Innocent Findings

I just found Syd's perfume while cleaning my room. She didn't even know that she left it here for the longest time. She asked if she did but I always told her no because I wanted to keep it. Eventually my guilt set in and I told her I had it. She said I could keep it and smell it to remind myself of her... She said this as a joke but now it is all too literal. 

Since we lived so far apart we would say things like this all the time to each other. We would talk almost like a couple in a long distance relationship. Sounds weird but to us it was always a joke to say things like "Miss you bb, I hope you're in my dreams tonight." Comments like these would be followed by uncontrollable giggles. 

I miss her all the time. Little things remind me of her and set me off in hysterics. I wish I had more time with her. I wish I could tell her everything in my life right now. I need her support. 

I don't have much else to say right now but I do want to share a conversation we had on March. 27, 2014. It's silly and I'm kinda ashamed to say we were being very serious. She sent me the first picture and below is the conversation that followed. Maybe I will get one of our tattoo idea's one day...

 

Lazy Days

Today I am lazy. I could lay on the couch all day and eat chips and be totally content. A day is never wasted if you're doing what you love. And I love couch. 

Thunderstorms are one of my favorite things... Especially at night. After milking last night I stood outside and let the rain poor down on me as I watched the sky crack and light up. Probably should of done this when I got home because my car smelt like wet cow poo the whole drive home. Lesson learned.

I always wake up feeling so refreshed when it's storming out. Something about the lightshow, the noise, the sound of rain hitting my window; it all relaxes me like nothing else. It makes me more lazy then I normally am. I just want to sit outside in a blanket and listen to the rain gently fall, the birds singing, and the frogs croaking. 

Everything always looks so fresh after a storm. I don't mean fresh like how some rappers use it. "Aaaaiiii boi those new shoes are so fresh, my (insert N word here)" I mean fresh as in the literal way. The grass is sparkling, the leaves on the tree's are dripping water slowly onto the ground and my car isn't totally covered in mud. If my view right now was to be described as a food it would be a piece of lettuce that has just been washed in the sink and now, as you tear it up, you can hear the distinct crunch. Boom. Perfect analogy. 

I love humidity. Storms also bring me this. I love the heaviness in the air after a thunder storm. I want to have the thick air surround my body as I just sit there and enjoy it. This is why I am lazy today. The windows in the house are open and I can feel the humidity all around me. Although the sound of the dishwasher running isn't the same as birds chirping, I feel relaxed. I feel lazier then a fish trying to swim in peanut butter. 

Today I plan on cleaning my room (hopfully this will actually happen) and eating lots of junk food. Maybe I'll watch Dr. Phil with dad on his lunch break. Today is a good day that isn't being wasted because I am going to enjoy every minute of it. I'm not going to feel guilty for staying in my PJ's all day and only leaving the house to see my ponies. I am going to live each day to the fullest, starting with some BBQ chips and a glass of orange juice. 

I hope you all can enjoy this mucky weather for what it is and find a stillness in the air like I can. It's beautiful feeling if you choose to enjoy it. 

Much Love,

Megan

Love

One of the most difficult emotions to control is love. It feels like a strong current pulling you in all different directions; an uncontrollable force that your body has no choice but to relax into. To accept the chaos. 

Losing love brings an erie stillness to your body. A feeling that you are not actually who you thought you were. A feeling of uncertainty about who you are, what you want or how you will ever go forward. I have lost love. The amazing, and kinda tricky, thing about love is even when death rips it out from your chest you can still keep some of it inside you. 

Let me explain that better... 

Love is always growing and changing. Over time you realize that how you used to love someone isn't how you love them anymore. Maybe you grew out of love, maybe there is less passion, more passion, more respect, more memories, maybe (if you're lucky) you're still falling in love with someone every time you look at them. So, when the darkness extracts that love from you, really all it is taking is the change of love. The love that you once had can never be stollen, only remembered... Only felt in your chest everytime you ride your lost loved one's horse. 

Love is tricky. 

But also beautiful. 

Love comes in many forms. Of course the love I am talking about in this blog post is a friendship type love. A love for my radiant, divine, stunner of a friend... Sydney. I love her with all my heart and that love will never, ever change. The oppertunity for that love to change is no longer available to me, but that doesn't discredit the love I still feel for her. 

