New Year, Same Old Me

Where do I even begin...

2014 was a tough year. And unbelievably tough year. My entire life got flipped upside down, shaken out, and stomped on. 

I was forced to deal with a lot if issues that had been simmering for some time and deal with new, unexpected circumstances that I never thought I would have to face. I can hardly believe I am here to write this. Thinking back to almost nine months ago I shiver... Thinking back to eight months ago I get scared. I think about how I was so close to taking my own life because another beautiful soul was ripped off of this earth the same time her tires left the pavement. I think back on the days spent in a numb haze, the nights in puddles of tears and I can't even believe I was ever in such a place. It seems like a different person then I am now... It is a different person then I am now. 

Despite those tantalizing thoughts I had racing through my brain I managed to (somehow) decide to live. Really live. I started running, writing and going on long walks with good looking guy. Life was somehow finding a way to get back on track. Thinking back, I don't know exactly how I managed to do it, I can't believe I was so strong honesty. The place I was spending all of my time was dark, gloomy and had a glue-like substance that managed to keep me stuck in that horrible place

I literally ran out of it. Running saved my mind. I hate the fact I can't run right now, it kills me every single day. It makes me feel like the good part of my brain is slipping away at the same speed the bad part is sneaking in. It makes me feel like I'm losing a part of myself I fought so hard to find this summer. 

I wrote my way out of it. I started this blog and it has changed my life. It has started new friendships, strengthened old ones and opened up doors for people to share stories that I feel so honoured to have heard. Bleeding all over this page has allowed me to not only start to heal over the loss of my best friend but also teach me lessons that I didn't even know I needed to learn. I write all of these posts without any direction, without any editing (in fact, I write them, post them, then read them a few hours later... That's why there are so many grammar errors.) and when I finally get around to reading them I can hardly believe the stuff I have shared. I am typically a very closed off person but writing behind my computer or phone allows me to open up while still feeling safe. So, not only do I surprise myself with all of the personal obstacles I put on here, but also the judiciousness that somehow comes out of my finger tips.  

2014 is a year that I will never forget. It's a year that broke me into a million different pieces that I had the fight to stick back together again. You can still see the cracks and glue marks that are keeping my in place but I am alive and right where I want to be. I don't need 2015 to be bigger and better then any year, I just need to remember everything I have worked so hard to learn and accomplish in 2014 and I know I will figure it out. If I can make it though this past year, I will make it through any. We all will. 

So, from the bottom of my heart......

Much (much, much, much) Love,

Megan

 

LOVE LIFE AND EVERYONE DAY

On days like today we remember. We remember her laugh, the way her hair smelt, the sound her voice made when she said "Fonzy!!" 

We just remember things more vividly. 

This scares me. It makes me wonder why I ever forgot about the time we cut through the crowds in Chinook Mall with our 'bitch face' on, arms linked, so people would move. Or when I read through our texts last night I realized I forgot about all of her drunk texts. I forgot just how much she said we were twins.

I doubt our friendship some days. I wonder if I meant as much to her as she means to me. I sit there and confuse my thoughts with memories... I find it hard to decipher the truth. I worry that my perception of our friendship was different then hers. I am grieving the loss of a sister. To me she was exactly that. I just hope her feelings reciprocated mine. 

I'll never know for sure though. I'm never going to know what she told other people about me or what she thought of me. I want to ask her. I want her to validate our friendship because some days I forget. Today, I forget. 

But, today is "Love Life and Everyone" day so I must not dwell on these made up idea's in my head. I must be thankful for the people I love that are still here, because, they are the ones that have helped me though my story. 

Do you know who I am thankful for? Her mother, Tami. 

Tami has shown me how to properly grieve, how to remain strong even through the worst of times, how to accept the beauty in every soul, and how to make peace with this tragity.

People say Syd had an old soul with eyes full of wisdom. People say the same to me. I say, she got that old soul and beautiful eyes from her mother. Being around Tami makes me feel like I am with Syd. Their mannerisms, their thin frames, their humor... It's all the same. I can say Tami is one of my sisters, I see her soul just like I see Syd's.

I see strength in Tami and I know that is were Syd got it. People like Sydney don't just happen. She was born with an amazing set of characteristics, but her mother truly shaped her into my best friend.

I could go on and on about all the amazing things Tami had accomplished, all that she has overcome but we all know this is her Everest. Tami is tackling this uphill battle of loss with grace, poise, strength, determination... And a little wine. Not only is Tami being a wonderful exaple for people all over the world she is being a wonderful example to Edian. Showing her son that life can be bitter and beautiful all at the same time. 

I admire Tami. I want to grow into a person with her same outlook on life, her same values, her same respect for every individual. 

So, on days like today... On "LOVE LIFE AND EVERYONE" day, I think of Tami. I think of the gifts, lessons and adventures she has given me and I feel thankful. I feel loved. I feel that there is light within this hardship and I know the light is there because of Tam. 

She is somehow managing to heal and teach amazing lessons to anyone willing to listen.

So Tami, I thank you for giving the world a girl as amazing as Sydney, and for also teaching us all how to live without her. 

Much Love,

Megan

Warriors.

We are all warriors. We all have battle scars, eyes that give away our every thought, mannerisms that are learned from those we spend our time with. We all live and experience life. Those experiences are all different and we take different learnings away from them but the idea is basically the same.

We all experience death. We all grieve the loss of loved ones, we all feel the sadness and darkness that follows the passing and one day we will all face death ourselves. 

We experience life. We experience death. 

Christmas this year is different. Typically, Christmas is a time spent with those you are closest with. You laugh, joke, bring gifts... The mood is light. This year however, I can't help but feel sad. I miss her. I miss her more and more each day. Last year at this time we were skyping with Doug's (now Tami's) puppy, Annie. This year I only see her in my dreams or driving past a field my eyes play tricks on me and I see her galloping on top of a giant blank horse.

Death isn't a fun thing to face, but we all have to. The only way I have been able to survive this tragity is through the support of my close friends, the wisdom Tami shares, and the big goofy horse named Fonzy nickering at me when I walk up. I'm not even sure I am surviving. It seems this month has been nocking me to my knees more then in the past. I have amazing people in my life to give me a hand up when I need it. 

People who come out with me to the barn on a cold Christmas Day to make sure the horses are alive and have bellies full of treats. I have people who send me Facebook messages quickly saying "Love ya Meg" at times when I seem to need it most. I have a person who hugs me goodbye before he leaves for a big hockey tournament, who even he didn't know how much I needed that today. 

We all have our people.

We all lose our people. 

Losing our people feels like we are losing parts of ourselves. I have never lost a limb but I feel as though it is comparable. All of a sudden you find yourself without something, or someone, who has become part of your life. You use it, them, on a daily basis. When it/they are gone we must learn to walk again. Find our equilibrium again. We must find a was to survive, to fight on.

People don't have "baggage." We have scars. And they are beautifully unique. They seperate us from everyone else experiencing life. They give us character, they remind us of our mistakes or our loved ones who are no longer here.  Our scars should be warn with pride, proof that we have fought in battle and healed. 

Life isn't always fun. Sometimes it pushes us to corners we never thought we would ever be in, and we must carry on. We don't choose our story, we just fill in the blanks. 

I still cry almost ever day over the loss of my best friend. I want to wake up from one of my bad nightmares and call her. Run up to her and hug her so big her wild brown hair gets in my face. I can't though. Instead, I wear this scar with pride. Knowing that even on the tough days ahead, I am still a warrior. We all are. 

Much Love,

Megan

Beautiful Strangers

I sit in a crowed Tim Hortons, sharing a table with two Arabic men who look to be in their mid seventies. They speak in a heavy Arab tongue and their english is poor at best. When I asked to share a table with them they both looked confused so I'm not even sure if they said yes. But still, they smiled back at me and offered me a napkin when my bagel made my hands dirty. These men have seen death I thought. Their leathery, wrinkled face tells a story that only they know.

They could be brothers. They share the same smiling eyes… smiling eyes that have a pain behind them. It's easy to see that these men are wise, that they have a story to tell me if only we shared the same language. It's a pity that these strangers and I will never have more then a quick hello and goodbye when I find myself so intrigued by them. Maybe the 6th of every month makes me a little more curious about how others live. I want to know their experience with death and how they cope, how they live on, and how they remember. It's beautiful that the three of us can sit together without saying a word and  still be so peaceful. 

