Losing love brings an erie stillness to your body. A feeling that you are not actually who you thought you were. A feeling of uncertainty about who you are, what you want or how you will ever go forward. I have lost love. The amazing, and kinda tricky, thing about love is even when death rips it out from your chest you can still keep some of it inside you.
Let me explain that better...
Love is always growing and changing. Over time you realize that how you used to love someone isn't how you love them anymore. Maybe you grew out of love, maybe there is less passion, more passion, more respect, more memories, maybe (if you're lucky) you're still falling in love with someone every time you look at them. So, when the darkness extracts that love from you, really all it is taking is the change of love. The love that you once had can never be stollen, only remembered... Only felt in your chest everytime you ride your lost loved one's horse.
Love is tricky.
But also beautiful.
Love comes in many forms. Of course the love I am talking about in this blog post is a friendship type love. A love for my radiant, divine, stunner of a friend... Sydney. I love her with all my heart and that love will never, ever change. The oppertunity for that love to change is no longer available to me, but that doesn't discredit the love I still feel for her.
I think about Syd every single day. Some days I cry. I'm okay with admitting that though. I'm sure lots of people still cry thinking about her... Remembering her. But that's love. Sometimes is makes you smile and sometimes it makes you cry. I smile when I am with Fonzy... But I cry with him too some days. I smile when I remember all the silly memories we shared together and all the experiences we took on together. I think that's one of the toughest things to do after losing love, being able to smile at the memories and not sob your eyes out everytime a thought pops into your head. One should never feel guilty for smiling while remembering such beauty, such love.
No one moves on from love. That's another way it's tricky. Pure, raw, authentic love can never be moved on from. It stays in a special place inside our chest. It is one of the only permenent emotions, the only feeling that can grow upwards but can never be broken down.
How beautiful is that to think of?
My heart is pounding in my chest as I write this because I can feel my love for Syd still burning strong. I will never move on from her passing. I don't mean that in a negitive, depressed way. It is a beautiful, rare gift I have... Her love.
Her love was fierce, passionate, raw, authentic, natural, consistent, genuine, trustworthy and warm. I am lucky enough to have the oppertunity to hold onto those emotions for the rest of time. That is an amazing gift no one can take from me... Syd gave me a gift that can never be lost or replaced and for that I am forever grateful.
I miss her. I always will. I have made the conscious decision to not let that hole she left remain empty though, I have decided to fill that cut out of her in my heart with all the love she gave me. Although it is not the same as having her here, it does make me feel full of happiness. So with that, I can live my life to the fullest knowing that a part of her is always with me.
So Much Love,
Megan
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