I think about Syd every single day. Some days I cry. I'm okay with admitting that though. I'm sure lots of people still cry thinking about her... Remembering her. But that's love. Sometimes is makes you smile and sometimes it makes you cry. I smile when I am with Fonzy... But I cry with him too some days. I smile when I remember all the silly memories we shared together and all the experiences we took on together. I think that's one of the toughest things to do after losing love, being able to smile at the memories and not sob your eyes out everytime a thought pops into your head. One should never feel guilty for smiling while remembering such beauty, such love. 

No one moves on from love. That's another way it's tricky. Pure, raw, authentic love can never be moved on from. It stays in a special place inside our chest. It is one of the only permenent emotions, the only feeling that can grow upwards but can never be broken down.

How beautiful is that to think of?

My heart is pounding in my chest as I write this because I can feel my love for Syd still burning strong. I will never move on from her passing. I don't mean that in a negitive, depressed way. It is a beautiful, rare gift I have... Her love. 

Her love was fierce, passionate, raw, authentic, natural, consistent, genuine, trustworthy and warm. I am lucky enough to have the oppertunity to hold onto those emotions for the rest of time. That is an amazing gift no one can take from me... Syd gave me a gift that can never be lost or replaced and for that I am forever grateful.

I miss her. I always will. I have made the conscious decision to not let that hole she left remain empty though, I have decided to fill that cut out of her in my heart with all the love she gave me. Although it is not the same as having her here, it does make me feel full of happiness. So with that, I can live my life to the fullest knowing that a part of her is always with me. 

So Much Love,

Megan

Mental Illness

Hello all you wonderful people who read this blog. I made a post about friendship a few days ago but I see now it deleted it's self from my blog. I didn't mean to go so long without putting a new post up, I legit thought I had something for ya'll to read. I know how many people rely on my blog posts so I'm so sorry to all 2 of you who are saddened by this misfortune. Anywhoooo, I mentioned I was diagnosed with a few mental disorders in some of my first posts and I decided to talk about them today. I have had a couple people contact me asking what they are like to live with so I will do my best to explain on here. 

I was diagnosed in 2012 with a list of things that make me a bit abnormal. Depression, Obsessive Anxiety Disorder, OCD, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Anorexia all made the list. OCD and Obessive Anxiety Disorder are very similar, the reason I got diagnosed with both was because my therapist was awesome I guess? I actually don't know. She told me that OCD has many symptoms and I had the type where it is more mental less physical. What I mean by that is I don't go around carrying three sets of anything and cleaning my room a million times a day. I am constantly planning my day out... Like down to the god damn minute. Before I fall asleep at night I make a mental list of everything that needs to get done and how long each activity will take then I put it in an order that makes it the least time consuming. Because I spend so much time obsessing over how my day is going to look when someone comes along and adds another big chore I get angry. I hardly show my emotions but I feel the rage. OAD on the other hand has less to do with my mental planning and more to do with what happens when the mental planning doesn't go how I planed. So basically the rage after things don't work out. I get thrown off my game and I have a mini panic attack when things do go according to plan. That does NOT mean that I am the type of person that is no fun to hang out with. Because I am freaken awesome. If I don't have a plan, I don't need to follow one. It's once the plan is made I need to follow it or else I feel exposed. 

Okay now to the fun ones. Anorexia. Pretty sure everyone knows what that is. Also pretty sure no one would expect me to ever have it. I love food and food loves me but stressful situations can make anyone crazy. In grade 12 (2011-2012) I was having trouble with Alex (The BF) and a girl (a few girls actually) who liked him. I am painfully insecure so feeling threated by these other girls kinda made me a bit nutty and I became obsessed with my weight. I would weigh myself upwards of 20 times a day. If I was under my goal weight I would eat a light snack like a cracker or an apple. If I wasn't, I wouldn't eat. I never got to the point where I was noticeably too thin. Partly because I dressed so no one could really tell and party because Alex noticed and stepped in to help. I still struggle with my weight to this day but I have better tools to help me (thanks to my killer therapist who was telling me I was pretty every time I saw her.... I should go back.) I lost about 25 pounds thanks to this amazing diet process (JK, obviously) bringing my weight really close to only double digits. Now I am the fattest I have ever been, I eat Pringles and icecream in the daily and I hardly weigh myself. Partly because I know I won't like what I see and partly because I don't care. I would love to tone up more but the numbers aren't as important to me, and they shouldn't be to anyone. No one else cares what you weigh so why should you? If you have friends that truly love you for who you are a number on the scale will never decide the date if your friendship. So my message to anyone who is struggling with this is to just chill the 'f' out and eat a pizza. 

