Peace, Love and Positivity.

Sometimes in life we can get so consumed by such meaningless activities or objects that we lose sight of who we are. We forget what makes us truly happy or peaceful and we get wrapped up into a tight ball of stress over which bachelor Andy is going to pick this season, how much money we have, how that girl looked at you the wrong way in the mall, or even some of us (probably just me) want to cry when our eyelashes aren't perfect. I am so incredibly guilty of this. I forget that just a sip of strong coffee can lighten my mood or how sitting with my dog can bring me such peace. I forget that I don't actually care what other people think of me or what they want to do with their lives. Most people are strangers. We think we know them but most of the time we just know who they are trying to portray. I have a small circle of people in my life who I truly know, who I truly care about. Still, I obsessive over the fact that some people don't like me even though I don't care for them. Or I have a burning need to be accepted by everyone I meet. Would it really be the end of the world if I didn't get along with one person? Probably not. I would (probably) be much happier if I just did things with people who I truly connect with and quit worrying about the rest. I would (probably) find so much peace with just sitting alone with my emotions. I'm not even sure I know who I am. What thoughts would come to me if I sat in total solitude for an hour? Animals... (probably.) My point to all of this rambling is that I am unhappy. I can admit that. I want so much more out of life. Granted, I have a lot. I have so much to be thankful for, yet, I want more. I want to be able to sit outside with a cup of coffee and just be comfortable in my own skin. I want to let my mind wander and dream up the most crazy things it possibly can, then I want to chase those dreams. I want to go for walks by myself and ride my horse by myself and take long bubble baths... By myself. I want to learn to love myself and be friends with myself. I want to learn who I am and figure out what I like and what I dislike and I want to become truly happy in my own skin. What is wrong with solitude? I have friends and family who I absolutely love with all my heart but I can't open up to them, I can't tell them I love them, because I don't know who I am. I can't open up to people and share my beliefs with them if I don't even know what they are. 

I find that this is one of the things many people today don't do enough of. Soul searching. It sounds lame but who cares. I don't think that we are all born with a set plan or path to follow. I don't think we ever know who we truly are because we are always growing and changing. I do think that we could all spend a little more time figuring out our own personalities as opposed to wondering what the Kardashian's are up to.  

I am just recently descovering that I feel things. I spent most of my teenage years being so numb to everything. I never ever, ever, cried. I never experienced a deep laugh where your abs and cheeks hurt. I've never been so anrgy I could punch a hole in a wall. I was numb. My mom thought I had some serious issues because of it. I did what I was told, I did extra cleaning and work around the house to make my parents happy, I became a real life robot (don't think about that last one too much... I'm not even sure it makes sense.) The point is, I acted how the perfect daughter or sister or friend should act but it wasn't who I was. Now I find myself forced to admit I have emotions and even harder then that, I have to try to deal with them. And it's fricken hard. I don't know who I am because I have spent my whole life up until now living for other people. My past is my past. I can't change the fact that I never allowed myself to be human growing up but I can try to change that now. I am trying to find my way and I am trying to get to know myself... To love myself. 

My life has changed drasticly these past few months but I finally feel alive. I have delt with so much sadness that I don't have a choice. I needed a wake up call and I got it. I lost so many people close to me, thus forcing me to be alone and figure myself out. I feel a little bit like a baby horse trying to figure their legs out, all out of control, going in different directions. I'm stumbling and falling down but I'm getting back up. I'm not strong enough to carry the weight of my emotions yet but I am not going to give up until I can stand tall. 

Peace, Love and Positivity. 

Megan. Xoxoxoxo