Happy

I like being young... Being free... Being happy. 

I very recently learned that I am completely in control of my life. I decide to be happy every morning and at peace with myself every night. Circumstances can make me temporarily stressed, angry or sad but in the end I choose how I want to feel. How I want to be. I choose when I want to go out dancing with my friends or when I want to spend the day with my horses. I choose when I smile, when I laugh, when I cry. I am in control and it feels fricken amazing. For the first time in my entire life I feel like I have the power to control the outcome of every situation (or how I react to it anyways.) 

My outlook on life has completely changed... My outlook on myself has changed too. I am so incredibly happy. I am happy with my personality, my body, my flaws, my past, my future. Everything. Do I worry about money still? Yeah. The difference now is that money isn't something I need in excess. I haven't turned into such a hippy that I believe I don't need any because I realize it will get my a house and food and other fun things like that. However, I feel free knowing that even if I have hardly anything I will find a way to get by. I'm in control of my life. Do I still worry about not having a direct career path? Duh. Doesn't everyone though? Even if you are in school everyone has doubts. I've accepted mine and decided that I can't control my future, I can only work hard now and hopefully it pays off. If it doesn't I'm sure life will find a way to work it's self out for the better. My worries have not gone away but how I mentally deal with them has changed completely. I've FINALLY learned that the only thing in this entire world I can control are my reactions to events. I can't control the fact that my best friend was taken before her time. Or that cancer took a very influential person from my life. I can't control anything. Everyone I love could be driving together tomorrow and all die and I couldn't control it. What I can do is control my behaviour to these situations. No matter how horrible or tragic life can get we always have the option to deal with these curveballs with grace and peacfulness. I cried and screamed and thought about taking my own life when Syd passed (not exactly graceful.) I hit my lowest low but I needed that to happen so I could make some dramatic changes in my life. So I could learn that even through one of the hardest times in my life (so far anyways) I can still survive. I can still live a wonderful life filled with beauty and peace and happiness. 

Recently I have been having fun. Who knew that Megan Pilon was capable of unwinding?! I've been running, baking, riding, going out dancing and even laughing with my family. I feel like I have time to get all my work done, hang out with some amazing people and still have time to talk with my parents and my baby bro. I've somehow stumbled into this perfect balance and I really hope it stays like this. I love life right now. And for those of you who know me personally, you know I don't throw the dreaded "L" word around. My parents don't even hear me say it. But if I could send a voice recording to ya'll or something like that (idk technology and I don't get along) I would be using the word "love" over and over and over again. 

It's kinda scary looking back at how I used to act or carry myself because it just seems like a completely different person. I'm so happy with this change. I'm happy I can live each day without a solid schedule and just take what life has to give me. I feel peacful, positive,  beautiful, prosperous, fortunate, powerful, thankful, euphoric, and just gosh darn blissful. 

I hope that this blog inspires people (even just a couple) to truly enjoy the beauty in life. My posts can be sad and heavy but I try to write in a way that makes readers stop and think. To sit in the sadness and then appreciate the little things that we so easily forget about. It's okay to bask in negative emotions as long as you are learning from them. Learning to appreciate life for everything that it is and not just what we think it should be. Life will never be perfect, nor will we, but 

we can all decide how we handle every situation in life. How we choose to do that will decide our happiness. And in the end, being happy is really all that matters.

So so so much love,

Megan 

Fathers Day?

I was flipping through my old blog posts and I realized how sad most of them are. This blog is definitely a place for me to try to "open up" or whatever but gosh I am not as emotional as I am making myself out to be. I smile and laugh a lot. I laugh at myself 90% of the time because I do/say the dumbest things. I AM A HAPPY PERSON WHO LIKES DOING FUN THINGS! 

Seriously. 

I do. 

Oh random topic change... happy Father's Day to all the awesome fathers out there. My dad is kinda awesome. I would never say this to his face because he would twist my words into something like "Megan said I'm the coolest person ever and she said I'm a good dancer and singer and cook and she even said I dress nice and that my hair is full a luscious." None of that is true. However, my dad has many other talents. He can play hockey and make good steaks and occasionally (okay always) he is the best dad ever. He tries his best to support my crazy life choices and he listens to me when I need someone to talk to. He has so much life experience that he always seems to have an answer to every question I might have. Dad has also done some crazy, scary and kinda bad things so I know that whatever I do I can't be worse then him (jk dad, don't be mad at me for that one.) 

