Sydney, Surviving, and Love

Frankly, some days suck. Some days I feel sad and upset at the world for taking my best friend from me. Some days I wake up crying, gather myself, put on my make up, smile and go to work just as bubbly as the day before. I go ride, see Brodie then go to sleep after shedding a few more tears. Not all days are like this, but some are. 

Today is a tough one. I couldn't help but take a few more trips to the bathroom at work today just to collect myself... I guess I needed a few pep talks to keep my smile on my face today. I woke up and couldn't help but cry at the fact that my best friend is no longer here all because of a text message. Why? Why did all of her beauty and honesty and humour and sass and just gosh darn perfection all have to come to such a tragic end? Some days it still doesn't seem real. Today felt like I just heard the news for the first time, the wounds are raw. I'm sure time will help me heal but right now, I can't help but feel like my heart is covered in paper cuts and soaking in a salt bath. I'm hurting. I'm longing for Syd. I'm broken. 

But thankfully, that is just today. Tomorrow will be better, easier... I'll be stronger. It's what I do. I break down and rebuild, becoming mentally stronger then ever before. Some of those breaks are tougher to recover from then others. Today's break was a big one. That doesn't mean that I won't wake up ready to take on the day tomorrow, it just means that tonight I need a hot shower and a stand up comedy to calm me down. 

I'll heal. I know I will. Days like today make me doubt that but I quickly remind myself the truth. I remind myself that so far I have survived. I have survived being sat on by a massive horse, I've survived some serious mental issues, I've become wise dealing with my family members many addiction issues, I've learned to be empathetic while also never straying from my values, I've been taught to never quit, never surrender, to just live the best we can... Honestly, passionately and authentically. I've survived quite well up to this point... I'll survive this challenge too. I'll learn the lesson this tragedy was supposed to teach me and I'll pass it on to my loved ones. 

Yet, I sit alone in the kitchen willing the tears to stop running down my cheeks. I beg for this to all be a dream. I wish for a chance to change the past. I know I must not torture myself with these unattainable thoughts but for some reason they are harder to manage today. 

Fortunately for me.... "Love doesn't rest, love doesn't move on. Love is alive when people ceased to live. Love is rich in laughter, tears, anger and heartbreak... LOVE JUST IS." My good friend said this. I choose right now, in the moment to live for those words. 

Love just is. Three words that are almost more special then "I Love You." Love is uncontrollable, love is colourful, love is ubiquitous, love is firey and calming all at once, love is unique between every two people that share it. Therefor, love is rare. However, we must remember the word I previously used to describe it... Ubiquitous.... Everywhere. Love is all these things. Love is everwhere we look, yet we will never see the same type of love twice, we will never feel or experience the same type of love twice. So we must cherish the moments we have with the ones we love. One day those moments will be memories. Love doesn't die, true love never ends, it lives on though our memories and shared experiences. Love teaches us to be humble. Love does too many things to fully list. One of the favorite things love does for me is remind me that some things are timeless. We all love. We all die. Our love never dies. Nothing else lives on forever like love does. I strive to give lots of love to those closest to me. I do this so when I pass, my love will live on. This is how we live forever, we love. 

Much Love, 

Megan

Unbreakable Love

Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is here on earth. We all have one don't we? I find myself pondering this subject more and more recently... Who knows why. Maybe it's because I have a burning need to travel and experience new places, something I haven't done in a while now. Maybe it's because I have a new outlook on my life, life in general actually, and it's pushing me to search for more. Either way, I'm positive that I will do more then I am right now. I'll inspire more people and I'll have a successful career, I'll balance my passion with a family and I'll be so blissfully happy. 

But the problem with all of these things is the fact that I don't know how I want to accomplish them, or even when I want to accomplish them for that matter. Without direction how do you work towards something? You don't. 

So right now in this moment I am look and searching for some direction or a sign of which way I should be headed. Unfortunatly for me, I get lost easily. 