Schizoaffective Disorder. Not a well known mental disorder but very similar to schizophrenia. Basically it means that when I get stressed out I have schizofrenic symptoms but they aren't all the time so I don't have to be on daily meds. Being diagnosed with this mental illness was hardest for me to accept. It's the one that made me feel like a true basket case. Although, because I have had the same 'voices' in my head my entire life it was the easiest one to deal with. I don't have to change anything, just be aware it happens and seek help if it ever gets too out of control. 

 

Depression has so many different symptoms that pretty much no one has the exact same ones. I find that with mine I feel a heaviness to my body the majority of the day. It takes really, really exciting things to truly awaken me and help me not feel sad. One of the characteristics of my depression that isn't as common as most diagnoses is I am always happy on the outside. I am generally very giggly and appear "high off life." On the inside I feel the opposite though. That's the tough part about mental illnesses, none are exactly the same so proper diagnosis is really hard.

The hardest part of living with these types of disorders is a lack of understanding by my friends and family. Sometimes a bad day comes for no particular reason and I just have to deal with the illness that day. I am also no longer on any medication. Part of me felt that it was making me worse, making me believe I should be in a straight jacket. Just because I am no longer on any meds doesn't mean I am cured; I am just choosing to live with my diese. Little things always have, and probably always will set me off but I have always prided myself in keeping my emotions in check. 

Starting this personal blog was a big step for me. I have never been open about anything and this is giving me an oppertunity to open up to those who want to read it. It's a safe way for me to slowing work on bettering myself. I can let my close friends and family and even complete strangers into a small part if my head... Which is something I have never done before. 

I appreciate all your kind words regarding this blog, the recent passing of my friend, or just random inspirational words. 

Much Love,

Megan

Horses.

I ride horses. Without horses in my life I would go crazy. I did go insane... Therapy bills can prove that. I was the horse crazy girl in highschool, my teachers wouldn't even call home to clear my absence when I missed school because they knew I was at a show or doing other riding things. Which I just realized (two years too late) that I could of really used this to my advantage. 

I have riden from a very young age. I did a lot of activities when I was younger but eventually mom made me choose one. I fell one day in ballet practice so I quit that (and my tap dancing.) I don't like putting my head under water in swim so I quit that. I am the most unflexable person in the world so I quit gymnastics. I got one silver instead of all gold in my figure skating competition so I quit that. I am really good at quitting things when I'm not the best at them. Except with riding that is.

Horses bring me a sense of tranquility. Even on days when I have to check to make sure there isn't a real life stick up their butts I appreciate the peace they give me. Tough rides make the good ones worth it. 

"Equestrians walk a thin line between insanity and bravery." - Don't know the orrigal person who stated this, I have heard many use similar words over the years. 

I have been badly hurt a few times, not once have I been affraid to get on any horse though. In grade seven I was riding a mare, Kitten, who was very strong. Especially for my tiny body at the time. She had the brilliant idea to make a four stride into a three stride. I looked like I was water skiing to the second fence in the line but still failed to stop her. We did a really cool flip. I was unharmed through her awesome air time, we both just didn't stick the landing. Her butt squished my hips as I was trying to roll away. It was the first time I ever said "Shit!" And my dad was a bit mortified. A few years later in grade ten I had another hip injury. The mare I was riding, Willow, was known to be a bit of a hot head. She took off bucking almost every ride so I was getting used to sticking them. On one special day she decided to up her game for no other reason other then to get my off. It worked. She must of been practicing a prop, buck, then 180 degree spin all in one motion trick... It was so quick I didn't even know what happened. I ended up with a bad concussion and a torn tendon in my left hip. 