The one with the wrinkles around his face that would form a smile even if he was mad pointed at my computer, smiling, while the one with more pain behind his eyes shook his head in embarrassment. I said I was writing. They both smiled and nodded their heads but I could tell they had no idea what the words I spoke meant. Amazing. I find myself gifted with this opportunity. No, this specific moment in time will not alter my life in a drastic way. But, I can't help being amazed by the fact that all the people in this world all have a story filled with love, hate and death. Yet throughout the adventure we can be so kind to complete strangers. It makes me wonder why families and friends ever fight. Why would I ever want to push someone away who knows part of my story. Why would I ever want to distance myself from a human who has their own story. Because I don't understand it? That's the only reason I can think of. 

How rude are we all for that. Getting so lost in our own lives and ignorantly ignoring the fact that we are all fighting in the same battle. We are trying to postpone our own death, heal from others passing, find love, appreciate the love we do have or planning for a future that isn't guaranteed.

I think about the plans Sydney and I had for this year. She was planning on living in Saskatoon with her horse while her mom and brother went travelling. We were going to go to Australia, Fiji and New Zealand together in January and enjoy the ocean and sandy beaches. Now I find myself taking care of her beautiful horse and longing to hear her voice again. Nothing is certain. No plan is guaranteed. 

The men who shared their table with me have experienced the loss of a plan due to the loss of a person. So has the mother struggling to control her three daughters, all with different animal toques on. Or the man with sad eyes and grey hair eating his soup all alone. We all have in one way or another. Except those crazy girls who are now fighting because one of them wants the pink hat. Children are so innocent. They have yet to be scathed by the tragedy life can bring. Maybe that's why I have been finding myself longing for a family of my own. Being able to teach someone who is so impressionable all of my experiences with life and death. Giving them their own experiences to create their own understanding of it all. Laughing when the colour of a hat is the end of their world because if that is their biggest worry, their mother is doing a wonderful job of allowing them to be kids. 

We all have a story. I often find myself lost in mine. Wondering how I got here or where I am going. I find myself lucky to have amazing people surrounding me and devastated missing those who are no longer here. I must be venerable though, I must be real. It is impossible for me to be anything different now. It would be easier to light a rock on fire with my bare hands then to change the way I am now. Which I am okay with. My life is not where I planned it to be but I am here, I am working hard, I am being authentic and I wearing my scars with pride because I have worked to over come my fears, my self doubts and my saddens. We all have. 

I didn't have any intention or direction with this post, I never do, I just let my fingers run away on me. I want to leave everyone with one last thought…

Be kind. Be authentic. Be venerable. Allow yourself to get hurt and feel pain. Allow yourself to feel every emotion life brings you way because you never know what your last emotion will be or what the last thought inside your head will be. Experience it all. Share it all. Listen to others stories because you will never learn more by listening to the sound your own voice. Share a table with random people because even if you don't share a conversation, you might find yourself thinking about something you never have before… and that is how you grow.

Much Love,

Megan

Unconditional Love?

What the heck is that even? Unconditional love I mean. Is it possible to fully, unconditionally love someone? something? Let's break this down a little more.

Unconditional. Without a doubt, unrestricted, full, genuine, unlimited, flat out, through going, unquestionable, clear, certian. Hold your ponies people, those are some serious words I just threw out. I mean come on.

Love. No synonyms come to mind.

When we combine these two very strong minded words, we get a very intense reaction. We get perfection. Is perfection even possible though? Doesn't seem like it… not in my life anyways. I strive for perfection every day and I have yet to actually achieve it. So maybe this means that unconditional love isn't plausible. I hope it isn't.

I don't want unconditional love. I would abuse it. We all would so stop those snarky comments in your head right now. I want messy. I want the type of love that's universal. I want crazy love. Messy love. Passionate love. Angry love. Sad love. Whole love. I want the type of love where you freak out and worry about the stupidest things, when your partner does the same. I want the type of love that makes you turn into a crazy person. The type of love that makes you question everything you are, who you want to be. Fill me with love that has no rules, no guidelines. Break all the rules in the book for me. Say you love me after three weeks because you know you feel it and don't give a crap if the allotted time is four months. Tell me I'm pretty with no make up and in a baggy sweater. Come visit my friends cross with me and let me cry on your shoulder. Wake up with me at three in the morning then drive home, just so we can fake a sleep over. Let me freak out and worry about the made up situations in my head then remind me, politely, that i'm just going mental. Cover me with love so strong, so flawed, so unique, so honest, so rich that I don't need it from anyone else.

I don't need some fancy adjective to go in front of my kind of love. I just need love. That word can stand tall all on its own. So give me that. I need love that is unexampled. Completely and utterly our own. That's all I  need. I don't need unconditional, I need ours. I need our flawed and fabulous love. Perfect love, naw. Just show up in any mood, with all the baggage from the day, all the tiredness, or all the bad news. Honestly, I just need you in any form and I will feel and give out love.

That's how you love. That's how to overflow with joy every morning  and every night. There is no "How To Love For Dummies" book or a rule book you receive when you turn 16. You just make mistakes, you stumble and you break and someone comes along and puts your pieces back together. Or maybe you fix your own pieces and someone sends a "wife me" message out of the blue that is going to turn into a reality one day. Whatever it is, love is love. So embrace yourself, love yourself. Love everyone that comes into your life. Get hurt. Break. Learn. There is no other way, there is no right or wrong way so just love naturally, genuinely, and you'll find it. You'll find your *insert you perfect adjective here* love, and then it won't matter if it's unconditional, or perfect, it will just be your own. And let me tell you this, it will be exactly like those cheese love stories you pretend to hate.

Much Love,

Megan

Being Human

It's beautiful isn't it? It's the only thing that we can choose exactly what we share with people, what we think, dream, wish or ponder about. It's the only thing on this entire plant that doesn't have a limit... Except for those bendy lines on graphs that I was supposed to learn about in highschool math but didn't seem to stick.

It's the only thing where we have complete privacy, complete control and complete freedom all at once. Our minds give us an emance amount of power and most of us don't even realize it. Or maybe we forget. We forget that we're allowed to think about whatever we desire with no judgment from others. We can dream about our most far fetched aspirations. We can slip away from reality and get lost in our own little world. Magical.

Sometimes I find myself being so negative… thinking about negative situations or feelings and then letting my mind spiral out of control. Why would I allow myself to do this? I could choose to think about all the wonderful things life has to bring me or dream away all the negativity we all find ourselves surrounded by. Instead I can't seem to shake my thoughts some days. Which is so silly considering I am the only one who dictates what goes on under all my blond hair. It frustrates me when I feel I am trying so hard to be positive yet, when I am the only one responsible for my own thoughts, I am failing some days.

We all have an infinite amount of things to think about in our lifetime. We can seriously think about anything… anything that has ever been or ever will be. We have no reason to be bored when we have such an amazing gift. Our imaginations are more colourful then any computer, TV, or cell phone. All three of those things are just objects that someone spent one single thought on to create. Think of how many more cool creations the world would have if we all spent just an hour a day thinking about something new and exciting instead of numbingly scrolling through our news feeds like a bunch of mindless robots programmed to sift through piles of unimportant crap. Think about how happier people would be if they spent a little more time lost in their own world filled with whatever they desire rather then seeing Kim Kardashian's oiled up, photoshopped butt all over the place. I know I'm getting a little sick of comparing my flat, half white girl half native butt to hers.

I'm ready to get lost in my own little world filled with unicorns and peanut butter fountains… even more then that though… I'm ready to start talking to people who spend time alone, they are the happy people with new perspectives of life. They are the people who have something new to share. They are the people I want to be more alike… They are the people who truly rich because nothing has a higher price tag then a well mind.

Much Love

Megan

Our Word.

Words. We are all a word. Our word can be passion, strength, courage, determination. Or maybe your word is brat, alcoholic, spoiled... Asshole. We all have a word. Finding that word, or finding a word we want to become, finding a word that's exactly who we are is tough. What's even harder then finding a word though is knowing our word, and not being proud of it. Despising who we are at the very core, that's a tragedy.

