A Clean House

I love a clean house. White tile that sparkles, grit free stove and counters, smudge-less stainless steal appliances, that ‘I just spent hours cleaning and scrubbing’ smell.  A clean house makes me feel organized and in charge. My brain could be a scattered mess but you would never know because I hide it with an organized home and a sent of Autumn Harvest essential oil. 

That’s the thing about appearances, you can really be judged for how you look even if it’s not how you feel. If someone has a full face of perfectly blended make up and a clean, well fitted outfit many would assume this person has too much time to focus on their appearance. Maybe even assume this person is self centred. Or has low confidence or a cold hearted personality and uses cover up to, well, cover it all up. 

I’m guilty. I mean really who isn’t? The way we dress, how we carry our bodies, the movements we make, they all create this impression or suppression of who we are. I feel that maybe this outer layer of expression doesn’t always directly reflect our inner personality.

Sometimes it’s hard to admit to ourselves that we are hiding thoughts... feelings. I find opening up to others very easy because I can choose what to show and what to keep to myself. I can laugh and share my insecurities that aren’t my greatest fears and I still come accross as an open book.

I find opening up to myself very challenging because I can’t hide the parts of me that I hate. The stubbornness. The lack of patience. My ability to get snappy when the day hasn’t gone how I had initially hoped. So I trick myself with my perfectly applied makeup and well dusted house. I make sure that my exterior looks in order even though it feels as if my interior is an unorganized mess. 

It’s hard to cope with such self doubt. Doubt so strong it’s crippling. I get aches in my chest when I start to face my insecurities because I feel as if I will never change. I’m worried my entire life will fly by like a Sunday and I’ll be left on my death bed with so many regrets. I’m worried I won’t achieve relationship success, parenting success, or financial success. My greatest worry is that my unmanageable fear of failure will stop me from taking the required risks to be successful. 

So I clean my house and cover up my face in hopes that I can trick myself just as I trick those around me.

Much Love,

Megan