New Year, Same Old Me

Where do I even begin...

2014 was a tough year. And unbelievably tough year. My entire life got flipped upside down, shaken out, and stomped on. 

I was forced to deal with a lot if issues that had been simmering for some time and deal with new, unexpected circumstances that I never thought I would have to face. I can hardly believe I am here to write this. Thinking back to almost nine months ago I shiver... Thinking back to eight months ago I get scared. I think about how I was so close to taking my own life because another beautiful soul was ripped off of this earth the same time her tires left the pavement. I think back on the days spent in a numb haze, the nights in puddles of tears and I can't even believe I was ever in such a place. It seems like a different person then I am now... It is a different person then I am now. 

Despite those tantalizing thoughts I had racing through my brain I managed to (somehow) decide to live. Really live. I started running, writing and going on long walks with good looking guy. Life was somehow finding a way to get back on track. Thinking back, I don't know exactly how I managed to do it, I can't believe I was so strong honesty. The place I was spending all of my time was dark, gloomy and had a glue-like substance that managed to keep me stuck in that horrible place

I literally ran out of it. Running saved my mind. I hate the fact I can't run right now, it kills me every single day. It makes me feel like the good part of my brain is slipping away at the same speed the bad part is sneaking in. It makes me feel like I'm losing a part of myself I fought so hard to find this summer. 

I wrote my way out of it. I started this blog and it has changed my life. It has started new friendships, strengthened old ones and opened up doors for people to share stories that I feel so honoured to have heard. Bleeding all over this page has allowed me to not only start to heal over the loss of my best friend but also teach me lessons that I didn't even know I needed to learn. I write all of these posts without any direction, without any editing (in fact, I write them, post them, then read them a few hours later... That's why there are so many grammar errors.) and when I finally get around to reading them I can hardly believe the stuff I have shared. I am typically a very closed off person but writing behind my computer or phone allows me to open up while still feeling safe. So, not only do I surprise myself with all of the personal obstacles I put on here, but also the judiciousness that somehow comes out of my finger tips.  

2014 is a year that I will never forget. It's a year that broke me into a million different pieces that I had the fight to stick back together again. You can still see the cracks and glue marks that are keeping my in place but I am alive and right where I want to be. I don't need 2015 to be bigger and better then any year, I just need to remember everything I have worked so hard to learn and accomplish in 2014 and I know I will figure it out. If I can make it though this past year, I will make it through any. We all will. 

So, from the bottom of my heart......

Much (much, much, much) Love,

Megan

 

LOVE LIFE AND EVERYONE DAY

On days like today we remember. We remember her laugh, the way her hair smelt, the sound her voice made when she said "Fonzy!!" 

We just remember things more vividly. 

This scares me. It makes me wonder why I ever forgot about the time we cut through the crowds in Chinook Mall with our 'bitch face' on, arms linked, so people would move. Or when I read through our texts last night I realized I forgot about all of her drunk texts. I forgot just how much she said we were twins.

I doubt our friendship some days. I wonder if I meant as much to her as she means to me. I sit there and confuse my thoughts with memories... I find it hard to decipher the truth. I worry that my perception of our friendship was different then hers. I am grieving the loss of a sister. To me she was exactly that. I just hope her feelings reciprocated mine. 

I'll never know for sure though. I'm never going to know what she told other people about me or what she thought of me. I want to ask her. I want her to validate our friendship because some days I forget. Today, I forget. 

But, today is "Love Life and Everyone" day so I must not dwell on these made up idea's in my head. I must be thankful for the people I love that are still here, because, they are the ones that have helped me though my story. 

Do you know who I am thankful for? Her mother, Tami. 

Tami has shown me how to properly grieve, how to remain strong even through the worst of times, how to accept the beauty in every soul, and how to make peace with this tragity.

People say Syd had an old soul with eyes full of wisdom. People say the same to me. I say, she got that old soul and beautiful eyes from her mother. Being around Tami makes me feel like I am with Syd. Their mannerisms, their thin frames, their humor... It's all the same. I can say Tami is one of my sisters, I see her soul just like I see Syd's.

I see strength in Tami and I know that is were Syd got it. People like Sydney don't just happen. She was born with an amazing set of characteristics, but her mother truly shaped her into my best friend.

I could go on and on about all the amazing things Tami had accomplished, all that she has overcome but we all know this is her Everest. Tami is tackling this uphill battle of loss with grace, poise, strength, determination... And a little wine. Not only is Tami being a wonderful exaple for people all over the world she is being a wonderful example to Edian. Showing her son that life can be bitter and beautiful all at the same time. 

I admire Tami. I want to grow into a person with her same outlook on life, her same values, her same respect for every individual. 

So, on days like today... On "LOVE LIFE AND EVERYONE" day, I think of Tami. I think of the gifts, lessons and adventures she has given me and I feel thankful. I feel loved. I feel that there is light within this hardship and I know the light is there because of Tam. 

She is somehow managing to heal and teach amazing lessons to anyone willing to listen.

So Tami, I thank you for giving the world a girl as amazing as Sydney, and for also teaching us all how to live without her. 

Much Love,

Megan

Warriors.

We are all warriors. We all have battle scars, eyes that give away our every thought, mannerisms that are learned from those we spend our time with. We all live and experience life. Those experiences are all different and we take different learnings away from them but the idea is basically the same.

We all experience death. We all grieve the loss of loved ones, we all feel the sadness and darkness that follows the passing and one day we will all face death ourselves. 

We experience life. We experience death. 

Christmas this year is different. Typically, Christmas is a time spent with those you are closest with. You laugh, joke, bring gifts... The mood is light. This year however, I can't help but feel sad. I miss her. I miss her more and more each day. Last year at this time we were skyping with Doug's (now Tami's) puppy, Annie. This year I only see her in my dreams or driving past a field my eyes play tricks on me and I see her galloping on top of a giant blank horse.