I don't know what my word is right now. I'm a girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend, rider, writer, runner (when my knees don't suck), employee, co-worker, teacher, listener, talker, rap lover, amazing dancer (liar), the point is, I'm a lot of things. None of these things are my word though. I strive for my word to be quaintrelle… "A women who emphasizes a life of passion expressed through personal style, leisurely past times, charm, and cultivation of lives pleasures." Or meraki "to do something with soul, creativity, or love; to put something of yourself into your work." I strive for these words but right now I am not these words. I hope that one day my word will be one of these ones. Right now my word is tenacious "holding together; cohesive; not easily pulled asunder; tough."

I give myself this word because I don't break easily. Do I get rattled easily? Yeah, 100%. But break? Not me. It takes a lot to truly break me… thinking back on it I have only been broken twice. Both times were at the loss of someone close to me. It's okay to break though… we will all break a few times in our life so we must learn to break and then rebuild. Then break and rebuild again, and again, and again. That's life. It's not fair but it is what it is. Every breath we suck in is a gift and every time we break we are gifted with the opportunity to rebuild. To start fresh.

We all share that word, gift. Every life is a beautiful gift that we must appreciate. We must learn to love everyone for everything that they are because there is no person exactly like them, no two people share the exact same words. We cannot lose someone and then replace them with other. Just the same, we cannot find two people who's words perfectly balance out our words.

I like that. I like that I am irreplaceable in that sense.

Much Love,

Megan

Lost.

I find my self lost. Lost in the mind numbing day to day activities. Lost in the desire for a fuller bank account. Lost in the deep need for dark coffee of which I cannot have. Lost in the emotions that the sixth of every month brings… overwhelmed by the tragedy that took place seven months ago.

I like to get lost though… I'm actually quite good at it. I get lost in my wild, unruly thoughts, on my rides on my two beautiful horses, with my boyfriend and best friend who is still here. I get lost in the things I love. The fact that I feel like I am in the middle of a dark room with no glimmer of light today makes me feel lost… lost for a love I once shared with my best friend. It's good to be lost… when we lose ourselves we have no choice but to find ourselves again. What an adventure that is.

How lucky are we all that each and every day we wake up we have the option to decide who we are going to be that day. We can choose our emotions, our feelings, our behaviours. Even more then that, we decide how we are going to make others feel around us. That's a gift we all overlook. Lots of times it's a gift that we chose to not give out. Why wouldn't you smile at the person who opened the door for you? Or why wouldn't you let that person in on your drive home from work? Will one car in front of you make all the difference to whether you get home late or not? Doubt it. Yet, we get lost in the aggression and stress of the day. We take our own personal problems out on innocent people who have no control over the fact that your family is making you feel bad that day or that work didn't go as you had planned it to when you woke up that morning. We are in control.

We all have these beautiful bodies with warm blood pulsing through it like the beat of our favourite songs… but still… we forget. We forget that we all have an end date. No one on this entire planet knows when our time is up. Maybe my car will burst into flames on my way to Brodie's house tonight… Which is so possible because I drive a Kia. Or maybe my brothers team bus will crash this winter. Maybe the entire earth will come crashing down tonight at midnight. We don't really know the outcome of anything. Obviously the best thing to do in that situation is to ignore it and get lost in mundane activities and take our stress out on others instead of dealing with it.

I deal with it.

I knew the moment I woke up that today would be tough for me. So I spent a little extra time with my boys and a little less time at home where I knew I would over think. Then I started to write. I deal with my emotions in a very taxing way, but I would take that over ignoring them like I used to any day. I sit and I think. I don't control my thoughts or me feelings. I let them come and I accept them for what they are. It's not fun. I don't enjoy it. I know if I don't do it my mind will go back to a dark place though so I do it. I do what I have to in order to stay pure, to maintain a rich mind. I do it because I know what will happen if I don't. I get lost in myself and find myself every day. I give myself the greatest gift of all every morning, I allow myself to start new. I don't have to think the same things I did as the previous day or do the same things. I pick out my emotions for the day when I pick out my clothes.

Lost. The most beautiful, tragic word. To be lost in love, to be lost without love.

Lost love is a tragedy. To be lost and in love… that's the greatest feeling of all.

I lost Sydney. The world lost Sydney. She was one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. She was everything I have ever needed in a friend, in a "Soul Sista." I am trying to accept that what I have to learn from this will outweigh the pain. I know this is not true. But on a day like today I choose to believe my little lie to myself. I am protecting myself from the pain that today brings. I decided that today will be an amazing day even if she still isn't here. I am choosing to believe, just for the day, that Sydney will come back from her painfully long vacation because I need that false sense of hope today. I need a little nightlight off in the corner of my dark room.

Much Love,

Megan

Stress

Stress. I am filled with that today.

I am stressed about money… or more my lack of. 80% of my next paycheque is going to go towards Fonzy's board and the rest is going to pay off my visa. Which means I will have about 20 bucks to last me three weeks (until my next, next paycheque.) I want to scream just thinking about that… or cry. Maybe I'll do both. Or maybe I'll stay quiet like I always do and just silently suffer. 

Don't we all do that though? Suffer in silence?

I've gotten really good at that… I've had a lot of time to practice. How selfish would I be if I thought I was the only one though? This Starbucks is packed with people and I would bet every single one of them are stressed about something. Double or nothing says that every single one of these people are stressed about money just like me. That's not a totally fair bet though because I can see that everyone (but me) is a student. My point, everyone wants more money. It doesn't matter how much you have, it never seems to be enough. What kind of world are we making? I'll tell you, a shitty one. 

I was so close to throwing away my happiness and becoming a dentist just to make lots of money, right now I'm thinking maybe I should have done that. Money stress is the worst kind of stress. But then I think that I would be even more poor right now and the having two horses thing would for sure not be happening. 

I'm feeling down because I still live at home and I have so many expenses it seems, and it's obviously only going to get worse. So that's my money stress. 

Then I have Max stress. He has been a complete moose recently. I have hardly seen any improvement and my coach and I are almost out of ideas… unless she has a plan she is keeping from me anyways. I know I need to sell him at the end of this summer because I can't afford two and Fonzy is a forever horse. So there is an added pressure to get him going better. Selling him would also relive some of my financial stress but getting him to the salable point isn't looking too good right now. Latched onto this stressor is my job. I can't show him all summer (which I need to do in order to sell him) and work all summer. So my only plausible option is to quit my job this summer to show which means (you guessed it) more financial stress due to no income and pricey show fees. Plus, quitting my job which I worked so hard to get isn't something logical for me to do. 

I feel stuck… just like Max has been recently. I have played out so many different options in my head and none of them have everything work out how it needs to be. I can't seem to just ride the wave on this one… It's just too much that is going to blow up in my face. I am so bitter thinking about it all. I hate that I am never home, my billet has fully replaced me, and I am tired all of the time. I'm stressed all of the time and I feel fat all of the time. 

I know I should be thankful, I have a fully working body, no life threatening diseases, a family that loves me, an amazing boyfriend and I am lucky enough to have two gorgeous horses. But today, I'm down… really far down into a dark hole so I needed to complain somewhere… so I choose here because it's the only place where no one will yell at me for bitching even though I have a lot. 

I don't care that I have lots to be thankful for… I have lots to stress me out too. So I'm gosh darn allowed to be fricken stressed and edgy because of this.  

Much Love,

Megan

Snapchat

Love.

Hate.

Two complete opposites. Two words that bring up opposite emotions, opposite people, opposite thoughts, opposite memories. These words are completely, one hundred and ten percent unrelated but yet they somehow can be entwined in certain parts of our lives. We all love sunrises, but we hate getting up early. We love summer days but hate mosquitoes. We love to be independent, we hate to feel alone.

Love.

Hate.

Welded antonyms.

Life teaches us balance. Life will rip you apart, it will rupture your very soul, life will end. It will end in such a tragedy that everyone close to the life that once was, but no longer is, will be left standing on the side of the road wondering how the last breath felt. How the last laugh sounded. How the last feeling felt. It will leave loved ones who are still being pulsed with warm blood crying in a Starbucks at the thought of what it must of felt like to have everything go dark. To no longer… to no longer be anything but a beautiful soul.

Then life will bring you a picture of a guy with spiky hair and the caption "wife me" and you will look back on that first Snapchat through a friends phone and think… yeah I will do that one day. Life will gift you with beautiful souls, who's voices you can still hear, and you will have to sit back and think. Not just about the cute fall boots you saw at the mall the other day, you will have to really, really think. You'll have to cry. Then laugh. Then be more confused then ever.

Because life does that. It gives you love and gives you hate.