Brodie found that out this weekend. Lol. Poor guy might as well be dating a duck, I can hardly tell which way is up and which is down. We had an amazing weekend despite my ability to get us lost at every possible point along the way. Our journey up was quite eventful. Before I got us completely turned out in the city we witness a rather scary moose/vehicle accident. I was pretty shaken up by this but as usual, managed to control my emotions and react as needed. We ending up spending about an hour with the victims before we were back on our way. Seeing this crash sent memories of April sixth flooding back, something I didn't need a reminder of as I was already starting to mentally prepare for visiting Syd's cross on the side of the road. But we don't get to choose the majority of our life events so I had to deal. I had to put on my big girl panties, call the cops and organize my thoughts. So I did just that and carried on with my life. Thinking back on it later, I realized that if that other car didn't hit the moose it would of been us. Good thing I didn't realize this until later or else I would of been a lot more shaken up at the time. By the time midnight rolled around I was curled up in bed with a clean face and freshly brushed teeth so I was thankful I wasn't spending my night in a hospital bed. 

Saturday morning Brodie, Tammy, Sommer and I went to watch Edian's football game. Although I only get the basic rules of this game I did greatly enjoy watching these young boys run around with oversized helmets trying to avoid the men who already hit puberty. 

Arriving back on the ranch Tammy suggested I show Brodie around a little. We went down to the hunting shack and then the beach. The large ranch felt so empty without Sydney there. Her wild hair and loud laugh always seemed to make the 5,000 acres seem so small. I see so much of her in Tami though. It's impossible not to feel close to Syd when I'm close to Tami... Makes me feel like I'm at home... At peace. When I look at Sommer, Syd's aunt, I can't help but admire her eyelashes and think back about how much I used to always wish I could steal Syd's from her. I see Sydndy everywhere on the ranch, which saddens me yet also brings me comfort. 

I can feel when I need to get out to the ranch, when I need my fix of the Ellis family. And I needed it bad. I need a shot of Tami's wisdoms and Edian's humour. I feel refreshed in a way I don't have the vocabulary to properly explain. 

I'm so thankful I got to spend another weekend in one of my favorite places on earth, with some of my favourite people. I'm thankful I have amazing friends and family and the perfect boyfriend to bring colour into my life. I'm thankful that I am (slowly) learning that there is a lesson in every tragedy... And even though the sadness of the tragedy may outweigh the  happiness of the lesson we must remember to be thankful for the lesson anyways. 

I've learned that we can not truly live until we have to face death, experice loss, and come out still swinging, still breathing and still smiling. Getting completely emerged by the darkness will do no good, we must wake up and remember the hurt, remember the lesson, remember just how much of a smoke show our Sydney was and pass on her wisdom, her attidude and her stories to everyone close to us. That's how she still lives, through all of our unbreakable love her her. 

Much Love,

Megan

Muddy Feet

I had the most amazing day last Sunday. Brodie and I went down to a few beaches but my favorite one was the one we brought Roscoe to. We had to walk down some really steep slops that were all muddy... We were struggling to stay on our feet so we decided to try going barefoot. It helped. 

Our feet experienced some pretty weird textures. My right foot was covered in mud up to my ankle while my left was in a swampy puddle with lots of twigs poking the bottom of it. Despite the milking cows phase and riding horses thing I am more of a girly girl. I'll get my hands dirty to get a job done, don't get me wrong, but if you ever see me outside of the barn I'll be in a dress with my long, blond hair blowing around in the wind. Not like Beyoncé's though... When my hair blows in the wind it's wraps around my neck in a wild mess and tries to choke me out. Anyways, the treck down to (what we hoped was a beach) was starting to make me wonder if this adventure was even worth it. We weren't even sure there would be a beach at the bottom, my feet were cold and muddy and to tpo it off I saw a snake. We carried on. 

Roscoe was running around enjoying every second of it. He kept the mood light as Brodie and I watched him running up and down the slopes covering his body in mud and playing fetch with himself. Roscoe finds twigs and flips them up in the air then runs and tries to catch them. It's pretty much the most adorably, goofy thing I have ever seen in my life. 

When we finally found the beach it was perfection. We spent a few hours playing fetch with Roscoe, walking in the sand and swimming in the freezing cold water... Which I wasn't too happy about at the time but now I'm so happy Brodie made me go in, the memories are even better now as I think back to my shivering body and purple feet. 

Even though the multiple beaches we tried before hand and the muddy slip and slide we had to take down to this last one ate up most of our day, the last beach was so perfectly secluded and peacful it made up for any bad moments previous. Which got me thinking... That's kinda how life is isn't it? We have some shitty moments, days, weeks, maybe even months but there is always that one experience right around the corner just waiting to bring a smile onto your face. That Sunday on the 7th of September made so many of my struggles these past few months kinda dissolve away. Saturday was a tough day for me as it had been 5 months since Sydney passed but that Sunday gave me a much needed reminder that I have people here who care about me and who I care about. Those people deserve my full happiness and attention... Well, as much as I can possible give them anyways. 

