Stress

Stress. I am filled with that today.

I am stressed about money… or more my lack of. 80% of my next paycheque is going to go towards Fonzy's board and the rest is going to pay off my visa. Which means I will have about 20 bucks to last me three weeks (until my next, next paycheque.) I want to scream just thinking about that… or cry. Maybe I'll do both. Or maybe I'll stay quiet like I always do and just silently suffer. 

Don't we all do that though? Suffer in silence?

I've gotten really good at that… I've had a lot of time to practice. How selfish would I be if I thought I was the only one though? This Starbucks is packed with people and I would bet every single one of them are stressed about something. Double or nothing says that every single one of these people are stressed about money just like me. That's not a totally fair bet though because I can see that everyone (but me) is a student. My point, everyone wants more money. It doesn't matter how much you have, it never seems to be enough. What kind of world are we making? I'll tell you, a shitty one. 

I was so close to throwing away my happiness and becoming a dentist just to make lots of money, right now I'm thinking maybe I should have done that. Money stress is the worst kind of stress. But then I think that I would be even more poor right now and the having two horses thing would for sure not be happening. 

I'm feeling down because I still live at home and I have so many expenses it seems, and it's obviously only going to get worse. So that's my money stress. 

Then I have Max stress. He has been a complete moose recently. I have hardly seen any improvement and my coach and I are almost out of ideas… unless she has a plan she is keeping from me anyways. I know I need to sell him at the end of this summer because I can't afford two and Fonzy is a forever horse. So there is an added pressure to get him going better. Selling him would also relive some of my financial stress but getting him to the salable point isn't looking too good right now. Latched onto this stressor is my job. I can't show him all summer (which I need to do in order to sell him) and work all summer. So my only plausible option is to quit my job this summer to show which means (you guessed it) more financial stress due to no income and pricey show fees. Plus, quitting my job which I worked so hard to get isn't something logical for me to do. 

I feel stuck… just like Max has been recently. I have played out so many different options in my head and none of them have everything work out how it needs to be. I can't seem to just ride the wave on this one… It's just too much that is going to blow up in my face. I am so bitter thinking about it all. I hate that I am never home, my billet has fully replaced me, and I am tired all of the time. I'm stressed all of the time and I feel fat all of the time. 

I know I should be thankful, I have a fully working body, no life threatening diseases, a family that loves me, an amazing boyfriend and I am lucky enough to have two gorgeous horses. But today, I'm down… really far down into a dark hole so I needed to complain somewhere… so I choose here because it's the only place where no one will yell at me for bitching even though I have a lot. 

I don't care that I have lots to be thankful for… I have lots to stress me out too. So I'm gosh darn allowed to be fricken stressed and edgy because of this.  

Much Love,

Megan

Snapchat

Love.

Hate.

Two complete opposites. Two words that bring up opposite emotions, opposite people, opposite thoughts, opposite memories. These words are completely, one hundred and ten percent unrelated but yet they somehow can be entwined in certain parts of our lives. We all love sunrises, but we hate getting up early. We love summer days but hate mosquitoes. We love to be independent, we hate to feel alone.

Love.

Hate.

Welded antonyms.

Life teaches us balance. Life will rip you apart, it will rupture your very soul, life will end. It will end in such a tragedy that everyone close to the life that once was, but no longer is, will be left standing on the side of the road wondering how the last breath felt. How the last laugh sounded. How the last feeling felt. It will leave loved ones who are still being pulsed with warm blood crying in a Starbucks at the thought of what it must of felt like to have everything go dark. To no longer… to no longer be anything but a beautiful soul.

Then life will bring you a picture of a guy with spiky hair and the caption "wife me" and you will look back on that first Snapchat through a friends phone and think… yeah I will do that one day. Life will gift you with beautiful souls, who's voices you can still hear, and you will have to sit back and think. Not just about the cute fall boots you saw at the mall the other day, you will have to really, really think. You'll have to cry. Then laugh. Then be more confused then ever.

Because life does that. It gives you love and gives you hate.

Whether the caption is "I dunno, duggghh, and lol" or "wife me." Whether it's death by selfie or love by selfie, life will teach you to love… even after all the hate. I hated life aftar the "I dunno, duuggghh, and lol."I was so prepared to end my life. To stop everything. I craved the darkness because it seemed so much better then the painful light that was now cutting through everything I was. The brightness was  probing at my soul. Every lesson comes with a brightness, a new understanding. I was just taught death… death by selfie… and I was going to jump head first into the darkness because I didn't ask for this lesson, I didn't want it, and I wasn't going to face it. I was going to end it.

Then three months to the day later, I was taught love. Another lesson I didn't ask for… another lesson that was changing everything I thought I was. I was given brightness that wasn't piercing my soul but rather stuffing all those previous shatters and filing me with light that isn't too much to handle… it's just the right amount. It's the type of feeling you only get to experience with one person in your lifetime.

The timing was all wrong, yet perfect at the same time. It moved to quickly, yet perfectly. It was unexpected, and surprising, and everything that I had never wanted. I didn't know what I wanted… what I needed… but life taught me. It taught me to love, even after all the hate.