Kitten taught me to always choose a deep distance over a long one. Although I've gotten a little too comfortable in the deep spot now. Willow taught me...... Idk probably that if a horse acts crazy she probably is. Rex (my actual horse through all these accidents) taught me that even when you spend years working your hardest and it doesn't seem to pay off you never quit. It took me six and a half years to get him to quit stopping. If that isn't true determination I honestly don't know what is. 

I have started breaking a few horses these past couple summers. Young horses will destroy your confidence innitionally. They are a mirror of who and what you are. That can be a big eye opener. Over time though, young horses will improve every aspect of your horsemanship. Some days are so rewarding, and others... Not so much. 

I haven't shown for six years now. I am dying to get back into competing this summer with Max. He has been a totally different ride then anything I am used to but I am loving every minute of it. Fonzy and I will be working on flat work and trusting each other this summer. I have a lot of oppertunities to grow as a rider right now, I hope I can make the most of them. 

Horse have and always will be a huge part of my life. I would love to find a way to make a career out of my passion because, in my opinion, if you are passionate about your work, it isn't really work. Maybe I am meant to create a job for myself around horses or maybe I just hate working. Either way, horses will always be one of the best parts of my life.

Much Love, 

Megan 

Mother's Day

Ahh Mothers Day. The day of let down and disappointment. You expect your kids to do sweet things like make you homemade gifts if they are too young to have jobs or get you a nice piece of jewelry if they have money. In reality it's just a day where you have to wake them up from their puddle if drool to drag them off to church. No breakfast in bed. No flowers. Just your crappy kids being annoying like every other day of the week. 

Expectations are too high for this day of the year. Kids are selfish pricks who don't care that their mothers "area" got permanently damage for them. No respect. Mothers everywhere go to sleep on the Eve of Mothers Day hoping to wake up to some sort of surprise... Anything would really do it this year after years of disappointment. 

I let my mom give me a hug in public this year. So I pretty much gave her the best gift of all time. Even though my other posts on this blog are so open and honest I am normally very closed off and stoic. My mom does everything she can to be there for me when I do need advice or pry when I don't want to talk about things (but probably should.) She assures me that I'm allowed to make mistakes as long as I learn from them and that it's okay to put my feelings ahead of others sometimes. 

When I was first diagnosed with my mental disorders she was nothing but supportive and accepting. Mom shows me directly and indirectly that life is a beautiful thing; a gift tha we should never take away from ourselves. My mother supports my decision to find a career that involves my passion. She believes in me when I doubt myself and she encourages me to work hard and appreciate the value of money. Mom doesn't let me use my mental disabilities as an excuse for anything but she understands that some days are harder then others; she balances perfectly on a very thin line. 

Mom set a great exaple of a life path I am sure to follow. I can do what I love now and if that changes, or I face different circumstances I can go back to school and change my career. She has experienced so much in her life so far, and has so much more to see, so many more adventures to experience.

She is an amazing woman who I value and respect. She also gave me some amazing good looks so I have to love her, even if I never say it. 

So Happy Mothers Day to the most beautiful, strong, determined, and occasionally funny mom in the entire world. 

Love, 

Megan

Missing You

Dear Sydney,

I miss you more then you will ever know. My eyes cry not being able to see your pretty face. My hands tremble as if they know that they will never reach out to you again. My ears beg to hear your light laughter. My heart, it breaks knowing it can never fill the hole you left. 

I don't know how I can ever make peace with this situation. I need you here. I need your advice. My days are filled with sadness and depression. Every night before bed I cry all alone. I am hardly surviving, hardly staying above water. I feel a pulling sensation, a weight to my body every minute of the day. I miss you. I want to tell you about this amazing new horse I got, but you already know him. You already love him. I called for him today and he whinnied at me like he always did to you. Then he realized your dark, messy curls were not walking toward him. I sat in his hay and cried. We both miss you. 

I want to tell you that Jordan got home today. I want to tell you how happy I am that I have a friend in the city again. How I need you to finally meet her in person and not just through Skype. I know you two would be awesome friends. I want to tempt you to moving here. Dad said you could have Kole's room next spring. You knew that. You knew you had a second home here with me, with all your friends. But you're gone. You left me and I'm mad. 

Why can't I pick up the phone and call you? I need you to tell me my dreams aren't crazy. I need you to convince me you're half black or tell me to stop saying "I can't breath" every time you make me laugh too hard. I miss the laughter you brought into my life. 