Death isn't a fun thing to face, but we all have to. The only way I have been able to survive this tragity is through the support of my close friends, the wisdom Tami shares, and the big goofy horse named Fonzy nickering at me when I walk up. I'm not even sure I am surviving. It seems this month has been nocking me to my knees more then in the past. I have amazing people in my life to give me a hand up when I need it. 

People who come out with me to the barn on a cold Christmas Day to make sure the horses are alive and have bellies full of treats. I have people who send me Facebook messages quickly saying "Love ya Meg" at times when I seem to need it most. I have a person who hugs me goodbye before he leaves for a big hockey tournament, who even he didn't know how much I needed that today. 

We all have our people.

We all lose our people. 

Losing our people feels like we are losing parts of ourselves. I have never lost a limb but I feel as though it is comparable. All of a sudden you find yourself without something, or someone, who has become part of your life. You use it, them, on a daily basis. When it/they are gone we must learn to walk again. Find our equilibrium again. We must find a was to survive, to fight on.

People don't have "baggage." We have scars. And they are beautifully unique. They seperate us from everyone else experiencing life. They give us character, they remind us of our mistakes or our loved ones who are no longer here.  Our scars should be warn with pride, proof that we have fought in battle and healed. 

Life isn't always fun. Sometimes it pushes us to corners we never thought we would ever be in, and we must carry on. We don't choose our story, we just fill in the blanks. 

I still cry almost ever day over the loss of my best friend. I want to wake up from one of my bad nightmares and call her. Run up to her and hug her so big her wild brown hair gets in my face. I can't though. Instead, I wear this scar with pride. Knowing that even on the tough days ahead, I am still a warrior. We all are. 

Much Love,

Megan

Beautiful Strangers

I sit in a crowed Tim Hortons, sharing a table with two Arabic men who look to be in their mid seventies. They speak in a heavy Arab tongue and their english is poor at best. When I asked to share a table with them they both looked confused so I'm not even sure if they said yes. But still, they smiled back at me and offered me a napkin when my bagel made my hands dirty. These men have seen death I thought. Their leathery, wrinkled face tells a story that only they know.

They could be brothers. They share the same smiling eyes… smiling eyes that have a pain behind them. It's easy to see that these men are wise, that they have a story to tell me if only we shared the same language. It's a pity that these strangers and I will never have more then a quick hello and goodbye when I find myself so intrigued by them. Maybe the 6th of every month makes me a little more curious about how others live. I want to know their experience with death and how they cope, how they live on, and how they remember. It's beautiful that the three of us can sit together without saying a word and  still be so peaceful. 

The one with the wrinkles around his face that would form a smile even if he was mad pointed at my computer, smiling, while the one with more pain behind his eyes shook his head in embarrassment. I said I was writing. They both smiled and nodded their heads but I could tell they had no idea what the words I spoke meant. Amazing. I find myself gifted with this opportunity. No, this specific moment in time will not alter my life in a drastic way. But, I can't help being amazed by the fact that all the people in this world all have a story filled with love, hate and death. Yet throughout the adventure we can be so kind to complete strangers. It makes me wonder why families and friends ever fight. Why would I ever want to push someone away who knows part of my story. Why would I ever want to distance myself from a human who has their own story. Because I don't understand it? That's the only reason I can think of. 

How rude are we all for that. Getting so lost in our own lives and ignorantly ignoring the fact that we are all fighting in the same battle. We are trying to postpone our own death, heal from others passing, find love, appreciate the love we do have or planning for a future that isn't guaranteed.

I think about the plans Sydney and I had for this year. She was planning on living in Saskatoon with her horse while her mom and brother went travelling. We were going to go to Australia, Fiji and New Zealand together in January and enjoy the ocean and sandy beaches. Now I find myself taking care of her beautiful horse and longing to hear her voice again. Nothing is certain. No plan is guaranteed. 

The men who shared their table with me have experienced the loss of a plan due to the loss of a person. So has the mother struggling to control her three daughters, all with different animal toques on. Or the man with sad eyes and grey hair eating his soup all alone. We all have in one way or another. Except those crazy girls who are now fighting because one of them wants the pink hat. Children are so innocent. They have yet to be scathed by the tragedy life can bring. Maybe that's why I have been finding myself longing for a family of my own. Being able to teach someone who is so impressionable all of my experiences with life and death. Giving them their own experiences to create their own understanding of it all. Laughing when the colour of a hat is the end of their world because if that is their biggest worry, their mother is doing a wonderful job of allowing them to be kids. 

We all have a story. I often find myself lost in mine. Wondering how I got here or where I am going. I find myself lucky to have amazing people surrounding me and devastated missing those who are no longer here. I must be venerable though, I must be real. It is impossible for me to be anything different now. It would be easier to light a rock on fire with my bare hands then to change the way I am now. Which I am okay with. My life is not where I planned it to be but I am here, I am working hard, I am being authentic and I wearing my scars with pride because I have worked to over come my fears, my self doubts and my saddens. We all have. 

I didn't have any intention or direction with this post, I never do, I just let my fingers run away on me. I want to leave everyone with one last thought…

Be kind. Be authentic. Be venerable. Allow yourself to get hurt and feel pain. Allow yourself to feel every emotion life brings you way because you never know what your last emotion will be or what the last thought inside your head will be. Experience it all. Share it all. Listen to others stories because you will never learn more by listening to the sound your own voice. Share a table with random people because even if you don't share a conversation, you might find yourself thinking about something you never have before… and that is how you grow.

Much Love,

Megan