Life will force you to think further then your university class or job training. Life will push you all over the place in a wild, balloon in the wind manner and it will teach you things you didn't even know you needed to learn. Life has made me think these last six months. It has made me a fighter… something I didn't know it was. Life has broken me in ways that even my worst nightmares couldn't come up with but it has also brought me experiences that somehow help me find the gifts in death.

Every death brings gifts and lessons. I am learning my lessons and experiencing my gifts. These gifts and lessons don't preponderate the pain from the death but somehow they make it bearable…What used to be an insufferable amount of brightness is now a sunset at dusk.

Balance isn't always good, and it isn't always bad… it just is. Just like all of us.

We just are. Balance just is.

Much Love,

Megan

Soul Sista

I lay calmly in bed, with Roscoe curled up in the crease of my knees, and think back on so many memories I have with Sydney. She is my best friend and I am so thankful I got to share part of my life with her. 

I anticipated great sadness today. I was preparing to be swolled whole by the darkness but that didn't happen. Instead I found myself peacful. The first time I have felt this way on the 6th of any month since her passing. Six months have gone by and I only cried twice... A lot less then expected. Her presence was strongly with me today... Helping me feel peace, not acceptance, but a little peace. 

You see, Sydney knew every little detail about my life and I knew everything about hers. She was my "Soul Sista." I can't help but feel that more has happened to me these last six months then in my previous 20 years before hand. I talk out loud to her like a crazy person and tell her about my days, about my struggles and success. Maybe that makes me a tad mental, actually I know it does. It's hard for me to even write that out knowing so many people will read it but I have to. I have to say things in this posting that may get my checked into a psych ward because this is my therapy, writing is slowly healing me. 

Sitting on the warm, charcoal coloured rocks in Cinque de Terre giggling at the tanned Itialian boys while eating pesto pizza and sipping lemon iced tea watching the sun go down. Our bodies feeling drained from so much sun exposure earlier on in the day. Tanning from nine in the morning till seven in the evening on these large rocks in the blistering Itialian heat will overdose you on sun. Perfect. That's exactly what Sydney and I were going for. We basked in sun while laying on our stomachs and nervously untyied our bikini tops to get rid of the tan lines on our backs. Giggling at ourselves for feeling so dangerous, meanwhile, the surrounding people were all completely topless. We saw so many variations of breasts on that trip... I don't think anything could shock me at this point. We grew up in Europe. We became "Soul Sista's" in Europe. 

The previous summer I spent a little over a month on the Ellis ranch with Syd. The first time I had ever had a sleep over with her and we decided to have about 60 or so in a row. A month at her place, then trailered her horses to my place for a month. We spent that whole summer together. Our friendship formed quickly. I guess when people say "when you know, you know" it can also apply to friendship. We knew. We knew how perfect we were for each other. How scary it was how our life events perfectly matched up. How we liked the same food, the same shows, music, horses, everything. We are twins who share no common physical features but have the exact internal characteristics. Soul Sista's. 

Spending two summers in a row with Sydney brought us closer then ever before. We love each other. 

Spain showed us luxury. We strutted around our spacious house in teeny tiny bikini's and floppy hats with no tops to them (we couldn't figure out why someone would make a hat with only a brim.) Taking casual dips in the pool, picking fresh oranges off of the surrounding trees, eating 6 chocolate croissants a day (minimum), putting on dresses after supper to walk around the village and wave at cars full of Spanish boys heading to the city to party. We were high class... Or so we thought anyways. I mean, who wouldn't think they were literally 'The Shit' when you had a beautiful home and every boy or man who passed by commenting on your beauty. Hello Spain, we're never leaving. 

But then Itialy came along and changed our lives. We fell in love with gelato, pizza, and the much more forward boys. We were two young girls who were constantly hearing "Ciao Bella" as background lyrics to our giggles or heavy conversations. We were falling in love with the heat, the food, and each other. We gave ourselves the name "Soul Sista's" over a shared pizza on those special rocks.  

We missed our horses though. We were both dying to get back in the saddle. Oh we joked about shipping them to Itialy and never going back to Canada again. We researched which airlines would be best as if our dream was actually plausible. I grin thinking back on our wild idea's. On watching the full series (yes I said series) of One Tree Hill in a little over 60 days. On eating three boxes of freezies, Costco size, in the same amount of time. I throw out a big toothy smile thinking about how close we are. I'm fortunate for that. 

I'm fortunate I can still feel her around me, or see her sitting on her horses back. I'm fortunate I can feel her long, thin arms hugging me from behind my shoulders when I need comfort, when I need a sign I'm with exactly who I need to be with. She can't give me verbal advice but I know she is guiding me in the right direction. All of these things are a lot to take in, especially from someone who isn't religious in any way. However, feeling Syd on my back ever since my first visit back to the ranch after her passing has made me spiritual. How could it not? My "Soul Sista" is legitimately my Soul Sister now.  

