic word. To be lost in love, to be lost without love.

Lost love is a tragedy. To be lost and in love… that's the greatest feeling of all.

I lost Sydney. The world lost Sydney. She was one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. She was everything I have ever needed in a friend, in a "Soul Sista." I am trying to accept that what I have to learn from this will outweigh the pain. I know this is not true. But on a day like today I choose to believe my little lie to myself. I am protecting myself from the pain that today brings. I decided that today will be an amazing day even if she still isn't here. I am choosing to believe, just for the day, that Sydney will come back from her painfully long vacation because I need that false sense of hope today. I need a little nightlight off in the corner of my dark room.

Much Love,

Megan