Whether the caption is "I dunno, duggghh, and lol" or "wife me." Whether it's death by selfie or love by selfie, life will teach you to love… even after all the hate. I hated life aftar the "I dunno, duuggghh, and lol."I was so prepared to end my life. To stop everything. I craved the darkness because it seemed so much better then the painful light that was now cutting through everything I was. The brightness was  probing at my soul. Every lesson comes with a brightness, a new understanding. I was just taught death… death by selfie… and I was going to jump head first into the darkness because I didn't ask for this lesson, I didn't want it, and I wasn't going to face it. I was going to end it.

Then three months to the day later, I was taught love. Another lesson I didn't ask for… another lesson that was changing everything I thought I was. I was given brightness that wasn't piercing my soul but rather stuffing all those previous shatters and filing me with light that isn't too much to handle… it's just the right amount. It's the type of feeling you only get to experience with one person in your lifetime.

The timing was all wrong, yet perfect at the same time. It moved to quickly, yet perfectly. It was unexpected, and surprising, and everything that I had never wanted. I didn't know what I wanted… what I needed… but life taught me. It taught me to love, even after all the hate.

Life will force you to think further then your university class or job training. Life will push you all over the place in a wild, balloon in the wind manner and it will teach you things you didn't even know you needed to learn. Life has made me think these last six months. It has made me a fighter… something I didn't know it was. Life has broken me in ways that even my worst nightmares couldn't come up with but it has also brought me experiences that somehow help me find the gifts in death.

Every death brings gifts and lessons. I am learning my lessons and experiencing my gifts. These gifts and lessons don't preponderate the pain from the death but somehow they make it bearable…What used to be an insufferable amount of brightness is now a sunset at dusk.

Balance isn't always good, and it isn't always bad… it just is. Just like all of us.

We just are. Balance just is.

Much Love,

Megan

Soul Sista

I lay calmly in bed, with Roscoe curled up in the crease of my knees, and think back on so many memories I have with Sydney. She is my best friend and I am so thankful I got to share part of my life with her. 

I anticipated great sadness today. I was preparing to be swolled whole by the darkness but that didn't happen. Instead I found myself peacful. The first time I have felt this way on the 6th of any month since her passing. Six months have gone by and I only cried twice... A lot less then expected. Her presence was strongly with me today... Helping me feel peace, not acceptance, but a little peace. 

You see, Sydney knew every little detail about my life and I knew everything about hers. She was my "Soul Sista." I can't help but feel that more has happened to me these last six months then in my previous 20 years before hand. I talk out loud to her like a crazy person and tell her about my days, about my struggles and success. Maybe that makes me a tad mental, actually I know it does. It's hard for me to even write that out knowing so many people will read it but I have to. I have to say things in this posting that may get my checked into a psych ward because this is my therapy, writing is slowly healing me. 

Sitting on the warm, charcoal coloured rocks in Cinque de Terre giggling at the tanned Itialian boys while eating pesto pizza and sipping lemon iced tea watching the sun go down. Our bodies feeling drained from so much sun exposure earlier on in the day. Tanning from nine in the morning till seven in the evening on these large rocks in the blistering Itialian heat will overdose you on sun. Perfect. That's exactly what Sydney and I were going for. We basked in sun while laying on our stomachs and nervously untyied our bikini tops to get rid of the tan lines on our backs. Giggling at ourselves for feeling so dangerous, meanwhile, the surrounding people were all completely topless. We saw so many variations of breasts on that trip... I don't think anything could shock me at this point. We grew up in Europe. We became "Soul Sista's" in Europe. 

The previous summer I spent a little over a month on the Ellis ranch with Syd. The first time I had ever had a sleep over with her and we decided to have about 60 or so in a row. A month at her place, then trailered her horses to my place for a month. We spent that whole summer together. Our friendship formed quickly. I guess when people say "when you know, you know" it can also apply to friendship. We knew. We knew how perfect we were for each other. How scary it was how our life events perfectly matched up. How we liked the same food, the same shows, music, horses, everything. We are twins who share no common physical features but have the exact internal characteristics. Soul Sista's. 

Spending two summers in a row with Sydney brought us closer then ever before. We love each other. 

Spain showed us luxury. We strutted around our spacious house in teeny tiny bikini's and floppy hats with no tops to them (we couldn't figure out why someone would make a hat with only a brim.) Taking casual dips in the pool, picking fresh oranges off of the surrounding trees, eating 6 chocolate croissants a day (minimum), putting on dresses after supper to walk around the village and wave at cars full of Spanish boys heading to the city to party. We were high class... Or so we thought anyways. I mean, who wouldn't think they were literally 'The Shit' when you had a beautiful home and every boy or man who passed by commenting on your beauty. Hello Spain, we're never leaving. 

But then Itialy came along and changed our lives. We fell in love with gelato, pizza, and the much more forward boys. We were two young girls who were constantly hearing "Ciao Bella" as background lyrics to our giggles or heavy conversations. We were falling in love with the heat, the food, and each other. We gave ourselves the name "Soul Sista's" over a shared pizza on those special rocks.  

We missed our horses though. We were both dying to get back in the saddle. Oh we joked about shipping them to Itialy and never going back to Canada again. We researched which airlines would be best as if our dream was actually plausible. I grin thinking back on our wild idea's. On watching the full series (yes I said series) of One Tree Hill in a little over 60 days. On eating three boxes of freezies, Costco size, in the same amount of time. I throw out a big toothy smile thinking about how close we are. I'm fortunate for that. 

I'm fortunate I can still feel her around me, or see her sitting on her horses back. I'm fortunate I can feel her long, thin arms hugging me from behind my shoulders when I need comfort, when I need a sign I'm with exactly who I need to be with. She can't give me verbal advice but I know she is guiding me in the right direction. All of these things are a lot to take in, especially from someone who isn't religious in any way. However, feeling Syd on my back ever since my first visit back to the ranch after her passing has made me spiritual. How could it not? My "Soul Sista" is legitimately my Soul Sister now.  

Maybe it's the lack of sleep or emotional exhaustion from today that pushed me to share all that. Maybe I'll regret it after I get an hour of sleep. Either way, I'm lucky that even after my "Soul Sista" is physically gone, she is still right here. She's still got my back... Kinda literally. 

Much Love,

Megan

Jealousy

"Jealousy only eats up your beauty. Have more faith in yourself, you've got something that other people don't."

This quote rolls off of my tongue nicely but actually living by these words is hard for me. I never used to be this way but recently I find myself getting a jealous feeling over the silliest of things. And I don't like it. I'm not used to that sick feeling in my stomach or losing sleep over a stupid matter... But here I am. Wide awake at four in the morning because I'm letting my jealously control my thoughts. Perfect Megan. You're killing it. 

You see, I have been comparing myself to so many girls recently and it sucks. Sure, I did it in the past too but these last few weeks have been out of control. I see a girl with a nicer body then me on my Instagram (I follow tons of fitness accounts so this happens lots) and it kinda ruins my mood for a couple min. Yeah, I get over it pretty quick but still.. It's not fun.

This whole feeling has slowly been making me crazy and I guess tonight was my breaking point. I am laying here being incredibly hard on myself and nothing I try to think seems to be able to shake my negitive thoughts. This is totally one of my mental disorders coming out but I just can't seem to grab a hold of it this past week. Typically I am very much in control of my mind... I have to be in order to remain mentally healthy, but right now I am without a doubt losing my shit. 

The thing that really bothers me about this whole situation right now (besides losing sleep and feeling crazy) is the fact that I can pin point exactly why it's happening but I just can't seem to actually change it. Like what the 'freaken bats' is that about?! 

Why can't I just be like "yeah okay brain, you're chemically unbalanced, I get it. Now stop it and be happy."

Uhhh I feel like I can't even write well today because I am completely consumed by these horrible thoughts that most likely are completely made up situations in my head... I am (legit) basic white girl-ing right meow. Making up situations then worrying about those situations as if they were real situations... Still following? 

If you didn't understand that it probably means you're normal, so congrats my friend you get a cookie. As for those who were able to follow that, yay you made the team. We have matching jerseys, weekly meetings to obsess over our wildly inaccurate worries, a cool texting group, and pictures of jacked girls to make your problems worse. Sign up is free. 

There is zero positive ending to this post. No motivational quote or small success. I'm still laying here going nuts, just thought I would give writing a try, it didn't seem to help much. I'm be hitting the gym in an hour so hopfully that helps me get my head back on straight. 