Maybe it's the lack of sleep or emotional exhaustion from today that pushed me to share all that. Maybe I'll regret it after I get an hour of sleep. Either way, I'm lucky that even after my "Soul Sista" is physically gone, she is still right here. She's still got my back... Kinda literally. 

Much Love,

Megan

Jealousy

"Jealousy only eats up your beauty. Have more faith in yourself, you've got something that other people don't."

This quote rolls off of my tongue nicely but actually living by these words is hard for me. I never used to be this way but recently I find myself getting a jealous feeling over the silliest of things. And I don't like it. I'm not used to that sick feeling in my stomach or losing sleep over a stupid matter... But here I am. Wide awake at four in the morning because I'm letting my jealously control my thoughts. Perfect Megan. You're killing it. 

You see, I have been comparing myself to so many girls recently and it sucks. Sure, I did it in the past too but these last few weeks have been out of control. I see a girl with a nicer body then me on my Instagram (I follow tons of fitness accounts so this happens lots) and it kinda ruins my mood for a couple min. Yeah, I get over it pretty quick but still.. It's not fun.

This whole feeling has slowly been making me crazy and I guess tonight was my breaking point. I am laying here being incredibly hard on myself and nothing I try to think seems to be able to shake my negitive thoughts. This is totally one of my mental disorders coming out but I just can't seem to grab a hold of it this past week. Typically I am very much in control of my mind... I have to be in order to remain mentally healthy, but right now I am without a doubt losing my shit. 

The thing that really bothers me about this whole situation right now (besides losing sleep and feeling crazy) is the fact that I can pin point exactly why it's happening but I just can't seem to actually change it. Like what the 'freaken bats' is that about?! 

Why can't I just be like "yeah okay brain, you're chemically unbalanced, I get it. Now stop it and be happy."

Uhhh I feel like I can't even write well today because I am completely consumed by these horrible thoughts that most likely are completely made up situations in my head... I am (legit) basic white girl-ing right meow. Making up situations then worrying about those situations as if they were real situations... Still following? 

If you didn't understand that it probably means you're normal, so congrats my friend you get a cookie. As for those who were able to follow that, yay you made the team. We have matching jerseys, weekly meetings to obsess over our wildly inaccurate worries, a cool texting group, and pictures of jacked girls to make your problems worse. Sign up is free. 

There is zero positive ending to this post. No motivational quote or small success. I'm still laying here going nuts, just thought I would give writing a try, it didn't seem to help much. I'm be hitting the gym in an hour so hopfully that helps me get my head back on straight. 

Much Love Crazies,

Megan

Fighting For Air Crying

Maybe it's the sun rising in the morning, the smell of coffee brewing or the rhythmic pounding of a horses hooves under me. 

Maybe it's the crisp fall air, loud rap music or big comfy scarves. 

Maybe it's seeing my boyfriend's smile after a long day, sipping tea or sitting with my pooch. 

Whatever it is, I have happiness in my life. That doesn't mean I am happy all the time though. Today for example, I was sad. I was carrying yesterday's stress from work on my shoulders this morning still, I was missing my friend and I was pissed that Max has been such a brat this past month. I woke up and I kinda knew today was going to suck. And do you know what? It did. It was long and stressful and I messed up a lot at work after reading Tami's post on Facebook and I came home and I cried then I got in trouble for not being thankful for what I do have in life. Then I went and had a decent ride on the horse I'm breaking at the moment and realized something. I'm allowed to have bad days. I'm allowed to make mistakes at work and feel horrible about it. I'm allowed to cry over Sydney even though it's been six months. And god damn it I'm allowed to forget for a few hours how lucky I am because I am a  human being who makes mistakes and crys when I can't save a bird with a broken wing (something else to add to my day.) 

So I did just that. I cried. Hard. Completely uncontrollable, fighting for air, make up running down my face, curled up in a ball and feeling sorry for myself cry. The type of cry that you can only do completely alone in your room without even your dogs presence. Crying to the point of complete instanity. I did that. And I am proud of myself. I hate crying. No, I despise crying. It makes me feel weak and gross and out of control. So, if I ever feel so much pain I must cry it's just a few tears running down my cheeks. But oh boy not tonight. Tonight I didn't control a thing and, even though it is totally embarrassing, I feel better. I feel like I just cried away all my stress and sadness and I'll be good for a while now.

So the lessons I learned today were this:

I take things personally. When I make a mistake it completely ruins me. I don't think I will ever be able to fully change that but I'll start to work on it. 

I am going to be sad about Syd still. I'm going to have days that suck but I need to try and not let those sad moments affect the rest of my life. But, I am allowed to be sad. 

I can cry. I can completely lose my shit and cry until even I am wondering what I'm crying about. Then I can make a blog post about it for the world to see. 

I am strong. I can deal with almost any situation throw my way. 

I am also weak. I kick myself when I'm down. I do this lots. 

Most importantly, I learned that I am human. We all are. We are all going to cry and get upset and let it ruin our days. It's just going to happen. 

I'm embracing myself. Or trying my best to anyways. It's kinda hard because I truly don't like certain things about me but I'm working on my weaknesses. Which is something I can be proud of. 

Much Love,

Megan