Missing You

Dear Sydney,

I miss you more then you will ever know. My eyes cry not being able to see your pretty face. My hands tremble as if they know that they will never reach out to you again. My ears beg to hear your light laughter. My heart, it breaks knowing it can never fill the hole you left. 

I don't know how I can ever make peace with this situation. I need you here. I need your advice. My days are filled with sadness and depression. Every night before bed I cry all alone. I am hardly surviving, hardly staying above water. I feel a pulling sensation, a weight to my body every minute of the day. I miss you. I want to tell you about this amazing new horse I got, but you already know him. You already love him. I called for him today and he whinnied at me like he always did to you. Then he realized your dark, messy curls were not walking toward him. I sat in his hay and cried. We both miss you. 

I want to tell you that Jordan got home today. I want to tell you how happy I am that I have a friend in the city again. How I need you to finally meet her in person and not just through Skype. I know you two would be awesome friends. I want to tempt you to moving here. Dad said you could have Kole's room next spring. You knew that. You knew you had a second home here with me, with all your friends. But you're gone. You left me and I'm mad. 

Why can't I pick up the phone and call you? I need you to tell me my dreams aren't crazy. I need you to convince me you're half black or tell me to stop saying "I can't breath" every time you make me laugh too hard. I miss the laughter you brought into my life. 

I feel guilty that you can no longer be with Fonzy. Do you miss him? Or are you at peace with life, with death?

Your mom shares beautiful stories with me, opens up to me. It makes me feel closer to you. She tells me to try and see the beauty in every situation, to see your beauty everywhere. And I do. But it hurts. I see beauty in this world and I appreciate it more then I ever have, but it's not enough. I need you here with me. I would give up anything to be with you right now. I think about taking my own life to be near you. But what if when we die there is nothing more? I hope there is. I hope that you are in a place where you don't feel any stress or worry. I hope you are taking care of your mom and the rest of your family right now. I hope that when their wounds start to heal you can take care of me... Like you always did before. I can wait, they need you more.

Please don't forget about me. I will never forget about you. I will never forget about our memories together or our plans for the future. I will never forget that you were the first person I actually enjoyed hugging. How you always just forced it upon me and didn't care if I resisted at first. You knew I would relax into your thin frame. 

I need you to come back. I need this to be a nightmare. I can't handle this reality. 

I miss you Sydney. Come home. 

Love you with all my heart,

Megan