Much Love Crazies,

Megan

Fighting For Air Crying

Maybe it's the sun rising in the morning, the smell of coffee brewing or the rhythmic pounding of a horses hooves under me. 

Maybe it's the crisp fall air, loud rap music or big comfy scarves. 

Maybe it's seeing my boyfriend's smile after a long day, sipping tea or sitting with my pooch. 

Whatever it is, I have happiness in my life. That doesn't mean I am happy all the time though. Today for example, I was sad. I was carrying yesterday's stress from work on my shoulders this morning still, I was missing my friend and I was pissed that Max has been such a brat this past month. I woke up and I kinda knew today was going to suck. And do you know what? It did. It was long and stressful and I messed up a lot at work after reading Tami's post on Facebook and I came home and I cried then I got in trouble for not being thankful for what I do have in life. Then I went and had a decent ride on the horse I'm breaking at the moment and realized something. I'm allowed to have bad days. I'm allowed to make mistakes at work and feel horrible about it. I'm allowed to cry over Sydney even though it's been six months. And god damn it I'm allowed to forget for a few hours how lucky I am because I am a  human being who makes mistakes and crys when I can't save a bird with a broken wing (something else to add to my day.) 

So I did just that. I cried. Hard. Completely uncontrollable, fighting for air, make up running down my face, curled up in a ball and feeling sorry for myself cry. The type of cry that you can only do completely alone in your room without even your dogs presence. Crying to the point of complete instanity. I did that. And I am proud of myself. I hate crying. No, I despise crying. It makes me feel weak and gross and out of control. So, if I ever feel so much pain I must cry it's just a few tears running down my cheeks. But oh boy not tonight. Tonight I didn't control a thing and, even though it is totally embarrassing, I feel better. I feel like I just cried away all my stress and sadness and I'll be good for a while now.

So the lessons I learned today were this:

I take things personally. When I make a mistake it completely ruins me. I don't think I will ever be able to fully change that but I'll start to work on it. 

I am going to be sad about Syd still. I'm going to have days that suck but I need to try and not let those sad moments affect the rest of my life. But, I am allowed to be sad. 

I can cry. I can completely lose my shit and cry until even I am wondering what I'm crying about. Then I can make a blog post about it for the world to see. 

I am strong. I can deal with almost any situation throw my way. 

I am also weak. I kick myself when I'm down. I do this lots. 

Most importantly, I learned that I am human. We all are. We are all going to cry and get upset and let it ruin our days. It's just going to happen. 

I'm embracing myself. Or trying my best to anyways. It's kinda hard because I truly don't like certain things about me but I'm working on my weaknesses. Which is something I can be proud of. 

Much Love,

Megan 

Sydney, Surviving, and Love

Frankly, some days suck. Some days I feel sad and upset at the world for taking my best friend from me. Some days I wake up crying, gather myself, put on my make up, smile and go to work just as bubbly as the day before. I go ride, see Brodie then go to sleep after shedding a few more tears. Not all days are like this, but some are. 

Today is a tough one. I couldn't help but take a few more trips to the bathroom at work today just to collect myself... I guess I needed a few pep talks to keep my smile on my face today. I woke up and couldn't help but cry at the fact that my best friend is no longer here all because of a text message. Why? Why did all of her beauty and honesty and humour and sass and just gosh darn perfection all have to come to such a tragic end? Some days it still doesn't seem real. Today felt like I just heard the news for the first time, the wounds are raw. I'm sure time will help me heal but right now, I can't help but feel like my heart is covered in paper cuts and soaking in a salt bath. I'm hurting. I'm longing for Syd. I'm broken. 

But thankfully, that is just today. Tomorrow will be better, easier... I'll be stronger. It's what I do. I break down and rebuild, becoming mentally stronger then ever before. Some of those breaks are tougher to recover from then others. Today's break was a big one. That doesn't mean that I won't wake up ready to take on the day tomorrow, it just means that tonight I need a hot shower and a stand up comedy to calm me down. 

I'll heal. I know I will. Days like today make me doubt that but I quickly remind myself the truth. I remind myself that so far I have survived. I have survived being sat on by a massive horse, I've survived some serious mental issues, I've become wise dealing with my family members many addiction issues, I've learned to be empathetic while also never straying from my values, I've been taught to never quit, never surrender, to just live the best we can... Honestly, passionately and authentically. I've survived quite well up to this point... I'll survive this challenge too. I'll learn the lesson this tragedy was supposed to teach me and I'll pass it on to my loved ones. 

Yet, I sit alone in the kitchen willing the tears to stop running down my cheeks. I beg for this to all be a dream. I wish for a chance to change the past. I know I must not torture myself with these unattainable thoughts but for some reason they are harder to manage today. 

Fortunately for me.... "Love doesn't rest, love doesn't move on. Love is alive when people ceased to live. Love is rich in laughter, tears, anger and heartbreak... LOVE JUST IS." My good friend said this. I choose right now, in the moment to live for those words. 

Love just is. Three words that are almost more special then "I Love You." Love is uncontrollable, love is colourful, love is ubiquitous, love is firey and calming all at once, love is unique between every two people that share it. Therefor, love is rare. However, we must remember the word I previously used to describe it... Ubiquitous.... Everywhere. Love is all these things. Love is everwhere we look, yet we will never see the same type of love twice, we will never feel or experience the same type of love twice. So we must cherish the moments we have with the ones we love. One day those moments will be memories. Love doesn't die, true love never ends, it lives on though our memories and shared experiences. Love teaches us to be humble. Love does too many things to fully list. One of the favorite things love does for me is remind me that some things are timeless. We all love. We all die. Our love never dies. Nothing else lives on forever like love does. I strive to give lots of love to those closest to me. I do this so when I pass, my love will live on. This is how we live forever, we love. 

Much Love, 

Megan

Unbreakable Love

Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is here on earth. We all have one don't we? I find myself pondering this subject more and more recently... Who knows why. Maybe it's because I have a burning need to travel and experience new places, something I haven't done in a while now. Maybe it's because I have a new outlook on my life, life in general actually, and it's pushing me to search for more. Either way, I'm positive that I will do more then I am right now. I'll inspire more people and I'll have a successful career, I'll balance my passion with a family and I'll be so blissfully happy. 

But the problem with all of these things is the fact that I don't know how I want to accomplish them, or even when I want to accomplish them for that matter. Without direction how do you work towards something? You don't. 

So right now in this moment I am look and searching for some direction or a sign of which way I should be headed. Unfortunatly for me, I get lost easily. 

Brodie found that out this weekend. Lol. Poor guy might as well be dating a duck, I can hardly tell which way is up and which is down. We had an amazing weekend despite my ability to get us lost at every possible point along the way. Our journey up was quite eventful. Before I got us completely turned out in the city we witness a rather scary moose/vehicle accident. I was pretty shaken up by this but as usual, managed to control my emotions and react as needed. We ending up spending about an hour with the victims before we were back on our way. Seeing this crash sent memories of April sixth flooding back, something I didn't need a reminder of as I was already starting to mentally prepare for visiting Syd's cross on the side of the road. But we don't get to choose the majority of our life events so I had to deal. I had to put on my big girl panties, call the cops and organize my thoughts. So I did just that and carried on with my life. Thinking back on it later, I realized that if that other car didn't hit the moose it would of been us. Good thing I didn't realize this until later or else I would of been a lot more shaken up at the time. By the time midnight rolled around I was curled up in bed with a clean face and freshly brushed teeth so I was thankful I wasn't spending my night in a hospital bed. 

Saturday morning Brodie, Tammy, Sommer and I went to watch Edian's football game. Although I only get the basic rules of this game I did greatly enjoy watching these young boys run around with oversized helmets trying to avoid the men who already hit puberty. 

Arriving back on the ranch Tammy suggested I show Brodie around a little. We went down to the hunting shack and then the beach. The large ranch felt so empty without Sydney there. Her wild hair and loud laugh always seemed to make the 5,000 acres seem so small. I see so much of her in Tami though. It's impossible not to feel close to Syd when I'm close to Tami... Makes me feel like I'm at home... At peace. When I look at Sommer, Syd's aunt, I can't help but admire her eyelashes and think back about how much I used to always wish I could steal Syd's from her. I see Sydndy everywhere on the ranch, which saddens me yet also brings me comfort. 