My relationship with my dad is very extreme; We are either best friends or hardly talking. We didn't have the strongest relationship when I was growing up, party to do with me and party him. We have very similar personalities and communication isn't one of our strong points. Not even that, we're both good at talking, just about the wrong stuff.  Things like feelings and emotions and other annoying things like that hardly come out of our mouths. Normally people can guess our moods by the heaviness of our foot falls, our pissed off facial expressions (even if we say "no I'm not angry"), or... In extreme cases... Our lack of breathing. Whenever you hear dad or I take in a deep breath out of no where we haven't been breathing for a while due to extreme anger and you should probably run and come back with some Schmoo cake. 

We fight. This is probably the first time he's hearing of this because I don't actually let him know when I'm angry with him. But it does happen occasionally. We also get along extremely well. He gossips and I listen, he get angry and throws fits and I sit back and wait for the storm to pass, he opens up to me and I take that moment and hold onto it because I know they don't come around too often. We are so so so similar. Really our only difference is I have better control of my emotions.... Sorry not sorry. 

I have a hard time being myself around my dad. I feel he doesn't ever see the fun, carefree side of me. But our relationship is getting so much stronger and I am so grateful for that. I'm extremely lucky that I have such an amazing man like him in my life. A man who is kind, honest, trustworthy (unless you have a juicy piece of gossip), and most importantly courageous. He would of never accomplished as much as he has isn't he didn't have the courage, the bravery, to chase his dreams. I want to grow into a similar person as him. No, not 6'0", 230... I want to grow into a person with similar qualities as him. I want to chase my dreams and make mistakes but always learn from them. I want to live with a (more) positive outlook on life and I want to be able to make connections with people like he does. I will grow up and I'll find someone to share my life with who has similar qualities as my dad...He set the bar extremely high for any guy.

We are both kinda unstable but in a weird way I think that brings us closer. He accept my faults and I accept his. And even though I can't say it outloud because I'm a weirdo with superstitions but I really do love him with all my heart. I would be so lost without him in my life. He gives me a kick in the butt when I need it or a hug when I least expect it. So dad, thank you for beind an amazing human being and an ever better father. And thank you for letting my tell you this all through to blog because I wouldn't be able to find the words in person. 

Love always,

Your little girl. 

Ps- I totally got carried away I forgot about the start of this blog. I'll go back to how happy I am another day...

Peace, Love and Positivity.

Sometimes in life we can get so consumed by such meaningless activities or objects that we lose sight of who we are. We forget what makes us truly happy or peaceful and we get wrapped up into a tight ball of stress over which bachelor Andy is going to pick this season, how much money we have, how that girl looked at you the wrong way in the mall, or even some of us (probably just me) want to cry when our eyelashes aren't perfect. I am so incredibly guilty of this. I forget that just a sip of strong coffee can lighten my mood or how sitting with my dog can bring me such peace. I forget that I don't actually care what other people think of me or what they want to do with their lives. Most people are strangers. We think we know them but most of the time we just know who they are trying to portray. I have a small circle of people in my life who I truly know, who I truly care about. Still, I obsessive over the fact that some people don't like me even though I don't care for them. Or I have a burning need to be accepted by everyone I meet. Would it really be the end of the world if I didn't get along with one person? Probably not. I would (probably) be much happier if I just did things with people who I truly connect with and quit worrying about the rest. I would (probably) find so much peace with just sitting alone with my emotions. I'm not even sure I know who I am. What thoughts would come to me if I sat in total solitude for an hour? Animals... (probably.) My point to all of this rambling is that I am unhappy. I can admit that. I want so much more out of life. Granted, I have a lot. I have so much to be thankful for, yet, I want more. I want to be able to sit outside with a cup of coffee and just be comfortable in my own skin. I want to let my mind wander and dream up the most crazy things it possibly can, then I want to chase those dreams. I want to go for walks by myself and ride my horse by myself and take long bubble baths... By myself. I want to learn to love myself and be friends with myself. I want to learn who I am and figure out what I like and what I dislike and I want to become truly happy in my own skin. What is wrong with solitude? I have friends and family who I absolutely love with all my heart but I can't open up to them, I can't tell them I love them, because I don't know who I am. I can't open up to people and share my beliefs with them if I don't even know what they are. 

I find that this is one of the things many people today don't do enough of. Soul searching. It sounds lame but who cares. I don't think that we are all born with a set plan or path to follow. I don't think we ever know who we truly are because we are always growing and changing. I do think that we could all spend a little more time figuring out our own personalities as opposed to wondering what the Kardashian's are up to.  

