Lost In The Fog

Driving home tonight was a bit of an adventure. There was a heavy fog sitting low in the air, making it hard to see more then ten feet in front of my bumper. I was freaked out. Fog creeps me out. Tonight more then ever. I felt like my car was struggling trying to slice through the weight of the trillions of water droplets... Obviously that is an exaggeration, I was just trying to be dramatic. 

Starting at my ankles, a wave of goose bumps rolled up my body. I had an unsettling feeling that anything could jump out in front of my car and my reflexes (even if they are ninja like) wouldn't be able to stop in time. The fog curled and danced around my car with cat-like flexibility and my mind began to wander. And dudes, I did not like where it took me. Ever horror movie I had ever watched began unfolding right before my eyes, and I was turning onto our street soon so I was going to have to get out of my car. I drove slow, very slow. 

I'm going to skip the creepy thoughts because there is no point in torturing ya'll with that. You can thank me later. Or now. Whatevs. 

As soon as my foot hit the crunchy gravel I felt relaxed... Which was a nice surprise. 

My mind has been taking me to weird places recently. Maybe because of the loss of my beloved friend, maybe because I still don't have a career path, maybe because I can turn any situation into a stressful one? The reasons are endless, but the point is clear. My head is arguing with herself. And it's getting freaking annoying. As soon as I locked the front door behind me my brain kicked into over drive. Thoughts were spewing out too quickly for me to control or direct. This happens more then I am proud of, but I'm still not used to it. Amongst the river of emotion that was quickly filling my body I had an appifany (I think it's spelt like that?) or maybe I used the wrong word... Idk. Whatever, something insightful (?) popped into my head. The fog tonight represented my mind recently. I have been trying to block out all the bad stuff, trying to stop the hurt and it just isn't working. I was in a bad place before I lost Syd and, to say the least, that place hasn't gotten any better. I'm unhappy where my life is, where I think my future is going, so I am blocking everything "bad" out. My mind is closed off to the world and all I am doing is worrying about the bad stuff that might (and probably will) pop into it. Not once when I was driving home did I think something good was lerking amongst the fog. I didn't picture a kitty playing with a piece of grass caught in the wind, or a mouse scurrying home to his mouse wife and family. I saw demons and dead things. Which is exactly what I have been seeing in my dreams at night. My brain is messed up. Part of me wants to get better, be more positive, more open to what life has to offer. Then the creepy part of my mind wants me to suffer, to never be happy again and I can't figure out why. Why do I feel I need to punish myself? What have I done that I feel some level of subconscious guilt? Why is my mind in a dark fog? Hopefully time can come up with the answers to my questions... I am ready for a change in a good direction any day now. I just need some help creating it. 

Much Love,

  

Megan

Body Image

I was flipping though the quotes section on Pinterest today and came across one that Marilyn Monroe is quite famous for:

"To all the girls who think you're fat because you're not a size zero, you're the beautiful one it's society that's ugly."

This really got me thinking. You see society is us… Yeah, super insightful I know. But please, hear me out. No one strives to be wrong, no one wants to be told that they're wrong, and even though we won't admit it, there are some people that we all wish would ALWAYS just, well, be wrong. This way of thinking, this selfish, egotistic and down right backwards way of thinking is going to ruin us all. Why do we all have this burning need to be the best at everything. Is it not okay to just be good at some things? I have a horrible issue that if I am not perfect at something I won't do it. It's a crappy attitude to have, it's no way to live. Why is someone's confidence in themselves associated with being selfish? Now that we have walked around the bush a few times here's my point: We are society, society is ugly, therefore we are ugly.

*GASPS*

What did I just say?!?! Did I just call us all ugly?! YES. I. DID.

Let that sink in. You are ugly.

Okay, now that I just insulted everyone let me defend my opinion. We need to realize that society can't change without us as individuals changing. Which is kind of a hard thing to when being a true individual is really hard to do these day. Humans are not wired to stand out, we have a herd mentality, we want to fit in and be a part of a group. So standing up against something is an incredibly hard thing to do, I can appreciate that at this moment in my life more then ever. Standing up for yourself and what you believe in is one of the most difficult things to do. Right now I believe that it is truly horrible that young girls, women, young guys, and men all have to deal with a body image issue. Guys need to be shredded in order to be accepted ad girls need to have giant boobs (which are mostly made out of fat people) then have a less then 5% body fat. Which makes total sense………… Let's just magically move all of our body fat to our fun bags then have a butt and abs made out of rock hard muscles. Yup i'll get right on that.

"Oh I don't think that."
"I don't judge anyone."
"That has never crossed my mind before, I'm so accepting of everyone I meet."

Yeah I call bull patties on all your thoughts you big fat liar pants. People judge, I judge, we all judge. Stop acting like we aren't all a part of the problem because we are. Every single on of us need to stop being so darn judgmental and start being more accepting. Truly accepting.

The beautiful quote above is true, but if I could change it for two seconds don't hate me.

"To all the girls who don't think you're beautiful because you're not a size 10, you're beautiful it's society that's ugly."