I can feel when I need to get out to the ranch, when I need my fix of the Ellis family. And I needed it bad. I need a shot of Tami's wisdoms and Edian's humour. I feel refreshed in a way I don't have the vocabulary to properly explain. 

I'm so thankful I got to spend another weekend in one of my favorite places on earth, with some of my favourite people. I'm thankful I have amazing friends and family and the perfect boyfriend to bring colour into my life. I'm thankful that I am (slowly) learning that there is a lesson in every tragedy... And even though the sadness of the tragedy may outweigh the  happiness of the lesson we must remember to be thankful for the lesson anyways. 

I've learned that we can not truly live until we have to face death, experice loss, and come out still swinging, still breathing and still smiling. Getting completely emerged by the darkness will do no good, we must wake up and remember the hurt, remember the lesson, remember just how much of a smoke show our Sydney was and pass on her wisdom, her attidude and her stories to everyone close to us. That's how she still lives, through all of our unbreakable love her her. 

Much Love,

Megan

Muddy Feet

I had the most amazing day last Sunday. Brodie and I went down to a few beaches but my favorite one was the one we brought Roscoe to. We had to walk down some really steep slops that were all muddy... We were struggling to stay on our feet so we decided to try going barefoot. It helped. 

Our feet experienced some pretty weird textures. My right foot was covered in mud up to my ankle while my left was in a swampy puddle with lots of twigs poking the bottom of it. Despite the milking cows phase and riding horses thing I am more of a girly girl. I'll get my hands dirty to get a job done, don't get me wrong, but if you ever see me outside of the barn I'll be in a dress with my long, blond hair blowing around in the wind. Not like Beyoncé's though... When my hair blows in the wind it's wraps around my neck in a wild mess and tries to choke me out. Anyways, the treck down to (what we hoped was a beach) was starting to make me wonder if this adventure was even worth it. We weren't even sure there would be a beach at the bottom, my feet were cold and muddy and to tpo it off I saw a snake. We carried on. 

Roscoe was running around enjoying every second of it. He kept the mood light as Brodie and I watched him running up and down the slopes covering his body in mud and playing fetch with himself. Roscoe finds twigs and flips them up in the air then runs and tries to catch them. It's pretty much the most adorably, goofy thing I have ever seen in my life. 

When we finally found the beach it was perfection. We spent a few hours playing fetch with Roscoe, walking in the sand and swimming in the freezing cold water... Which I wasn't too happy about at the time but now I'm so happy Brodie made me go in, the memories are even better now as I think back to my shivering body and purple feet. 

Even though the multiple beaches we tried before hand and the muddy slip and slide we had to take down to this last one ate up most of our day, the last beach was so perfectly secluded and peacful it made up for any bad moments previous. Which got me thinking... That's kinda how life is isn't it? We have some shitty moments, days, weeks, maybe even months but there is always that one experience right around the corner just waiting to bring a smile onto your face. That Sunday on the 7th of September made so many of my struggles these past few months kinda dissolve away. Saturday was a tough day for me as it had been 5 months since Sydney passed but that Sunday gave me a much needed reminder that I have people here who care about me and who I care about. Those people deserve my full happiness and attention... Well, as much as I can possible give them anyways. 

I've had my fair share of tough experiences this summer but I try my best to remain grateful. Those memories shaped me into who I am today, which is someone I am quite proud of. And if I ever get too down about sad memories I remember that they are only memories. They are in the past and cannot be changed, only accepted. 

From this very moment forward I have blank pages (for the most part.) I live a pretty scheduled life so I have the rest of my week already planned out. In no way does that mean my story is already written. Maybe this evening Max will be a bad horse for me and leave me in a grumpy mood... Or maybe if I'm lucky we'll get out first canter pirouette... We're so close!! You see, I forget that even though I have a schedule I don't actually have a story written, just an outline. 

Which is beautiful. 

Life is such a beautiful gift that we all forget in some moments. If you think about it, our bodies soul purpose is to keep us alive and healthy. If we cut ourselves, it makes a scab. If we are sick, it attacks the virus. If we need tougher skin in some area's, it make callouses for us. How amazing is that. We are gifted with a physical body that will do everything it can to keep us alive and healthy yet here we are complaining that our hair isn't thick enough or curly enough or whatever it is we think we need to change about ourselves. Stop it. It's pissing me off. 

So I guess if I attempt to tie all of this together right now I would have to leave you with this...

We have to get our feet muddy and hair messy. Not because we make the conscious decision to, maybe it's even completely out if our control. Never the less, those muddy moments, those slippery slopes shape us and (just like a callous) make us stronger one layer at a time. Then when we finally wake up and realized we needed those tough times and we fully accept those memories we will bring so much positivity into our lives and radiate it out to the ones we love. 

Much Love,

Megan 

 

Relationships

Relationship is a very general descriptive word. I have a relationship with my family members, my friends, my boyfriend, strangers I briefly meet, my animals. Pretty much every living thing I talk to (yeah I talk to me dogs and horses on the daily) can be classified as a relationship of some sort. 

The tricky thing about connections like this is defining them with the other person involed. Do the construction workers who were happy to see me in a tight summer dress the other day know our relationship won't go further then their stares? Definitely, because I quickened my pace and avoided any eye contact. That's an easy one to define though. What about when friendships start to build, relationships get more serious, or family members are seen in a new light? Well my friend, the area you are now entering with these relations is turning a deep charcoal grey very quickly. 

I think this is why so many people have a hard time showing their raw emotions; we are scared the other party involved won't see us in the same light. This is the only way in which relationships should be difficult or unclear. Many people say "relationships are hard." False. If they are you are in the wrong one, you're chilling with the wrong people and you need to get out of it ASAP, homie. 

Relationships of all forms have difficult moments. Times of stress for one person is now a time of stress for both. And it should be. When my best friend is stressed out, I'm stessed out. When my boyfriend is worried about something, I'm worried about the same thing. In no way does it ever mean that the relation with those two people are "hard." It means, in short, that I care about them and everything happening in their lives... It's easy for me to feel the same emotions as them because their lives are apart of my life. Did I ever use the word hard though? No. Maybe it's unclear for some people to differentiate between having a negitive emotion simply because the other person is feeling that way and having a negitive emotion because you don't want to be involved with that person anymore. The line can be a bit blurry but only if you choose to make it that way. 

I've been in a relationship where the line was blurry, and there is a reason I am not longer with that guy. Is he a horrible person who should rot in hell? Not at all. Did I need to end that chapter of my life and not look back? Definitely. Relations with people can be in a grey area but they don't have to be. Relationships don't have to be hard, you choose for them to be that way. I haven't been dating Brodie long but I know where he stands and where I stand with our relationship. I have been friends with Jordan for about four years now and I know she's my "soulmate bestie" and I'm hers. Those relationships aren't hard because I am clear and open with my feelings and they do the same in return. 

Connections can be tough. It's hard for us to decide how a person is going to fit into our life and on top of that we need to worry about whether or not they want to be in that spot we reserved for them. 

Connections should never be hard. They should have moments of stress or worry but those moments should never take away the shine of the overall relationship. 

So I guess to put all this rambling to an end... Be honest, be emotional, be upfront, be empathetic, and most importantly be yourself. Only then will you start to form relationships with people who truly matter and who feel the same way in return. 

Much Love,

Megan 

Our Destiny.

Our destiny. Something everyone is searching for. Whether that be what we are destined to do, who we are destined to be with, when we are destined to accomplish these things, how will we find the strength or the drive. How can we possibly find the time or the patience or the determination or the mental strength to push past all of our feared limitations that we set up in our minds? How can I, as one soul, one physical body, one mind be capable of such a powerful, important, unique destiny? 

We are bonded together by these questions, by these aspirations, yet driven apart by the same. We are all hoping or dreaming for more but few of us are searching for more. Few of us are looking for every oppertunity to succeed. Even fewer of us are creating our own oppertunities for success which is fine. I encourage you all to quit looking. To quit trying. To quit seeing failures as a chance for a new begining or to halt your dreams to put useless tasks higher up on your priorities list. I encourage every single one of my readers to quit. But I don't have to do or say any of that do I? Simply because you already have. 

How many of you are satisfied? How many of you complain that you want more out of life or a different life in general? All of you? Now how many people are working every second of every single day to change that? To reach their wildest dream or far fetched goal? Not many, if any. 

I pitty you. 

