A letter to my mother.

You are greatly underappreciated. Horribly undervalued. Overwhelmingly overlooked. I forget that you are not just my mother but I must also share you with Baby G and Kole. I forget that dad can be the neediest out of all of us (sorry Dad.) I forget that you have your own life to live as well.

I get moody when it seems you are always going out of your way to watch G play and the times you now venture into the cold, stinky, barn with me have become fewer and fewer over the course of the past year. I guess part of me feels like I am slowly losing everyone in our family. Garrett will be living away from home soon, Kole will only be with us for a few more short months, you and dad will be starting a new chapter out in BC around the same time Brodie and I can afford our own home and all of this scares me. ​

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Just recently I have starting truly getting to know you and dad. Even more recent then that, I have come to realize that with you, dad and G heading west, I will be here all alone. There will come a day when your visits to the barn are maybe once a year… even worse, I dread the days when I will only get to see you once a year. I am excited for the future but still feeling extremely overwhelmed at the idea of having to charge into this new adventure without you by my side. Without you as my safety blanket who will give me those random hugs that result in me stiffening up, who will annoy the crap out of me when I am in a pissy mood from work or a bad ride, who well yell at G “GET YOUR SISTER A DRINK” and who will be there when my life gets all messy again?

There comes a time in every mother/daughter relationship where one loses the other. Whether that be by distance or death, I dread the day that happens to us.

Losing my family is something I never thought would bother me much. Up until Sydney passed away I was an emotionless body set on cruise control. Now the thought of Garrett not being across the hall from me makes me sick. I joke about going with him to BC but in all honesty, I would move away with him in a heartbeat. I don’t know how you and dad managed to not only make the most perfect daughter in the world but also giving her the best little brother anyone could ask for is the best gift you have ever given me… and I have two perfect horses G is competing with so that says a lot.

I guess I am writing this publically because you deserve to have everyone see just how wonderful of a mother and person you are. Thank you for teaching me to not be so independent, how to stand up for myself in a dignified manner, and most importantly thank you from the bottom of my heart for keeping this family together. You truly are the glue through the difficult times we have all faced. I could never thank you enough for that.

Much Love,

Megan

 

 

 

New Year, Same Old Me

Where do I even begin...

2014 was a tough year. And unbelievably tough year. My entire life got flipped upside down, shaken out, and stomped on. 

I was forced to deal with a lot if issues that had been simmering for some time and deal with new, unexpected circumstances that I never thought I would have to face. I can hardly believe I am here to write this. Thinking back to almost nine months ago I shiver... Thinking back to eight months ago I get scared. I think about how I was so close to taking my own life because another beautiful soul was ripped off of this earth the same time her tires left the pavement. I think back on the days spent in a numb haze, the nights in puddles of tears and I can't even believe I was ever in such a place. It seems like a different person then I am now... It is a different person then I am now. 

Despite those tantalizing thoughts I had racing through my brain I managed to (somehow) decide to live. Really live. I started running, writing and going on long walks with good looking guy. Life was somehow finding a way to get back on track. Thinking back, I don't know exactly how I managed to do it, I can't believe I was so strong honesty. The place I was spending all of my time was dark, gloomy and had a glue-like substance that managed to keep me stuck in that horrible place

I literally ran out of it. Running saved my mind. I hate the fact I can't run right now, it kills me every single day. It makes me feel like the good part of my brain is slipping away at the same speed the bad part is sneaking in. It makes me feel like I'm losing a part of myself I fought so hard to find this summer. 

I wrote my way out of it. I started this blog and it has changed my life. It has started new friendships, strengthened old ones and opened up doors for people to share stories that I feel so honoured to have heard. Bleeding all over this page has allowed me to not only start to heal over the loss of my best friend but also teach me lessons that I didn't even know I needed to learn. I write all of these posts without any direction, without any editing (in fact, I write them, post them, then read them a few hours later... That's why there are so many grammar errors.) and when I finally get around to reading them I can hardly believe the stuff I have shared. I am typically a very closed off person but writing behind my computer or phone allows me to open up while still feeling safe. So, not only do I surprise myself with all of the personal obstacles I put on here, but also the judiciousness that somehow comes out of my finger tips.  

2014 is a year that I will never forget. It's a year that broke me into a million different pieces that I had the fight to stick back together again. You can still see the cracks and glue marks that are keeping my in place but I am alive and right where I want to be. I don't need 2015 to be bigger and better then any year, I just need to remember everything I have worked so hard to learn and accomplish in 2014 and I know I will figure it out. If I can make it though this past year, I will make it through any. We all will. 

So, from the bottom of my heart......

