When I woke up this morning I was expecting pain. Not just in my chest but my whole body. This week I have been a mess. I have been getting chest pains that I would compare to the start of a heart attack and I have started getting incredibly itchy to the point I have bruises on my legs. Apparently these are both stress related side affects. So, going to bed last night I was scared. I was sure I would wake up and have a real problem with my heart and have to go to the hospital, even with that thought I still slept in my regular hoodie and no pants attire. Obviously prepared for strangers to rush me away.
I find myself okay though. It's as if this year full of "firsts" is finally over. And I made it, we all did. We all somehow pulled together and made the best of Syd's birthday... Now, love everyone and everything day. I managed to not to cry my eyes out on Fonzy's first birthday.... July 6th, three months after her passing and the day Brodie came into my life. I am going to manage this last first, in a year filled with random sensitive moments, surrounded by people who knew her and love her the exact same amount that I do. We will change together today and Syd will somehow manage to make our scars beautiful. We will let her. We will remember the pain we all felt a year ago. We will remember the tears that were cried for months past this date. We will remember the passion that drove her. The animals that fulfilled her. The giggles that only stopped bubbling out of her when she need to use her resting bitch face to her advantage. We will be thankful for the positive changes this moment of time brought us... We will still forever wish to take that moment back.
Change is scary when it's sudden. But we must all relax into the wild waves and allow our souls to grow. You cannot fight a change like death. You cannot refuse to let the emotion swallow your whole body. You cannot fight the sadness you feel with anger. You can only cling onto loved ones for support and hope you have enough good memories to allow you to come up for air every now and then. You must change.
I have seen all of Syd's people change. I have seen the strength we all somehow grew take over and put our differences aside, help us push our egos down and just be people. We have all changed into better versions of ourselves, softer versions, and we managed to do this because of our shared tragedy. Maybe not gracefully but we all got there. We all were taught the lessons that death brings and we were given the gifts that surly come alone when you lose someone. Such negativity is not possible without some sort of positivity to balance it out. Tami had told me over and over again "death brings gifts." I rolled my eyes behind my computer and stubbornly refused to make an effort. But I have learned that death truly does bring gifts, it humbles you, it makes your edges jaded only to slowly sand them down to the softest they have ever been. It ruins everything you think about life but it shows you the importance of loving everyone one and being the most humble version of yourself. It rips your heart a apart so you can clean out all the junk and bring in the new... Forever missing a piece with wild, curly hair, but being able to see the beauty in the most simple of things.
My soul went through an unwanted spring cleaning last year but I am thankful that even though I... We... Lost so much good we also got rid of the bad. Every April 6th I vow to spring clean my soul. Get rid of whatever doesn't belong in order to make room for what does. I vow to always remember my best friend for the beauty, stubbornness and passion she brought into this world. I vow to be there for anyone who suffers on this day, on any day, because death taught me that we are all the same, we just suffer differently.
So today, on the day that marks my greatest loss, I ask all of my friends to clean their souls. Today, April 6th will forever be a great reminder of what is important, raw, meaningful and what is superficial and needs to be swept away.
Much love,
Megan
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