A Clean House

I love a clean house. White tile that sparkles, grit free stove and counters, smudge-less stainless steal appliances, that ‘I just spent hours cleaning and scrubbing’ smell.  A clean house makes me feel organized and in charge. My brain could be a scattered mess but you would never know because I hide it with an organized home and a sent of Autumn Harvest essential oil. 

That’s the thing about appearances, you can really be judged for how you look even if it’s not how you feel. If someone has a full face of perfectly blended make up and a clean, well fitted outfit many would assume this person has too much time to focus on their appearance. Maybe even assume this person is self centred. Or has low confidence or a cold hearted personality and uses cover up to, well, cover it all up. 

I’m guilty. I mean really who isn’t? The way we dress, how we carry our bodies, the movements we make, they all create this impression or suppression of who we are. I feel that maybe this outer layer of expression doesn’t always directly reflect our inner personality.

Sometimes it’s hard to admit to ourselves that we are hiding thoughts... feelings. I find opening up to others very easy because I can choose what to show and what to keep to myself. I can laugh and share my insecurities that aren’t my greatest fears and I still come accross as an open book.

I find opening up to myself very challenging because I can’t hide the parts of me that I hate. The stubbornness. The lack of patience. My ability to get snappy when the day hasn’t gone how I had initially hoped. So I trick myself with my perfectly applied makeup and well dusted house. I make sure that my exterior looks in order even though it feels as if my interior is an unorganized mess. 

It’s hard to cope with such self doubt. Doubt so strong it’s crippling. I get aches in my chest when I start to face my insecurities because I feel as if I will never change. I’m worried my entire life will fly by like a Sunday and I’ll be left on my death bed with so many regrets. I’m worried I won’t achieve relationship success, parenting success, or financial success. My greatest worry is that my unmanageable fear of failure will stop me from taking the required risks to be successful. 

So I clean my house and cover up my face in hopes that I can trick myself just as I trick those around me.

Much Love,

Megan 

Dream Chaser

I’m struggling to find a dream. 

Lucky people are those who have a dream or a goal, to chase. To put everything they have into reaching it. But what about the people like myself who can’t seem to come up with something to work towards? I’ve focused my energy into decorating our home and learning how to raise our beautiful baby boy. These things fill my day and truly make me happy. However, all the walls are filled in our house and I’ve learned that raising a baby is actually done best when you are not researching how to do it. 

So now what? Daxton keeps me busy and keeps teaching me new things about myself every day but I have this driving force inside of me to fill my life with more passion. I want to set a goal for myself. I want to achieve this goal. I want to have a fuller plate. I’m just so damn picky.  I won’t waste any of my energy on something that I don’t believe is great. I won’t pursue something that I don’t fully believe I will be the best at. I also won’t waste my time if I see a flaw in this goal. Even if it’s incredibly small. I’m just so damn picky. 

I frustrate myself with my ability to find a reason wrong with all these ideas I get in my head. It’s making it nearly impossible for me to achieve what I want most right now... a dream. 

My hope is that this attention detail will someday lead to my success. That my stubbornness will somehow help me find this perfect goal. That my drive will help me get there. This frustration I’m feeling is going to teach me something, maybe even unknowingly push me towards where I am supposed to be. In this moment though I’m defeated and angry. 

Because I’m just so damn picky. 

Much Love,  

Megan