Much (much, much, much) Love,

Megan

 

LOVE LIFE AND EVERYONE DAY

On days like today we remember. We remember her laugh, the way her hair smelt, the sound her voice made when she said "Fonzy!!" 

We just remember things more vividly. 

This scares me. It makes me wonder why I ever forgot about the time we cut through the crowds in Chinook Mall with our 'bitch face' on, arms linked, so people would move. Or when I read through our texts last night I realized I forgot about all of her drunk texts. I forgot just how much she said we were twins.

I doubt our friendship some days. I wonder if I meant as much to her as she means to me. I sit there and confuse my thoughts with memories... I find it hard to decipher the truth. I worry that my perception of our friendship was different then hers. I am grieving the loss of a sister. To me she was exactly that. I just hope her feelings reciprocated mine. 

I'll never know for sure though. I'm never going to know what she told other people about me or what she thought of me. I want to ask her. I want her to validate our friendship because some days I forget. Today, I forget. 

But, today is "Love Life and Everyone" day so I must not dwell on these made up idea's in my head. I must be thankful for the people I love that are still here, because, they are the ones that have helped me though my story. 

Do you know who I am thankful for? Her mother, Tami. 

Tami has shown me how to properly grieve, how to remain strong even through the worst of times, how to accept the beauty in every soul, and how to make peace with this tragity.

People say Syd had an old soul with eyes full of wisdom. People say the same to me. I say, she got that old soul and beautiful eyes from her mother. Being around Tami makes me feel like I am with Syd. Their mannerisms, their thin frames, their humor... It's all the same. I can say Tami is one of my sisters, I see her soul just like I see Syd's.

I see strength in Tami and I know that is were Syd got it. People like Sydney don't just happen. She was born with an amazing set of characteristics, but her mother truly shaped her into my best friend.

I could go on and on about all the amazing things Tami had accomplished, all that she has overcome but we all know this is her Everest. Tami is tackling this uphill battle of loss with grace, poise, strength, determination... And a little wine. Not only is Tami being a wonderful exaple for people all over the world she is being a wonderful example to Edian. Showing her son that life can be bitter and beautiful all at the same time. 

I admire Tami. I want to grow into a person with her same outlook on life, her same values, her same respect for every individual. 

So, on days like today... On "LOVE LIFE AND EVERYONE" day, I think of Tami. I think of the gifts, lessons and adventures she has given me and I feel thankful. I feel loved. I feel that there is light within this hardship and I know the light is there because of Tam. 

She is somehow managing to heal and teach amazing lessons to anyone willing to listen.

So Tami, I thank you for giving the world a girl as amazing as Sydney, and for also teaching us all how to live without her. 

Much Love,

Megan

Warriors.

We are all warriors. We all have battle scars, eyes that give away our every thought, mannerisms that are learned from those we spend our time with. We all live and experience life. Those experiences are all different and we take different learnings away from them but the idea is basically the same.

We all experience death. We all grieve the loss of loved ones, we all feel the sadness and darkness that follows the passing and one day we will all face death ourselves. 

We experience life. We experience death. 

Christmas this year is different. Typically, Christmas is a time spent with those you are closest with. You laugh, joke, bring gifts... The mood is light. This year however, I can't help but feel sad. I miss her. I miss her more and more each day. Last year at this time we were skyping with Doug's (now Tami's) puppy, Annie. This year I only see her in my dreams or driving past a field my eyes play tricks on me and I see her galloping on top of a giant blank horse.

Death isn't a fun thing to face, but we all have to. The only way I have been able to survive this tragity is through the support of my close friends, the wisdom Tami shares, and the big goofy horse named Fonzy nickering at me when I walk up. I'm not even sure I am surviving. It seems this month has been nocking me to my knees more then in the past. I have amazing people in my life to give me a hand up when I need it. 

People who come out with me to the barn on a cold Christmas Day to make sure the horses are alive and have bellies full of treats. I have people who send me Facebook messages quickly saying "Love ya Meg" at times when I seem to need it most. I have a person who hugs me goodbye before he leaves for a big hockey tournament, who even he didn't know how much I needed that today. 

We all have our people.

We all lose our people. 

Losing our people feels like we are losing parts of ourselves. I have never lost a limb but I feel as though it is comparable. All of a sudden you find yourself without something, or someone, who has become part of your life. You use it, them, on a daily basis. When it/they are gone we must learn to walk again. Find our equilibrium again. We must find a was to survive, to fight on.

People don't have "baggage." We have scars. And they are beautifully unique. They seperate us from everyone else experiencing life. They give us character, they remind us of our mistakes or our loved ones who are no longer here.  Our scars should be warn with pride, proof that we have fought in battle and healed. 

