Lost In The Fog

Driving home tonight was a bit of an adventure. There was a heavy fog sitting low in the air, making it hard to see more then ten feet in front of my bumper. I was freaked out. Fog creeps me out. Tonight more then ever. I felt like my car was struggling trying to slice through the weight of the trillions of water droplets... Obviously that is an exaggeration, I was just trying to be dramatic. 

Starting at my ankles, a wave of goose bumps rolled up my body. I had an unsettling feeling that anything could jump out in front of my car and my reflexes (even if they are ninja like) wouldn't be able to stop in time. The fog curled and danced around my car with cat-like flexibility and my mind began to wander. And dudes, I did not like where it took me. Ever horror movie I had ever watched began unfolding right before my eyes, and I was turning onto our street soon so I was going to have to get out of my car. I drove slow, very slow. 

I'm going to skip the creepy thoughts because there is no point in torturing ya'll with that. You can thank me later. Or now. Whatevs. 

As soon as my foot hit the crunchy gravel I felt relaxed... Which was a nice surprise. 

My mind has been taking me to weird places recently. Maybe because of the loss of my beloved friend, maybe because I still don't have a career path, maybe because I can turn any situation into a stressful one? The reasons are endless, but the point is clear. My head is arguing with herself. And it's getting freaking annoying. As soon as I locked the front door behind me my brain kicked into over drive. Thoughts were spewing out too quickly for me to control or direct. This happens more then I am proud of, but I'm still not used to it. Amongst the river of emotion that was quickly filling my body I had an appifany (I think it's spelt like that?) or maybe I used the wrong word... Idk. Whatever, something insightful (?) popped into my head. The fog tonight represented my mind recently. I have been trying to block out all the bad stuff, trying to stop the hurt and it just isn't working. I was in a bad place before I lost Syd and, to say the least, that place hasn't gotten any better. I'm unhappy where my life is, where I think my future is going, so I am blocking everything "bad" out. My mind is closed off to the world and all I am doing is worrying about the bad stuff that might (and probably will) pop into it. Not once when I was driving home did I think something good was lerking amongst the fog. I didn't picture a kitty playing with a piece of grass caught in the wind, or a mouse scurrying home to his mouse wife and family. I saw demons and dead things. Which is exactly what I have been seeing in my dreams at night. My brain is messed up. Part of me wants to get better, be more positive, more open to what life has to offer. Then the creepy part of my mind wants me to suffer, to never be happy again and I can't figure out why. Why do I feel I need to punish myself? What have I done that I feel some level of subconscious guilt? Why is my mind in a dark fog? Hopefully time can come up with the answers to my questions... I am ready for a change in a good direction any day now. I just need some help creating it. 

Much Love,

  

Megan