See what I did there? By saying "you're beautiful even if you're not a zero" you're still putting yourself or others down slightly. You're saying that size zero is the goal but if you aren't there it's alright, you're still an alight person. Maybe we could all try to say "we're all beautiful" and just ignore the size completely? Wouldn't it be crazy what the world would look like even by making that small change? It's easy to change when everyone else is doing it too. Maybe we could all start even smaller and just start by saying "I am beautiful."

We are all society. It won't change until we do. So lets all stop being whiny babies and stop complaining about how wrong 'society' is and START by one small thing, telling ourselves we are beautiful.

Much Love,

Megan (Mehguhn)

Bryn

So I have this cat... And he's crazy. Legit crazy. He has this creepy tail that is the first warning sign he is in a mood, kinda like a rattle snake giving you a chance to get away. Nothing nice has a tail like that. So, when you see just the tip of his long, dramatic tail swinging from left to right, you run. You run away so fast and you don't look back or he will get you and I'm telling you right now, I will not be the one to save you. 

Bryn fits right into our crazy household though, a "normal" cat would of run away by now. Between my family members and our three dogs we need a cat who can stand up for himself. We need a cat that will run the house, which is exactly what Bryn does. He owns the house and well, he knows it. Bryn will slink past our dogs knowing the self restraint it takes them to not attack. He struts like an anorexic model with an enlarged ego problem down a cat walk... Only he's mildly overweight. My grandpa will say "you hungry 'brim'?!" then feeds him. This happens a few times a day. If you factor in the fact that Bryn is a very talented (kinda neurotic) hunter, he has a weight issue. 

At night he will hide in the shadows or behind our kitchen chairs and quickly grab you leg with his razor sharp claws and dig his pointed teeth into your calf. He'll be back in his hiding spot before your brain even registers what happened. Evil. One night I woke up around 3 in the morning and he was sitting right beside my head staring at me and watching me sleep. Evil. The millisecond you open the fridge door he is rubbing his soft coat against your ankles; if you dare close it whiteout giving him a treat he'll scratch you and run away. Evil. 

The best thing about having a cat that controls your life is watching people try to "tame" him. Everyone has heard stories about his demon ways yet everyone thinks they are a cat whisperer. Bryn can sniff out these people and he'll attack them sooner so he can be left alone quicker. He can also smell fear. One of G's friends is mortified of him. I have witnessed Bryn follow this poor guy around and scratch him out of no where. He will smell your fear, expose your weakness, and attack. 

Our household would be so borning without him though. He gives us daily entertainment and teaches us to appreciate the little things; like when he chooses to snuggle up to you and take a nap. He has his sweet moments. They are rare and completely on his terms, but when they happen you appreciate every second. 

Much love,

Megan (mehguhn) and her crazy Bryn

Weird Obsessions

Weird obsessions. We all have those things that seem completely normal to ourselves because they are a part of our daily routine. To others, they may not seem so normal. I'm going to share my interesting daily habits with all of you. I hope I don't scare all of you away because my views are pitiful at best. 

1) I am completely, 152% obsessed with my animals. I have a mini (okay, major) crush on them all. My horse gets too many treats for his own good, my dogs get to sneak onto my bed, and my cat gets table scraps to try and buy his love. They all get unlimited snuggles and told "Oh you're just so cute I could die and a squish your face at the same time!!" I love them. They make me smile... Except when Roscoe tries to break the "no tongue" rule. 

2) I have to wear socks all the time. ALL THE TIME. My only exception is when I am wearing a cute pair of flats, I'm not a socks and sandles kind of gal. I do however have a clean pair in my car, purse and locker at the barn. Wouldn't want to end up barefoot at a friends house and have to worry about my feet turning the shade of blue that's in the back of your school pictures. My feet get cold, I've accepted it and you should too. 

3) Any food can have peanut butter or hot sauce on it. I have yet to find something that doesn't fit this rule and I refuse to believe that there is an exception. When life sucks, eat. 

4) I have OCD but only about very particular things. My room and car can be a disaster zone and I won't even bat an eye, but if the dishwasher isn't loaded properly I have to put my sergical gloves on and rearrange everything to my liking. Same goes with my horse, he gets brushed in the exact same routine every day to maximize his shininess... It probably doesn't make a difference but don't no one go breaking my little heart now.

5) Lastly, my food on my plate can't touch. Everything is perfectly spaced and I eat one thing at a time in a clockwise fashion. Ironically, stirfry's are one of my favorite go to supper meals. 

"We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone who's weirdness is compatible with ours we join up with them and fall into mutual weirdness and call it love." Dr. Suess 

Much love,

Megan (Mehguhn)

Losing Loved Ones

I quickly mentioned in my first post that this isn't my first blog. However, this is my first blog that I am going to let my friends and family read so the things I talk about will be mostly current events in my life. One of my good friends recently did a beautiful blog post about the loss of our beloved friend. My second post will also be about the beautiful Sydney Ellis.