I've had my fair share of tough experiences this summer but I try my best to remain grateful. Those memories shaped me into who I am today, which is someone I am quite proud of. And if I ever get too down about sad memories I remember that they are only memories. They are in the past and cannot be changed, only accepted. 

From this very moment forward I have blank pages (for the most part.) I live a pretty scheduled life so I have the rest of my week already planned out. In no way does that mean my story is already written. Maybe this evening Max will be a bad horse for me and leave me in a grumpy mood... Or maybe if I'm lucky we'll get out first canter pirouette... We're so close!! You see, I forget that even though I have a schedule I don't actually have a story written, just an outline. 

Which is beautiful. 

Life is such a beautiful gift that we all forget in some moments. If you think about it, our bodies soul purpose is to keep us alive and healthy. If we cut ourselves, it makes a scab. If we are sick, it attacks the virus. If we need tougher skin in some area's, it make callouses for us. How amazing is that. We are gifted with a physical body that will do everything it can to keep us alive and healthy yet here we are complaining that our hair isn't thick enough or curly enough or whatever it is we think we need to change about ourselves. Stop it. It's pissing me off. 

So I guess if I attempt to tie all of this together right now I would have to leave you with this...

We have to get our feet muddy and hair messy. Not because we make the conscious decision to, maybe it's even completely out if our control. Never the less, those muddy moments, those slippery slopes shape us and (just like a callous) make us stronger one layer at a time. Then when we finally wake up and realized we needed those tough times and we fully accept those memories we will bring so much positivity into our lives and radiate it out to the ones we love. 

Much Love,

Megan 

 

Relationships

Relationship is a very general descriptive word. I have a relationship with my family members, my friends, my boyfriend, strangers I briefly meet, my animals. Pretty much every living thing I talk to (yeah I talk to me dogs and horses on the daily) can be classified as a relationship of some sort. 

The tricky thing about connections like this is defining them with the other person involed. Do the construction workers who were happy to see me in a tight summer dress the other day know our relationship won't go further then their stares? Definitely, because I quickened my pace and avoided any eye contact. That's an easy one to define though. What about when friendships start to build, relationships get more serious, or family members are seen in a new light? Well my friend, the area you are now entering with these relations is turning a deep charcoal grey very quickly. 

I think this is why so many people have a hard time showing their raw emotions; we are scared the other party involved won't see us in the same light. This is the only way in which relationships should be difficult or unclear. Many people say "relationships are hard." False. If they are you are in the wrong one, you're chilling with the wrong people and you need to get out of it ASAP, homie. 

Relationships of all forms have difficult moments. Times of stress for one person is now a time of stress for both. And it should be. When my best friend is stressed out, I'm stessed out. When my boyfriend is worried about something, I'm worried about the same thing. In no way does it ever mean that the relation with those two people are "hard." It means, in short, that I care about them and everything happening in their lives... It's easy for me to feel the same emotions as them because their lives are apart of my life. Did I ever use the word hard though? No. Maybe it's unclear for some people to differentiate between having a negitive emotion simply because the other person is feeling that way and having a negitive emotion because you don't want to be involved with that person anymore. The line can be a bit blurry but only if you choose to make it that way. 

I've been in a relationship where the line was blurry, and there is a reason I am not longer with that guy. Is he a horrible person who should rot in hell? Not at all. Did I need to end that chapter of my life and not look back? Definitely. Relations with people can be in a grey area but they don't have to be. Relationships don't have to be hard, you choose for them to be that way. I haven't been dating Brodie long but I know where he stands and where I stand with our relationship. I have been friends with Jordan for about four years now and I know she's my "soulmate bestie" and I'm hers. Those relationships aren't hard because I am clear and open with my feelings and they do the same in return. 

Connections can be tough. It's hard for us to decide how a person is going to fit into our life and on top of that we need to worry about whether or not they want to be in that spot we reserved for them. 

Connections should never be hard. They should have moments of stress or worry but those moments should never take away the shine of the overall relationship. 

So I guess to put all this rambling to an end... Be honest, be emotional, be upfront, be empathetic, and most importantly be yourself. Only then will you start to form relationships with people who truly matter and who feel the same way in return. 

Much Love,

Megan