I feel guilty that you can no longer be with Fonzy. Do you miss him? Or are you at peace with life, with death?

Your mom shares beautiful stories with me, opens up to me. It makes me feel closer to you. She tells me to try and see the beauty in every situation, to see your beauty everywhere. And I do. But it hurts. I see beauty in this world and I appreciate it more then I ever have, but it's not enough. I need you here with me. I would give up anything to be with you right now. I think about taking my own life to be near you. But what if when we die there is nothing more? I hope there is. I hope that you are in a place where you don't feel any stress or worry. I hope you are taking care of your mom and the rest of your family right now. I hope that when their wounds start to heal you can take care of me... Like you always did before. I can wait, they need you more.

Please don't forget about me. I will never forget about you. I will never forget about our memories together or our plans for the future. I will never forget that you were the first person I actually enjoyed hugging. How you always just forced it upon me and didn't care if I resisted at first. You knew I would relax into your thin frame. 

I need you to come back. I need this to be a nightmare. I can't handle this reality. 

I miss you Sydney. Come home. 

Love you with all my heart,

Megan

Sydney

One month ago our house phone rang and I got the most horrible news. Listening to my moms voice shake as a police officer explained the tragedy that had just taken place made my stomach turn.

My family was watching an episode of Suits when the call came. I will never forget how quickly the room went silent when everyone heard the sadness in my moms voice. Our eyes darted around, all guessing what had happened. Was one of my grandparts hurt? Was a relative in th hospital? Syd never crossed my mind at this point. When my mom turned the corner she was only looking at me. Her eyes were filled with tears and I looked back in confusion. My whole body froze as I could tell I was going to be hit with some terrible news. I anticipated emence sadness. She stood against the wall and said she was on the phone with a police officer from Medicine Hat. Then she started to cry. I instantly assumed something had happened to Tami. She was in the hospital a few months before so my brain jumped to that conclusion. I started to panick, thinking I had to get to Med Hat to see Syd as soon as I could, to be there for her. Then my mom said one word that will haunt me forever. 

"Sydney..." 

She trailed off and her voice cracked and I knew. This all happened in a matter of seconds but time had stopped for me. I sat there not moving. Not feeling. Mom explained what had happened and I said "No" over and over again as tears ran out of my eyes. The world to everyone else was still spinning but mine had just come to an abrupt stop. 

We all sat there crying for about half an hour. Mom then started to make calls to other families who knew Syd, I sat there numb. Her face was so clear in my head, we had just FaceTime a few nights before. She couldn't be gone, she's too young, too beautiful. Feeling torn between never wanting to move again or to start running and never stop, I decided to get up and let the dogs outside. I didn't make it. I collapsed on the floor in a puddle of tears then felt my baby brothers arms around me. I was broken. 

As I sat on the cold tile in my brothers arms I thought about Syd's little brother. How much she loved him, how much he looked up to her. It hit me at this point how selfish I was being. My pain was breaking me. But the pain her family must of been feeling can't be put into words. Syd was such a huge part in all their lives, and they all made up hers. So many people were heartbroken.

Syd's friends from Saskatoon all gathered at my place that night. We cried and cried. We talked about life and death and how beautiful Sydney was. However, it still didn't seem real. To this day it still doesn't. I can't be alone without crying at least a little.

I try to take life one day at a time now. Being outside brings me peace so I spend my days with my dogs and horses. I see beauty... See Syd... In simple things that I didn't appreciate before. Her physical body is no longer walking with us on this earth but I feel her spirit all around me. 

Her baby, Fonzy, arrived on my property today. I'm excited that I have an oppertunity to take care of him for her. I'm also a bit nervous for this journey to start, for what emotions I am going to have to face and what obstacles we will have to over come. Fonzy will forever be Sydney's horse, I am just going to take care of him for a while. 

The wounds are still fresh. They will be for a while. I miss her laugh and sarcastic remarks. Her determination and her honestly. I miss planning my future with her and sharing my wildest dreams with her. I miss FaceTimeing her at random hours of the day, even when she was at work or out with friends. Sydney represents everything that is beautiful in this world. Many are lost without her. I hope that everyone who was touched by her beauty can find the strength to heal and find peace.