I anticipated great sadness today. I was preparing to be swolled whole by the darkness but that didn't happen. Instead I found myself peacful. The first time I have felt this way on the 6th of any month since her passing. Six months have gone by and I only cried twice... A lot less then expected. Her presence was strongly with me today... Helping me feel peace, not acceptance, but a little peace.
You see, Sydney knew every little detail about my life and I knew everything about hers. She was my "Soul Sista." I can't help but feel that more has happened to me these last six months then in my previous 20 years before hand. I talk out loud to her like a crazy person and tell her about my days, about my struggles and success. Maybe that makes me a tad mental, actually I know it does. It's hard for me to even write that out knowing so many people will read it but I have to. I have to say things in this posting that may get my checked into a psych ward because this is my therapy, writing is slowly healing me.
Sitting on the warm, charcoal coloured rocks in Cinque de Terre giggling at the tanned Itialian boys while eating pesto pizza and sipping lemon iced tea watching the sun go down. Our bodies feeling drained from so much sun exposure earlier on in the day. Tanning from nine in the morning till seven in the evening on these large rocks in the blistering Itialian heat will overdose you on sun. Perfect. That's exactly what Sydney and I were going for. We basked in sun while laying on our stomachs and nervously untyied our bikini tops to get rid of the tan lines on our backs. Giggling at ourselves for feeling so dangerous, meanwhile, the surrounding people were all completely topless. We saw so many variations of breasts on that trip... I don't think anything could shock me at this point. We grew up in Europe. We became "Soul Sista's" in Europe.
The previous summer I spent a little over a month on the Ellis ranch with Syd. The first time I had ever had a sleep over with her and we decided to have about 60 or so in a row. A month at her place, then trailered her horses to my place for a month. We spent that whole summer together. Our friendship formed quickly. I guess when people say "when you know, you know" it can also apply to friendship. We knew. We knew how perfect we were for each other. How scary it was how our life events perfectly matched up. How we liked the same food, the same shows, music, horses, everything. We are twins who share no common physical features but have the exact internal characteristics. Soul Sista's.
Spending two summers in a row with Sydney brought us closer then ever before. We love each other.
Spain showed us luxury. We strutted around our spacious house in teeny tiny bikini's and floppy hats with no tops to them (we couldn't figure out why someone would make a hat with only a brim.) Taking casual dips in the pool, picking fresh oranges off of the surrounding trees, eating 6 chocolate croissants a day (minimum), putting on dresses after supper to walk around the village and wave at cars full of Spanish boys heading to the city to party. We were high class... Or so we thought anyways. I mean, who wouldn't think they were literally 'The Shit' when you had a beautiful home and every boy or man who passed by commenting on your beauty. Hello Spain, we're never leaving.
But then Itialy came along and changed our lives. We fell in love with gelato, pizza, and the much more forward boys. We were two young girls who were constantly hearing "Ciao Bella" as background lyrics to our giggles or heavy conversations. We were falling in love with the heat, the food, and each other. We gave ourselves the name "Soul Sista's" over a shared pizza on those special rocks.
We missed our horses though. We were both dying to get back in the saddle. Oh we joked about shipping them to Itialy and never going back to Canada again. We researched which airlines would be best as if our dream was actually plausible. I grin thinking back on our wild idea's. On watching the full series (yes I said series) of One Tree Hill in a little over 60 days. On eating three boxes of freezies, Costco size, in the same amount of time. I throw out a big toothy smile thinking about how close we are. I'm fortunate for that.
I'm fortunate I can still feel her around me, or see her sitting on her horses back. I'm fortunate I can feel her long, thin arms hugging me from behind my shoulders when I need comfort, when I need a sign I'm with exactly who I need to be with. She can't give me verbal advice but I know she is guiding me in the right direction. All of these things are a lot to take in, especially from someone who isn't religious in any way. However, feeling Syd on my back ever since my first visit back to the ranch after her passing has made me spiritual. How could it not? My "Soul Sista" is legitimately my Soul Sister now.
Maybe it's the lack of sleep or emotional exhaustion from today that pushed me to share all that. Maybe I'll regret it after I get an hour of sleep. Either way, I'm lucky that even after my "Soul Sista" is physically gone, she is still right here. She's still got my back... Kinda literally.
Much Love,
Megan
Beautifully written and lived
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