They could be brothers. They share the same smiling eyes… smiling eyes that have a pain behind them. It's easy to see that these men are wise, that they have a story to tell me if only we shared the same language. It's a pity that these strangers and I will never have more then a quick hello and goodbye when I find myself so intrigued by them. Maybe the 6th of every month makes me a little more curious about how others live. I want to know their experience with death and how they cope, how they live on, and how they remember. It's beautiful that the three of us can sit together without saying a word and still be so peaceful.
The one with the wrinkles around his face that would form a smile even if he was mad pointed at my computer, smiling, while the one with more pain behind his eyes shook his head in embarrassment. I said I was writing. They both smiled and nodded their heads but I could tell they had no idea what the words I spoke meant. Amazing. I find myself gifted with this opportunity. No, this specific moment in time will not alter my life in a drastic way. But, I can't help being amazed by the fact that all the people in this world all have a story filled with love, hate and death. Yet throughout the adventure we can be so kind to complete strangers. It makes me wonder why families and friends ever fight. Why would I ever want to push someone away who knows part of my story. Why would I ever want to distance myself from a human who has their own story. Because I don't understand it? That's the only reason I can think of.
How rude are we all for that. Getting so lost in our own lives and ignorantly ignoring the fact that we are all fighting in the same battle. We are trying to postpone our own death, heal from others passing, find love, appreciate the love we do have or planning for a future that isn't guaranteed.
I think about the plans Sydney and I had for this year. She was planning on living in Saskatoon with her horse while her mom and brother went travelling. We were going to go to Australia, Fiji and New Zealand together in January and enjoy the ocean and sandy beaches. Now I find myself taking care of her beautiful horse and longing to hear her voice again. Nothing is certain. No plan is guaranteed.
The men who shared their table with me have experienced the loss of a plan due to the loss of a person. So has the mother struggling to control her three daughters, all with different animal toques on. Or the man with sad eyes and grey hair eating his soup all alone. We all have in one way or another. Except those crazy girls who are now fighting because one of them wants the pink hat. Children are so innocent. They have yet to be scathed by the tragedy life can bring. Maybe that's why I have been finding myself longing for a family of my own. Being able to teach someone who is so impressionable all of my experiences with life and death. Giving them their own experiences to create their own understanding of it all. Laughing when the colour of a hat is the end of their world because if that is their biggest worry, their mother is doing a wonderful job of allowing them to be kids.
We all have a story. I often find myself lost in mine. Wondering how I got here or where I am going. I find myself lucky to have amazing people surrounding me and devastated missing those who are no longer here. I must be venerable though, I must be real. It is impossible for me to be anything different now. It would be easier to light a rock on fire with my bare hands then to change the way I am now. Which I am okay with. My life is not where I planned it to be but I am here, I am working hard, I am being authentic and I wearing my scars with pride because I have worked to over come my fears, my self doubts and my saddens. We all have.
I didn't have any intention or direction with this post, I never do, I just let my fingers run away on me. I want to leave everyone with one last thought…
Be kind. Be authentic. Be venerable. Allow yourself to get hurt and feel pain. Allow yourself to feel every emotion life brings you way because you never know what your last emotion will be or what the last thought inside your head will be. Experience it all. Share it all. Listen to others stories because you will never learn more by listening to the sound your own voice. Share a table with random people because even if you don't share a conversation, you might find yourself thinking about something you never have before… and that is how you grow.
Much Love,
Megan
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