I am just recently descovering that I feel things. I spent most of my teenage years being so numb to everything. I never ever, ever, cried. I never experienced a deep laugh where your abs and cheeks hurt. I've never been so anrgy I could punch a hole in a wall. I was numb. My mom thought I had some serious issues because of it. I did what I was told, I did extra cleaning and work around the house to make my parents happy, I became a real life robot (don't think about that last one too much... I'm not even sure it makes sense.) The point is, I acted how the perfect daughter or sister or friend should act but it wasn't who I was. Now I find myself forced to admit I have emotions and even harder then that, I have to try to deal with them. And it's fricken hard. I don't know who I am because I have spent my whole life up until now living for other people. My past is my past. I can't change the fact that I never allowed myself to be human growing up but I can try to change that now. I am trying to find my way and I am trying to get to know myself... To love myself. 

My life has changed drasticly these past few months but I finally feel alive. I have delt with so much sadness that I don't have a choice. I needed a wake up call and I got it. I lost so many people close to me, thus forcing me to be alone and figure myself out. I feel a little bit like a baby horse trying to figure their legs out, all out of control, going in different directions. I'm stumbling and falling down but I'm getting back up. I'm not strong enough to carry the weight of my emotions yet but I am not going to give up until I can stand tall. 

Peace, Love and Positivity. 

Megan. Xoxoxoxo

Ellis Ranch

I have had a hard time making this particular blog post. I just can't seem to get it exactly how I want it so I'm just going to do my best and hopfully I can capture all the beauty of the ranch in this post. 

Many adventures occurred the weekend I was at The Ranch, one of the most beautiful places on earth. The Ellis Ranch is home to some very special memories, and more were made when I got to spend the weekend there. I was graced with the oppertunity to spend time with Tami and other members of Syd's family. 

The weekend started with a visit to a place with a beautiful cross. An emotional visit with my friend started the weekend off. I left a little gift for her from a horse that meant the world to her, and who now means the world to me. Looking at all the little trinkets, hats and flowers warmed my heart. Syd meant so much to so many people and I am happy to be a part of her circle of friends and family. Her passing has brought me closer to so many people and has given me so many new connections with beautiful people. I am happy that through this horrible tragedy so many people are being brought closer as a result. That is the only positivity about death, the new connections it brings. I got the oppertunity to meet one of Syd's good friends this weekend which was so special to me. I loved sharing stories about Syd and getting to know about adventures she had with other people, getting to know a side of Syd that I didn't know when she was still walking among us. 

Horses were a big part of this weekend. I got to ride Fonzy's mom, Elania, and a little cow pony, Chico. Tami and I went on a beautiful trail ride and talked about life since Syd passing. Our souls shared some very special moments together this weekend, moments that my vocabulary isn't large enough to properly describe. Tami has the ability to calm me without even trying. The vibes she radiates are so positive I can't help but put everything into perspective. I can't help being thankful for everything in my life, good and bad, because I have been given an oppertunity to see this world and experience joy and sadness. I have every right to bask in every emotion that falls upon me. I learned recently that sitting quietly in the emotions you are feeling is such a powerful thing. Sitting in sadnesses, anger, joy, peacfulness... They all teach you something about yourself that you might not of known before. 

I do not believe in organized religion but I am a spiritual person. Many crazy, wild, somewhat unexplainable happenings took place this weekend that I am not comfortable sharing yet. I'm sure one day ya'll will read the post about them and think we were on drugs and drinking too much wine this weekend... Maybe something was in the water. If I wasn't surrounded by so many wonderful people I would if thought I was going crazy myself. 

The Ranch is such a peacful place. Horses running free, although sometimes jumping fences they shouldn't, they have the ability to live in such a natural environment that all the ponies have such strong spirits and personalities. It is so beautiful to see the animals running around and interacting with each other without any space restrictions. The dogs on the ranch use Tami's house as the hang out spot. They are all lingering outside the front door or on the deck looking in through the large window's while we eat. The kitty, Willow, sleeps all day then sprints around the house (kinda neurotically) in the evening. Every being has a unique personality. The cats, dogs, horses and humans are all so different (obviously) but they are all intertwined by living on ranch together. They all get along and interact in a way that is quite unique to the Ellis Ranch... A way that is hard to explain. 

The weekend on The Ranch changed me in a very special way. I didn't realize how much I was still suffering until I got to experience such a large adventure. I feel so much more at peace with everything in my life. I have had some very large changes since that weekend but I feel I have handled them with so much grace. I am proud to be me. Proud of my strengths and my weaknesses. I hope I can go up there again very soon. Being around Syd's friends and family is so special to me. I'm incredibly blessed that so many of them have shared personal stories with me. They all changed me in such a positive way. 

It was very hard for me to write this, I feel I'm not qualified enough to put something as beauful and the Ellis Ranch into words. I hope I did it justice. 

Much Love, 

Megan