Death

These last few days have been tough for me. I have been painfully missing Sydney. I miss our silly conversations and late night FaceTime's. I miss telling her everything new and exciting in my life, or even the boring stuff that doesn't even matter. I miss planning our trip that we were going to go on in January and I miss searching for weekends where we're both available to see each other. I didn't find enough time for those. Work or riding always seemed to get in the way. That's the only regret I have about this whole devistating situation, I didn't try as hard as I could of to go see her as often as I should of. I didn't make her my top priority even though I constantly told her that she was.

Losing anyone is hard. Death is scary, confusing and life changing. No matter how you handle the loss of a loved one you're life will be forever different. Different in a good way or in a negative way, being the same is not an option. I am trying me best to handle this awful situation with grace and positivity... It doesn't always work but I think I'm pretty close. I hit my darkest point shortly after Syd passed, I sunk to a place so low, so negative I only had two ways out; end my life or get up and beat the shit out of all the negativety. My dad was basically a professional fighter and as it turns out, so am I.

Hitting that place scared me... A lot. I will never be in that place again, I know that for a fact. I learned so much about myself after that happened, I understood so much more then I did before. One of the things I figured out was death. No I don't know when or why everyone dies, but I came to an understanding that I can't control it, I can only control my reactions to loss. I had delt with death when my riding coach and second mom, Elaine, passed away. That was tough. Losing Syd was infinity times tougher. Maybe it was tougher because I was already in a negative place. Maybe because I was older. Most likely, it was because she was my "soul sista" and she knew everything about me. My good stuff and my bad stuff. She loved me anyways. It's very rare to find someone who accepts you for exactly who you are, and when you do, you hold onto them as tight as you can until death pries them out of your hands. 

Death is something we all face, it bonds people because at some point or another we will all experience loss. I have figured out my meaning and reasoning for death, that doesn't make it the right way. It's just the way that I, as an individual, have managed to cope through this. 

Losing someone is very hard to wrap your head around. Simplified, one moment a living breathing specimen is here, the next their not. Okay, seems pretty simple... Until you find yourself curled up in your baby brothers arms after collapsing on the cold floor. In that moment, nothing is simple. Emotions are spinning out of control (something I am not used to.) Typically my emotions are exactly what I want them to be and when. Through this I was forced to accept being out of control; I resisted at first but now I'm accepting it. I'm accepting the fact that I cannot control death. I do not decided when my loved ones who are still here supporting me and making me smile leave me. I cannot choose who stays and who goes. When they go... How they go. I understand I am out of control of making that decision. More importantly then that, I understand I AM in control of how I react to such situations. I choose to be happy every day. Not because I never know when my time is up, instead I am happy every day because smiling and laughing with people I care about sounds a million times better then moping around feeling sorry for myself. I have my moments of sadness or anger but they are sparsely spread amongst moments of pure joy and peace. 

Coming to the realization of what we can control and what we can't is life changing. I get embarrassed thinking about how I innitionally handled the situation. I am so much stronger then that, but it took me getting to that point to truly believe that. I am a very strong person. That doesn't mean my life is easy and I am happy all the time with zero effort. It means my life has had some bad stuff in it and I choose every single fricken day that I will be happy no matter what happens. That is what being strong is all about. Facing your sadness head on, accepting it, then deciding that no matter how bad the situation you will be truly happy for no reason other then you deserve to be. Every single person still on this earth deserves happiness. It doesn't matter what you did in the past, if you were a drug dealer, a murderer or even a rapest, if you change your ways you have a gosh darn right to be happy. And the only person who can take that right away from you is you.... So don't. Okay? Happiness truly is one of the only things in this life we have total control over so never give that up. Never forget the good things. Never, ever, be overgrown by darkness because it will show you no mercy. Instead, see the beauty life has to offer. See the green grass and perfectly clouded sky and be happy that you were giving the oppertunity to whitness such simple attractions. 

Much Love,

Megan