Life isn't always fun. Sometimes it pushes us to corners we never thought we would ever be in, and we must carry on. We don't choose our story, we just fill in the blanks. 

I still cry almost ever day over the loss of my best friend. I want to wake up from one of my bad nightmares and call her. Run up to her and hug her so big her wild brown hair gets in my face. I can't though. Instead, I wear this scar with pride. Knowing that even on the tough days ahead, I am still a warrior. We all are. 

Much Love,

Megan

Beautiful Strangers

I sit in a crowed Tim Hortons, sharing a table with two Arabic men who look to be in their mid seventies. They speak in a heavy Arab tongue and their english is poor at best. When I asked to share a table with them they both looked confused so I'm not even sure if they said yes. But still, they smiled back at me and offered me a napkin when my bagel made my hands dirty. These men have seen death I thought. Their leathery, wrinkled face tells a story that only they know.

They could be brothers. They share the same smiling eyes… smiling eyes that have a pain behind them. It's easy to see that these men are wise, that they have a story to tell me if only we shared the same language. It's a pity that these strangers and I will never have more then a quick hello and goodbye when I find myself so intrigued by them. Maybe the 6th of every month makes me a little more curious about how others live. I want to know their experience with death and how they cope, how they live on, and how they remember. It's beautiful that the three of us can sit together without saying a word and  still be so peaceful. 

The one with the wrinkles around his face that would form a smile even if he was mad pointed at my computer, smiling, while the one with more pain behind his eyes shook his head in embarrassment. I said I was writing. They both smiled and nodded their heads but I could tell they had no idea what the words I spoke meant. Amazing. I find myself gifted with this opportunity. No, this specific moment in time will not alter my life in a drastic way. But, I can't help being amazed by the fact that all the people in this world all have a story filled with love, hate and death. Yet throughout the adventure we can be so kind to complete strangers. It makes me wonder why families and friends ever fight. Why would I ever want to push someone away who knows part of my story. Why would I ever want to distance myself from a human who has their own story. Because I don't understand it? That's the only reason I can think of. 

How rude are we all for that. Getting so lost in our own lives and ignorantly ignoring the fact that we are all fighting in the same battle. We are trying to postpone our own death, heal from others passing, find love, appreciate the love we do have or planning for a future that isn't guaranteed.

I think about the plans Sydney and I had for this year. She was planning on living in Saskatoon with her horse while her mom and brother went travelling. We were going to go to Australia, Fiji and New Zealand together in January and enjoy the ocean and sandy beaches. Now I find myself taking care of her beautiful horse and longing to hear her voice again. Nothing is certain. No plan is guaranteed. 

The men who shared their table with me have experienced the loss of a plan due to the loss of a person. So has the mother struggling to control her three daughters, all with different animal toques on. Or the man with sad eyes and grey hair eating his soup all alone. We all have in one way or another. Except those crazy girls who are now fighting because one of them wants the pink hat. Children are so innocent. They have yet to be scathed by the tragedy life can bring. Maybe that's why I have been finding myself longing for a family of my own. Being able to teach someone who is so impressionable all of my experiences with life and death. Giving them their own experiences to create their own understanding of it all. Laughing when the colour of a hat is the end of their world because if that is their biggest worry, their mother is doing a wonderful job of allowing them to be kids. 

We all have a story. I often find myself lost in mine. Wondering how I got here or where I am going. I find myself lucky to have amazing people surrounding me and devastated missing those who are no longer here. I must be venerable though, I must be real. It is impossible for me to be anything different now. It would be easier to light a rock on fire with my bare hands then to change the way I am now. Which I am okay with. My life is not where I planned it to be but I am here, I am working hard, I am being authentic and I wearing my scars with pride because I have worked to over come my fears, my self doubts and my saddens. We all have. 

I didn't have any intention or direction with this post, I never do, I just let my fingers run away on me. I want to leave everyone with one last thought…

Be kind. Be authentic. Be venerable. Allow yourself to get hurt and feel pain. Allow yourself to feel every emotion life brings you way because you never know what your last emotion will be or what the last thought inside your head will be. Experience it all. Share it all. Listen to others stories because you will never learn more by listening to the sound your own voice. Share a table with random people because even if you don't share a conversation, you might find yourself thinking about something you never have before… and that is how you grow.

Much Love,

Megan

Unconditional Love?

What the heck is that even? Unconditional love I mean. Is it possible to fully, unconditionally love someone? something? Let's break this down a little more.

