Mental Illness

Hello all you wonderful people who read this blog. I made a post about friendship a few days ago but I see now it deleted it's self from my blog. I didn't mean to go so long without putting a new post up, I legit thought I had something for ya'll to read. I know how many people rely on my blog posts so I'm so sorry to all 2 of you who are saddened by this misfortune. Anywhoooo, I mentioned I was diagnosed with a few mental disorders in some of my first posts and I decided to talk about them today. I have had a couple people contact me asking what they are like to live with so I will do my best to explain on here. 

I was diagnosed in 2012 with a list of things that make me a bit abnormal. Depression, Obsessive Anxiety Disorder, OCD, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Anorexia all made the list. OCD and Obessive Anxiety Disorder are very similar, the reason I got diagnosed with both was because my therapist was awesome I guess? I actually don't know. She told me that OCD has many symptoms and I had the type where it is more mental less physical. What I mean by that is I don't go around carrying three sets of anything and cleaning my room a million times a day. I am constantly planning my day out... Like down to the god damn minute. Before I fall asleep at night I make a mental list of everything that needs to get done and how long each activity will take then I put it in an order that makes it the least time consuming. Because I spend so much time obsessing over how my day is going to look when someone comes along and adds another big chore I get angry. I hardly show my emotions but I feel the rage. OAD on the other hand has less to do with my mental planning and more to do with what happens when the mental planning doesn't go how I planed. So basically the rage after things don't work out. I get thrown off my game and I have a mini panic attack when things do go according to plan. That does NOT mean that I am the type of person that is no fun to hang out with. Because I am freaken awesome. If I don't have a plan, I don't need to follow one. It's once the plan is made I need to follow it or else I feel exposed. 

Okay now to the fun ones. Anorexia. Pretty sure everyone knows what that is. Also pretty sure no one would expect me to ever have it. I love food and food loves me but stressful situations can make anyone crazy. In grade 12 (2011-2012) I was having trouble with Alex (The BF) and a girl (a few girls actually) who liked him. I am painfully insecure so feeling threated by these other girls kinda made me a bit nutty and I became obsessed with my weight. I would weigh myself upwards of 20 times a day. If I was under my goal weight I would eat a light snack like a cracker or an apple. If I wasn't, I wouldn't eat. I never got to the point where I was noticeably too thin. Partly because I dressed so no one could really tell and party because Alex noticed and stepped in to help. I still struggle with my weight to this day but I have better tools to help me (thanks to my killer therapist who was telling me I was pretty every time I saw her.... I should go back.) I lost about 25 pounds thanks to this amazing diet process (JK, obviously) bringing my weight really close to only double digits. Now I am the fattest I have ever been, I eat Pringles and icecream in the daily and I hardly weigh myself. Partly because I know I won't like what I see and partly because I don't care. I would love to tone up more but the numbers aren't as important to me, and they shouldn't be to anyone. No one else cares what you weigh so why should you? If you have friends that truly love you for who you are a number on the scale will never decide the date if your friendship. So my message to anyone who is struggling with this is to just chill the 'f' out and eat a pizza. 

Schizoaffective Disorder. Not a well known mental disorder but very similar to schizophrenia. Basically it means that when I get stressed out I have schizofrenic symptoms but they aren't all the time so I don't have to be on daily meds. Being diagnosed with this mental illness was hardest for me to accept. It's the one that made me feel like a true basket case. Although, because I have had the same 'voices' in my head my entire life it was the easiest one to deal with. I don't have to change anything, just be aware it happens and seek help if it ever gets too out of control. 

 

Depression has so many different symptoms that pretty much no one has the exact same ones. I find that with mine I feel a heaviness to my body the majority of the day. It takes really, really exciting things to truly awaken me and help me not feel sad. One of the characteristics of my depression that isn't as common as most diagnoses is I am always happy on the outside. I am generally very giggly and appear "high off life." On the inside I feel the opposite though. That's the tough part about mental illnesses, none are exactly the same so proper diagnosis is really hard.

The hardest part of living with these types of disorders is a lack of understanding by my friends and family. Sometimes a bad day comes for no particular reason and I just have to deal with the illness that day. I am also no longer on any medication. Part of me felt that it was making me worse, making me believe I should be in a straight jacket. Just because I am no longer on any meds doesn't mean I am cured; I am just choosing to live with my diese. Little things always have, and probably always will set me off but I have always prided myself in keeping my emotions in check. 

Starting this personal blog was a big step for me. I have never been open about anything and this is giving me an oppertunity to open up to those who want to read it. It's a safe way for me to slowing work on bettering myself. I can let my close friends and family and even complete strangers into a small part if my head... Which is something I have never done before. 

I appreciate all your kind words regarding this blog, the recent passing of my friend, or just random inspirational words. 

Much Love,

Megan