We are all gifted with endless oppertunities every single day to make a change but the majority of us refuse to see them, refuse to look for them... Or worse, turn the other way. But why is this? Why do we crave more yet are too lazy to go out and get more, too lazy to satisfy our wants. When it all breaks down, the purest answer I can give is the last word in the previous sentince. Wants. That's all they are is wants. 

That's not good enough. Not for me anyways. 

I don't want a career or people that are good for me. I need them. 

Need. 

That's powerful. That's a word with some sass, some determination and some strength. That's a word that gets shit done. When you need something you go out and get it no matter what obstacles are in your way nothing can stop you from getting what you need. Lots can stop you from reaching what you want. Want is weak. I don't need weakness in my life. I need a career that I am passionate about, I definitely don't want a career I'm passionate about. See the difference? I don't want people that inspire me or make me beam with happiness, I need them. I need these people in my life and I need to keep them by my side. I don't want anything I just need everything. 

Life is uncontrollable and scary and pointless, but only if you want it to be that way. I say no. I say that my life is in my control. I don't choose when it ends but I choose how I live it. I am not scared of what could happen I am I am soothed by the idea of endless possibilities. My life is not pointless, I thought at one point it was but now I see the truth. I see that maybe I won't touch millions of lives with my thoughts but in no way does that make me less than a life. I am one person who will accomplish everything I need to do in this lifetime simply because I need to do it. I will only live a pointless life if I say I want to do things.  I will only live a pointless life if I live in fear of failure. 

Failure in inevitable. If you live a life filled with so much caution that you never fail, well then you fail by default. 

I will not fail. I will not want. I will not be lazy. 

I will succeed simply because I need to. I need to fulfil my own definition of success and nothing will stop me. Nothing will get in my way permenently. Everything I have ever dreamed of is within reach right at this very moment, I just need to decide if I want it or if I need it.

My life will make me feel full. I will be full of love (that I give and recieve), full of passion, full of honesty, full of failure, full of oppertunity and full of needs. My life will be everything I have ever dreamed of, everything I will ever dream up in the future will all just be one simple need away. 

I don't want anything, I just need everything. 

Much Love,

Megan

 

Summer is by far my favorite time of year. There is no better feeling then when you can feel the air sticking to your skin. I love the heat. I love summer. 

The end of summer is one of my least enjoyed times of year. It's and end... I don't like endings. The days are getting shorter, the air cooler, friends are moving away, new responsibilities are arising and the dark winter is slowly sneaking up on us like a black cat hunting prey. I'm not ready to start a new job or have my best friend leave me... Especially when I hardly got to see her this summer. 

This summer brought many changes for me. I lost my very best friend, my other half. I grew into a more positive person. I learned stuff about myself I didn't take the time to know before and I met an amazing guy. I started to write. I got back into running. I got a new horse. Big things have happened. Life changing this have happened. I'm just settling down into this new routine and I'm not ready for it to change again. 

Life doesn't work like that though. You think you know what you want, or what you need, and life just goes ahead and changes all those plans for you. I'm leaning to embrace change, to welcome it, but it can be hard. I like being comfortable and in these last few months I have hardly had a chance to fall into a comfortable routine. I guess I need to just ride the wave and work on controlling my attitude in situations and not controlling the situation. 

Attitude really is everything in life. I have learned we truly do not have control over what happens in the next five minutes of our existence... Or even if we will in fact still exist in five minutes. However, we do have total control of our attitudes. It's just hard work to maintain a positive outlook and some people are lazy.

This blog has no point, I was just going crazy riding the stationary bike in our shop and needed something to do. My knees weren't up for a run tonight. 

Much Love,

Megan 

Different Emotions I Guess

After a successful day at the horse show I lay in bed in nothing but a small towel and Roscoe covering up my feet. I feel exhausted, happy, sad, peacful, alone, loved, some grief and a tad dehydrated. A lot of different emotions I guess. 

I'm exhausted because I was in the heat all day in an annoying amount if clothes. 

I'm happy because Max tried so hard for me today. We both made some mistakes but for his first show (and first time jumping more then three fences in a row) we're doing pretty good.    

I'm sad because it's hard seeing so many familiar faces around the barn but not seeing Syd's. This weekend has been a tough one for me in regards to her. 

I'm peacful because Roscoe is quietly snoring and keeping my feet warm. Not too much can bring me as much peace... As much stillness, as my puppy can. 

I'm alone because I miss my Sydney. No other reason. 

I'm loved because I had a lot of my people come out to watch me ride today. That makes me happy. They all make me happy. I'm so lucky that I have such an amazing group supporting me. 

Greif.... That's Syd again. 

Dehydrated? Obviously I didn't drink enough water. 

A lot of emotions are pulsing through my body and mind right now. I don't think I will be able to organize them for this posting unfortunatly. It's been a weekend I'll always remember. Not only because it's Max's (and kinda Fonzy's) first show but also because I now realzed how important my barn people are to me. How much each and every one of them make up this weekend and fill it with memories. It's a special feeling knowing that we're all striving for success this show but we can all support each other at the same time. I think that's because we all have a different definition of what a successful weekend will look like. 

I don't have anything else to say right now, just had the ich to write something down. 

Much Love,

Megan

Horse Shows

A year ago at this time I had my little baby, Joey, at his first show. My stall buddy was Syd with her giant pony, Piper. We ate so much fricken junk food we were both riding with sore stomachs. It was the only show we did last summer so we were going to make the best of it.... Obviously. 

Being at the show this year without her is giving me an empty feeling. I miss having her making me laugh everytime I get stressed or forcing me to keep eating long after I reached my limit. I find everyday I have something I want to tell her, getting ready for a show alone is giving me an ich to call her and tell her everything that's on my mind. I miss her. I find myself sitting alone watching the low hunter decisions and wondering how all these people seem to be so stressed about their horses not being perfect when all I can think about is my best friend. Obviously, I want to do well this weekend on Max but I find I am not stressing about anything. I have my tack and my show clothes, everything else will be fine. If Max loses his brain I'll live... Partly because I'm used to him forgetting it in his stall most days. It's funny to think that a year ago I was so stressed that my braids weren't perfect and that Joey had a massive poop stain in his side that wouldn't come out no matter how much I scrubbed it. Maybe I'm less stressed because this is my first show in 10 years without a grey to clean. More likely it's because if I have learned anything these past four months it's that life is bitterly short. It's too short but I guess that gives it value. The more rare an item the higher the price... The higher the value. Truly living is a rare thing.

Even though I can't shake the empty feeling in my chest or I can't seem to hold my tears back this weekend I also feel extremely thankful that I am alive to feel these emotions. Because even with these low feelings I am also happy that Max has been amazing these past few jump lessons. I wish I could be jumping big fences right now with him but I am thankful I am here showing, even if it's only a few little hunter courses. My goal this show is to keep him relaxed and get around the courses smoothly. Nothing else matters to me other then giving him a good first show experience. 

I'll be hacking Fonzy around the show this weekend too. I broke down on him yesterday. Feeling guilty that my horse and I are showing and Syd's horse is here but she doesn't get to oppertunity to ride him got to me. I don't know how I got so lucky to be trusted with her baby, I can't thank her loved ones enough for trusting me with him. 

I hope that everyone here at Mid Summer has a stress free show. We are all gifted with amazing, wild creatures. The fact that they trust us to sit upon their backs should be enough to smile about. I hope that everyone can remember that all the hard work we put in every day is deserving of a red ribbon, even if you don't get one this weekend. We ride to feel free, to fly, no validation is needed for that feeling. 

Much Love,

Megan

Being Emotional

Emotions in their purest form are very rare... Which is something I would be very interested in seeing change. The authentic emotions in themselves are conventional; truly seeing these emotions for what they are is quite diluted. The entire human population, although very similar, has a hard time relating to one another as individuals. This is why we choose to keep a petite circle of people close to our hearts. Only a handful of people out of the billions who occupy this earth truly connect with us on a mental, spiritual, and emotional level. Yet, on a daily basis we try to hide or swivel our emotions.

I am still guilty of this some days but I am trying to work on it. I am choosing to work on this particular aspect of myself because the individuals who I have the upmost respect for all share one common thing... They admit to being emotional. Isn't that beautiful? Weak is not a word that would ever be used to describe any of these gorgeous people. Yet, being emotional is typically seen as a weak characteristic. I feel ashamed that I used to consider myself strong for hiding so many feelings. Covering up an emotion in it's purest form is a huge boo-boo. It's one of the three things that connect us with our people (mental, spiritual, emotional.) There is no logical explanation for someone who says they have no true friends when he/she covers their own raw emotions. Dude, be raw. Be authentic. It's the only reasonable way to make connections with other individuals just like yourself. 