Unconditional. Without a doubt, unrestricted, full, genuine, unlimited, flat out, through going, unquestionable, clear, certian. Hold your ponies people, those are some serious words I just threw out. I mean come on.

Love. No synonyms come to mind.

When we combine these two very strong minded words, we get a very intense reaction. We get perfection. Is perfection even possible though? Doesn't seem like it… not in my life anyways. I strive for perfection every day and I have yet to actually achieve it. So maybe this means that unconditional love isn't plausible. I hope it isn't.

I don't want unconditional love. I would abuse it. We all would so stop those snarky comments in your head right now. I want messy. I want the type of love that's universal. I want crazy love. Messy love. Passionate love. Angry love. Sad love. Whole love. I want the type of love where you freak out and worry about the stupidest things, when your partner does the same. I want the type of love that makes you turn into a crazy person. The type of love that makes you question everything you are, who you want to be. Fill me with love that has no rules, no guidelines. Break all the rules in the book for me. Say you love me after three weeks because you know you feel it and don't give a crap if the allotted time is four months. Tell me I'm pretty with no make up and in a baggy sweater. Come visit my friends cross with me and let me cry on your shoulder. Wake up with me at three in the morning then drive home, just so we can fake a sleep over. Let me freak out and worry about the made up situations in my head then remind me, politely, that i'm just going mental. Cover me with love so strong, so flawed, so unique, so honest, so rich that I don't need it from anyone else.

I don't need some fancy adjective to go in front of my kind of love. I just need love. That word can stand tall all on its own. So give me that. I need love that is unexampled. Completely and utterly our own. That's all I  need. I don't need unconditional, I need ours. I need our flawed and fabulous love. Perfect love, naw. Just show up in any mood, with all the baggage from the day, all the tiredness, or all the bad news. Honestly, I just need you in any form and I will feel and give out love.

That's how you love. That's how to overflow with joy every morning  and every night. There is no "How To Love For Dummies" book or a rule book you receive when you turn 16. You just make mistakes, you stumble and you break and someone comes along and puts your pieces back together. Or maybe you fix your own pieces and someone sends a "wife me" message out of the blue that is going to turn into a reality one day. Whatever it is, love is love. So embrace yourself, love yourself. Love everyone that comes into your life. Get hurt. Break. Learn. There is no other way, there is no right or wrong way so just love naturally, genuinely, and you'll find it. You'll find your *insert you perfect adjective here* love, and then it won't matter if it's unconditional, or perfect, it will just be your own. And let me tell you this, it will be exactly like those cheese love stories you pretend to hate.

Much Love,

Megan

Being Human

It's beautiful isn't it? It's the only thing that we can choose exactly what we share with people, what we think, dream, wish or ponder about. It's the only thing on this entire plant that doesn't have a limit... Except for those bendy lines on graphs that I was supposed to learn about in highschool math but didn't seem to stick.

It's the only thing where we have complete privacy, complete control and complete freedom all at once. Our minds give us an emance amount of power and most of us don't even realize it. Or maybe we forget. We forget that we're allowed to think about whatever we desire with no judgment from others. We can dream about our most far fetched aspirations. We can slip away from reality and get lost in our own little world. Magical.

Sometimes I find myself being so negative… thinking about negative situations or feelings and then letting my mind spiral out of control. Why would I allow myself to do this? I could choose to think about all the wonderful things life has to bring me or dream away all the negativity we all find ourselves surrounded by. Instead I can't seem to shake my thoughts some days. Which is so silly considering I am the only one who dictates what goes on under all my blond hair. It frustrates me when I feel I am trying so hard to be positive yet, when I am the only one responsible for my own thoughts, I am failing some days.

We all have an infinite amount of things to think about in our lifetime. We can seriously think about anything… anything that has ever been or ever will be. We have no reason to be bored when we have such an amazing gift. Our imaginations are more colourful then any computer, TV, or cell phone. All three of those things are just objects that someone spent one single thought on to create. Think of how many more cool creations the world would have if we all spent just an hour a day thinking about something new and exciting instead of numbingly scrolling through our news feeds like a bunch of mindless robots programmed to sift through piles of unimportant crap. Think about how happier people would be if they spent a little more time lost in their own world filled with whatever they desire rather then seeing Kim Kardashian's oiled up, photoshopped butt all over the place. I know I'm getting a little sick of comparing my flat, half white girl half native butt to hers.

I'm ready to get lost in my own little world filled with unicorns and peanut butter fountains… even more then that though… I'm ready to start talking to people who spend time alone, they are the happy people with new perspectives of life. They are the people who have something new to share. They are the people I want to be more alike… They are the people who truly rich because nothing has a higher price tag then a well mind.

Much Love

Megan