Fighting For Air Crying

Maybe it's the sun rising in the morning, the smell of coffee brewing or the rhythmic pounding of a horses hooves under me. 

Maybe it's the crisp fall air, loud rap music or big comfy scarves. 

Maybe it's seeing my boyfriend's smile after a long day, sipping tea or sitting with my pooch. 

Whatever it is, I have happiness in my life. That doesn't mean I am happy all the time though. Today for example, I was sad. I was carrying yesterday's stress from work on my shoulders this morning still, I was missing my friend and I was pissed that Max has been such a brat this past month. I woke up and I kinda knew today was going to suck. And do you know what? It did. It was long and stressful and I messed up a lot at work after reading Tami's post on Facebook and I came home and I cried then I got in trouble for not being thankful for what I do have in life. Then I went and had a decent ride on the horse I'm breaking at the moment and realized something. I'm allowed to have bad days. I'm allowed to make mistakes at work and feel horrible about it. I'm allowed to cry over Sydney even though it's been six months. And god damn it I'm allowed to forget for a few hours how lucky I am because I am a  human being who makes mistakes and crys when I can't save a bird with a broken wing (something else to add to my day.) 

So I did just that. I cried. Hard. Completely uncontrollable, fighting for air, make up running down my face, curled up in a ball and feeling sorry for myself cry. The type of cry that you can only do completely alone in your room without even your dogs presence. Crying to the point of complete instanity. I did that. And I am proud of myself. I hate crying. No, I despise crying. It makes me feel weak and gross and out of control. So, if I ever feel so much pain I must cry it's just a few tears running down my cheeks. But oh boy not tonight. Tonight I didn't control a thing and, even though it is totally embarrassing, I feel better. I feel like I just cried away all my stress and sadness and I'll be good for a while now.

So the lessons I learned today were this:

I take things personally. When I make a mistake it completely ruins me. I don't think I will ever be able to fully change that but I'll start to work on it. 

I am going to be sad about Syd still. I'm going to have days that suck but I need to try and not let those sad moments affect the rest of my life. But, I am allowed to be sad. 

I can cry. I can completely lose my shit and cry until even I am wondering what I'm crying about. Then I can make a blog post about it for the world to see. 

I am strong. I can deal with almost any situation throw my way. 

I am also weak. I kick myself when I'm down. I do this lots. 

Most importantly, I learned that I am human. We all are. We are all going to cry and get upset and let it ruin our days. It's just going to happen. 

I'm embracing myself. Or trying my best to anyways. It's kinda hard because I truly don't like certain things about me but I'm working on my weaknesses. Which is something I can be proud of. 

Much Love,

Megan