Sometimes people who have been in my life for a very long time surprise me. I learn something new about someone's way of thinking and in half of a second my entire perspective of them has changed. In that split second I have not only learned something new about the person, but also about myself. Because, from every new bit of information we get we also get a new emotion. Life is made up of positives and negitives. These positives and negitives hold true with every single emotion we feel... In short anyways. So, with every new piece of information we get a new (positive or negitive) emotion is also created. Neat. 

So with all these emotions being caged up inside of us it's easy to make unnatural connections with people. When we make a conscious effort to set our emotions free it's amazing the amount of positivity that comes into our lives. Whether with new connections or old ones with a new perspective, allowing ourselves to be raw will bring natural, authentic connections into our circle more frequently. 

When I hear people say that someone is emotional it makes me a tad angry. I feel this negitive emotion because we are all emotional. Unless you have ever had lobotomy, then yeah, everyone else would be emotional compared to you. Since we are all emotional I think that what most people mean when they say someone is "emotional" is that the reactions they have to their raw emotions are handled poorly. Which is a completely differnt thing. 

So summing all that up... Everyone is emotional. Embrace it. Accept it. Learn to fricken love it and an amazing amount of positivity will come into your life. I promise. 

Much Love,

Megan

Positivity, Trust, and Love

As humans we are constantly faced with two options; positive and negative thoughts. Always choose positivity. No matter how tough it is. 

Trust people. If they hurt you the pain you will feel is only temporary, their pain is much deeper and longer lasting. So, trust someone even if you have no reason to. 

Love your friends, family and lovers with all your heart. If you get hurt at least you are living with no regrets, no limitations. 

Positivity, trust and love. That is how one lives a fulling life. A life full of happiness, success and bliss. 

Much Love,

Megan 

Death

These last few days have been tough for me. I have been painfully missing Sydney. I miss our silly conversations and late night FaceTime's. I miss telling her everything new and exciting in my life, or even the boring stuff that doesn't even matter. I miss planning our trip that we were going to go on in January and I miss searching for weekends where we're both available to see each other. I didn't find enough time for those. Work or riding always seemed to get in the way. That's the only regret I have about this whole devistating situation, I didn't try as hard as I could of to go see her as often as I should of. I didn't make her my top priority even though I constantly told her that she was.

Losing anyone is hard. Death is scary, confusing and life changing. No matter how you handle the loss of a loved one you're life will be forever different. Different in a good way or in a negative way, being the same is not an option. I am trying me best to handle this awful situation with grace and positivity... It doesn't always work but I think I'm pretty close. I hit my darkest point shortly after Syd passed, I sunk to a place so low, so negative I only had two ways out; end my life or get up and beat the shit out of all the negativety. My dad was basically a professional fighter and as it turns out, so am I.

Hitting that place scared me... A lot. I will never be in that place again, I know that for a fact. I learned so much about myself after that happened, I understood so much more then I did before. One of the things I figured out was death. No I don't know when or why everyone dies, but I came to an understanding that I can't control it, I can only control my reactions to loss. I had delt with death when my riding coach and second mom, Elaine, passed away. That was tough. Losing Syd was infinity times tougher. Maybe it was tougher because I was already in a negative place. Maybe because I was older. Most likely, it was because she was my "soul sista" and she knew everything about me. My good stuff and my bad stuff. She loved me anyways. It's very rare to find someone who accepts you for exactly who you are, and when you do, you hold onto them as tight as you can until death pries them out of your hands. 

Death is something we all face, it bonds people because at some point or another we will all experience loss. I have figured out my meaning and reasoning for death, that doesn't make it the right way. It's just the way that I, as an individual, have managed to cope through this. 

Losing someone is very hard to wrap your head around. Simplified, one moment a living breathing specimen is here, the next their not. Okay, seems pretty simple... Until you find yourself curled up in your baby brothers arms after collapsing on the cold floor. In that moment, nothing is simple. Emotions are spinning out of control (something I am not used to.) Typically my emotions are exactly what I want them to be and when. Through this I was forced to accept being out of control; I resisted at first but now I'm accepting it. I'm accepting the fact that I cannot control death. I do not decided when my loved ones who are still here supporting me and making me smile leave me. I cannot choose who stays and who goes. When they go... How they go. I understand I am out of control of making that decision. More importantly then that, I understand I AM in control of how I react to such situations. I choose to be happy every day. Not because I never know when my time is up, instead I am happy every day because smiling and laughing with people I care about sounds a million times better then moping around feeling sorry for myself. I have my moments of sadness or anger but they are sparsely spread amongst moments of pure joy and peace. 

Coming to the realization of what we can control and what we can't is life changing. I get embarrassed thinking about how I innitionally handled the situation. I am so much stronger then that, but it took me getting to that point to truly believe that. I am a very strong person. That doesn't mean my life is easy and I am happy all the time with zero effort. It means my life has had some bad stuff in it and I choose every single fricken day that I will be happy no matter what happens. That is what being strong is all about. Facing your sadness head on, accepting it, then deciding that no matter how bad the situation you will be truly happy for no reason other then you deserve to be. Every single person still on this earth deserves happiness. It doesn't matter what you did in the past, if you were a drug dealer, a murderer or even a rapest, if you change your ways you have a gosh darn right to be happy. And the only person who can take that right away from you is you.... So don't. Okay? Happiness truly is one of the only things in this life we have total control over so never give that up. Never forget the good things. Never, ever, be overgrown by darkness because it will show you no mercy. Instead, see the beauty life has to offer. See the green grass and perfectly clouded sky and be happy that you were giving the oppertunity to whitness such simple attractions. 

Much Love,

Megan

Banana

I'm 20. I don't have a life plan, a career plan or even a day to day plan. What I do have is an outlook on life that can't be broken. Maybe it can bend for the better, very rarely it bends for the worse... I stay true to my values. I'm fairly strong willed. I don't take shit from anyone and I don't let anyone change my mind when it comes to my values.

*Quick side note*

To me, values are something we all as individuals need to figure out for ourselves. Once we have our core set of values they cannot be changed (unless by dramatic life events.) We can pretend to change them but life will always knock us back into a place where we have to be true to ourselves again. Life can be so annoying that way. So, just stay true to yourself and you will find the path you are supposed to be on. 

Okay, back to me being strong willed. This isn't something that I have ever had a hard time doing. It comes naturally for me to stick to behaviours that are important to me. All through highschool I never gave into any sort of peer pressure, I never drank, I never partied, I never did drugs. It all seemed so silly to me. So I just didn't do it. Highschool can be a tough place for some people, it's easy to get lost. You're trying to figure out your own values, maybe rebelling against your parents, and you have kids telling you what you should do or what you should believe. It can be a mad house but I managed to stay true to me through it all.

My values haven't changed much since highschool but I have added some. Honesty is something I have always demanded from my close circle of people, that has grown even more this past year. Something that has changed dramatically since I've graduated is my outlook on life... Particularly since Syd's passing. I now realize there is a huge difference between making a life and making a living. Some people make themselves a life and a living, some make one or the other, and some very lucky individuals have manged to make them the same thing. I think (in my limited life experience) that the way to have your life and living be the same thing is through your passion. I also think that some individuals want to have them seperate. No one has the same life goals, so why would everyone want to have their passion also be their career? I know I want mine to be but that doesn't make it the "right" way. It's just my way. 

I mention quite a bit that people need to spend more time alone. I think this is just another reason why it has benefited me. This is one of the things I ponder in silence, it's one of the things that I have learned about myself. Yesterday I didn't even realize there was a difference but now, just sitting outside alone, I have grown in the last 20 min. I have grown to realized not only that there is a difference but which one I want out of my life.

Self growth is something I never gave much thought to in the past. Recently however, I have become slightly obsessed with it. Maybe that makes me a weirdo but I don't care because I am comfortable with who I am. Even the parts of me that aren't understood by everyone. 

There isn't a huge lesson that goes along with this post. It's just random thoughts that are currently dancing across my mind. Which is making it really hard to think of a title for this post. I think I'll just call it Banana or something random.

Much Love,

Megan and her wondering mind