I want to share a quick text conversation we had on the friday before her terrible accident. It perfectly sums up our relationship so I don't have to try to explain it. Side note: I'm going to copy it down exactly so expect lots of exclamation marks and gross texting grammar.

Megan: "I know! Like even though we don't see each other much we're like exactly the same and awesome!!!"

Syd: "I know!!!! And we're still close like always!!! It's the best!!! You're the only one I'm sure I'll be friends with still when I'm old and ugly <3 you'll still love me right?!?!"

M: "Dude, obviously!!! We can run ppl over with our wheelchairs. It will be a blast :* <3"

S: "And hit them with our canes! And throw cookies at them!!! Jk bad idea. We wanna eat those. We're going to be the sickest grandma's around!"

M: "We're just the sickest people around, period. But yes, we need those cookies. Let's hope we can still eat a bunch and stay thin!!!"

S: "Seriously tho. We're so awesome that even I'm jealous of how awesome we are. I've deffs been taking advantage of my high metabolism while I can. I just love everything with sugar. And cheese."

… continue talking about food we love for a few hours…

Sydney was more then a best friend to me, she was a sister. She was one of the only people that I felt truly connected with… the only person who I felt I somehow shared the same soul with. Our value system perfectly aligned, our horsemanship was almost identical, our love for food was unmatched by anyone else, and our paths in life were on the same trail.

One day we were talking on the phone and both trying to hide the fact we were eating. When I finally asked what she was eating she said a pickle. I squealed with excitement as I too was eating a  pickle. On that same phone call I stubbed my baby toe on my right foot. As I was cursing the heavens for striking down so much agony onto me, Syd subbed her baby toe on her right foot. Little things like this happened between us all the time, along with more serious life events.

Syd and I both aren't good at sharing our feelings. In fact, we're both really good and not telling anyone anything… until we met that is. Since we seemed to always have such similar life events happening it was so easy to share our secret thoughts with each other, so easy to open up knowing that the other person would never judge you, so easy to open up when the other person was most likely having the same struggle. That is the best thing about being friends with someone just like you, it's easy. It was almost as if we could read each others minds some days. A whole conversation could be shared with just one look.

Our trip to Spain and Italy made us truly realize that one of us could not live without the other. We had this specific talk on the rocks in Italy over a pesto pizza. We vowed that no matter where life brought us, no matter how far away we lived, we would always remain best friends (or Soul Sista's as we liked to call it.) In all the heartfelt talks I had with Sydney we never talked about what we would do if we were separated. We always talked about how it would never happen, and since we both truly believed it, I don't know how I can possibly go through life without her. When Elaine passed, she was right there with me. When I was diagnosed with depression, OCD and schizophrenic symptoms she was right there with me. Through my worst times, my best times and my fat kid needing a cheese cake times, she was right there with me. Now, in the lowest point in my my life, she isn't here to help me though.

Sydney passed on so many lessons to me. Her wonderful mother, Tami, taught Syd how to truly accept and love other cultures, other people and see the beauty in the smallest of things. Syd passed these lessons onto me. Just being around Tami and Syd a person could learn and grow so much…and maybe be a little fearful when they had a difference of opinion. Tami is an inspiration to many people, she has touched so many lives, including mine. She taught me that even when you translate spanish to english wrong and end up on a two hour hike (in flip flops and a bikini) instead of a twenty minute walk, you can still enjoy the new adventure. Tami continues to teach me that true strength and true beauty come from within. That the most beautiful things in life don't cost money, but you do have to work for them. And more then anything else Tami teaches me that life goes on. It may suck. It may suck so much that you want to hide or run away or take your own life, but it goes on.

The worst part about losing your 'Soul Sista' is the feeling of having to face life alone. The cut out of Syd in my heart can never be replaced but it will slowly start to heal. My brain will eventually stop playing tricks on me and I will truly accept the loss of my friend. My body will never pull her into a giant bear hug, but it will always remember that feeling. My tears will never truly stop falling but they will pour down less frequently. Life will go on.

I want to close with a message my aunt sent me. Words that will help us all heal.


"Megan - you have been in my thoughts all day. My heart weeps for you and the pain you are experiencing. It is crazy how things can change in the blink of an eye. I know this change. I am sorry you have had to experience this as well. I will not spew out senseless words, for that is not what your heart aches for. I will share this with you though. Do not be afraid to cry - the emotion needs to come out. If it doesn't, you will explode later. Do not be afraid to smile or laugh. Think of your friend and remember the good times. That is why you enjoyed being with each other. Do not be afraid to be mad. It is not fair. You have every reason to be angry. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Your family and friends are just waiting for you to ask. Do not be afraid to pray. Pray for your friend, pray her family and pray for yourself. You all need the strength. I pray that you find peace. I pray that you find closure. I pray that you remember the love that your friendship shared. Bottom line - it sucks. It sucks today, it will suck tomorrow. It sucks for a long time. It will not suck forever. Your friendship and memories of each other will. Hold tight to the good thoughts, work through the hard ones, try to let go of the bad. I am so sorry you have to go through this. You are not alone. Blessings sweet girl." -Jody Stockwood

Much Love,

Megan