It's been a while since I have sat down to write. I kept telling myself it's because I have been too busy but the truth is, I haven't been able to face my feelings. This is the first time I have admitted to myself that brutal fact. The fact that just when I thought I was so close to mastering the acceptance of my emotions, I slipped up and drew myself back into my dark, stoic, hole. It's comfortable there. I convince myself that I am happy but it never gets me very far. Life does that. Love does that.
Love has a way of tricking you into thinking you're strong. You feel like you have someone who will always be there to pick you up, dust you off, smack your butt and tell you to keep going. Love can be ripped from you... Just like tires ripping off of of a road... Bursting into flames... Leaving nothing but a yoga mat, ashes, and the memories of what could of been.
Love has a way of tricking you into thinking your strong. You feel like everything is perfect, like you will never have a worry, a problem or a slight bump in the road. Then you hit a pothole that whiplashes your forehead into the steering wheel and you are reminded that love isn't a synonym for perfect. It's not a synonym for quintessential, or exemplary. It's especially not what Beyoncé would call "Flawless." Love just is. It's just this feeling that is completely relative to who we are, what we need, what we want, when we want it and what form we want it in.
Love has a way of tricking you into thinking you are strong. It makes you think that showing emotion is an easy thing. Love is a fun feeling. You feel whole, accepted, respected. Yet, love isn't just happiness, it's the sadness you feel everytime you say goodbye, it's the dread you feel when you know you need to hurt someone with honesty, it's the guilt you feel when you can't change your past. That sounds similar to life... No?
Doesn't life trick you into thinking you are strong? Doesn't life made you feel like you have everything under control... Then out of no where everything goes a little pear shaped? Doesn't life make you feel on top of the world one second then kindly remind you that every life is equal the next? Life, love, it's all the same. These two "L" words trick us all into strength. Strength isn't given. It's not something that just comes to us every six months like a raise at work. It has to be earned. You have to battle and battle and earn your scars, your strength... But even then, are you strong? Is anyone? Not in my opinion... How could we be? How can a certain amount of fight make is strong? Isn't a women losing her mother, then her daughter enough to make her "strong." No. Because being strong isn't the goal, continuing to love, to live, is.
Love tricks us into thinking we are strong but the truth is, no one is. No one is prepared for so much love lost to be able to recover without another battle. That's life. We battle and battle and we aim for strength as if that is the goal... But love is the goal.
Loving life, who we live it with, what we fill it with, that's my goal. I want to fill my life with love. I just need to figure out how to rewire my brain so I can stop aiming for strength and start aiming for love.
Much Love,
Megan
