My family was watching an episode of Suits when the call came. I will never forget how quickly the room went silent when everyone heard the sadness in my moms voice. Our eyes darted around, all guessing what had happened. Was one of my grandparts hurt? Was a relative in th hospital? Syd never crossed my mind at this point. When my mom turned the corner she was only looking at me. Her eyes were filled with tears and I looked back in confusion. My whole body froze as I could tell I was going to be hit with some terrible news. I anticipated emence sadness. She stood against the wall and said she was on the phone with a police officer from Medicine Hat. Then she started to cry. I instantly assumed something had happened to Tami. She was in the hospital a few months before so my brain jumped to that conclusion. I started to panick, thinking I had to get to Med Hat to see Syd as soon as I could, to be there for her. Then my mom said one word that will haunt me forever.
"Sydney..."
She trailed off and her voice cracked and I knew. This all happened in a matter of seconds but time had stopped for me. I sat there not moving. Not feeling. Mom explained what had happened and I said "No" over and over again as tears ran out of my eyes. The world to everyone else was still spinning but mine had just come to an abrupt stop.
We all sat there crying for about half an hour. Mom then started to make calls to other families who knew Syd, I sat there numb. Her face was so clear in my head, we had just FaceTime a few nights before. She couldn't be gone, she's too young, too beautiful. Feeling torn between never wanting to move again or to start running and never stop, I decided to get up and let the dogs outside. I didn't make it. I collapsed on the floor in a puddle of tears then felt my baby brothers arms around me. I was broken.
As I sat on the cold tile in my brothers arms I thought about Syd's little brother. How much she loved him, how much he looked up to her. It hit me at this point how selfish I was being. My pain was breaking me. But the pain her family must of been feeling can't be put into words. Syd was such a huge part in all their lives, and they all made up hers. So many people were heartbroken.
Syd's friends from Saskatoon all gathered at my place that night. We cried and cried. We talked about life and death and how beautiful Sydney was. However, it still didn't seem real. To this day it still doesn't. I can't be alone without crying at least a little.
I try to take life one day at a time now. Being outside brings me peace so I spend my days with my dogs and horses. I see beauty... See Syd... In simple things that I didn't appreciate before. Her physical body is no longer walking with us on this earth but I feel her spirit all around me.
Her baby, Fonzy, arrived on my property today. I'm excited that I have an oppertunity to take care of him for her. I'm also a bit nervous for this journey to start, for what emotions I am going to have to face and what obstacles we will have to over come. Fonzy will forever be Sydney's horse, I am just going to take care of him for a while.
The wounds are still fresh. They will be for a while. I miss her laugh and sarcastic remarks. Her determination and her honestly. I miss planning my future with her and sharing my wildest dreams with her. I miss FaceTimeing her at random hours of the day, even when she was at work or out with friends. Sydney represents everything that is beautiful in this world. Many are lost without her. I hope that everyone who was touched by her beauty can find the strength to heal and find peace.
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